Drunk Ex-Pastors (general)
Podcast #102: Sexy Schoolgirls

We kick off this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a voicemail about how fugly we apparently are, and then we officially put an end to the discussion over baby-soul popsicles. A listener takes us to task over our insistence that the Obama administration was scandal-free, which springboards into a discussion about what, exactly, constitutes a scandal (does it have to be sexual? Illegal? Both?). Another caller laments the fact that none of her Christian friends paid any attention to her until she decided to leave Team Jesus, which invites the question of whether they really cared about her in the first place. We take a call about the supposed double standard when it comes to school dress codes, and then bring on our very own private investigator to file an in-depth report on the topic from the front lines of Chief Kanim Middle School. And lastly, we weigh in on the Orlando massacre, although at this point what more is there to say? You can’t make a Second Amendment omelette without brutally slaughtering a few gay eggs.

Also, don’t be flashing that collarbone and expect not to get raped.

Direct download: 2016_06_18_0102.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #101: Ice Ice Baby

In this episode of DXP we spend time considering the age-old question, “If you freeze a baby and then thaw it out, where did its soul go?” Well OK, it may have been a bit more sophisticated than that (as in, in cases of frozen embryos or near-death experiences, does the absence of heart- and brain activity prove that souls don’t exist? And if so, is abortion moral?). Then turn our attention to Hillary’s defeat of Bernie for the Democratic nomination (cough***rigged!***cough) and debate just how democratic this Democratic Republic of ours really is. After our break we weigh in on the Brock Turner rape case, covering such topics as consent, sexual ethics, and involuntary castration.

Also, did we mention he should be castrated? Because he totally should be castrated. For real.

Direct download: 2016_06_09_0101.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

We’re not gonna lie, in our 100th episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we allow ourselves to get more a bit sentimental than we usually do (this may or may not have to do with our being, umm, more “in our cups” than usual as well). But hey, we all love a celebration, and we begin this show by allowing our listeners to celebrate with us and let us know what DXP has meant to them (culminating with our patron saint, Dick Bush, listing off the ways becoming “agnostical” has benefitted him in his personal life). But the mushy stuff eventually ceases and we move on to the cheery topics of killing preemies and primates, so there’s something for everyone. Concerning the former, we piggyback on last episode’s discussion of abortion, discussing whether the term “murder” is really fair to describe the procedure. And concerning the latter, how hard is it to design a gorilla cage that a toddler can’t infiltrate? Seriously.

Also, thanks for a great couple years, everyone. We love you all!

Direct download: 2016_06_03_0100.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #99: Having the Choice to Choose Life

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin with a discussion about how we can have discussions (in other words, how it is that a Catholic and agnostic can be as civil as we are to one another), after which we share some thoughts about the ever-narrowing field of presidential candidates. A caller asks us for our honest opinion about homeschooling, as in, is it just a tool for religious segregation or does it have some positive benefits as well? Another caller suggests that we have never really dealt with the issue of abortion and asks us to weigh in on it, which we do, leading to some disagreements as well as to suggestions on how the topic can be handled less inflammatorily by people on both sides of the aisle. And finally, our Feeding Friendsy segment exposes us to God’s final warning against America which, apparently, he spends significant time thinking about (you know, because the USA is at the center of both the universe as well as God’s redemptive plan for all people everywhere. Geez, ethnocentrism can be a serious pain in the ass).

Also, “Immigrants!”

Direct download: 2016_05_25_0099.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:04pm PDT

Podcast #98: Blurred Lines and Boobies

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we revisit the topic of cultural misappropriation, discussing how dope it is when white people use black lingo, fo shizzle. We springboard from the legitimate connection between mental ill-health and mass shootings to the illegitimate way people of a certain political persuasion use that fact (*cough*Republicans*cough*), and then take a caller’s question about why evangelicals stopped hating Mormons all of a sudden (what a waste, they were such easy targets). We then turn our attention to the sad plight of holocaust survivor Emily Ratajkowski—wait, did we say “holocaust survivor”? We meant incredibly beautiful millionaire model who STILL hasn’t won on Oscar despite being 24 years old and having had supporting roles in two whole movies (don’t laugh, it’s hard for her!). We weigh in on Barry Bonds’s charge of racism toward rich white kids who act black, which is straight-up whack, and then consider what it might be like to have a President whose spouse totally has orgies with sex slaves (true story). Our “Dick Move, God” segment teaches us that it’s OK to stab your kids if it gets you off the hook for lying, and finally, Christian is biebered by the apparent black hole into which his kitchen items get sucked, while Jason’s bieber has to do with how hard it is to operate windshield wipers.

Also, too many silent pauses? That’s.... .... .... .... .... ...ridiculous.

Direct download: 2016_05_20_0098.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #97: Cancer, Science, and Kissing Dating Goodbye

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with the age-old question, “Should the Tesla Motor Company be pronounced like the metal band “Tesla” from the ‘80s, or does CEO Elon Musk have the right to just change the pronunciation on a whim? And what gives him that right?” We then take a voice mail asking what our respective protocols would be if we were diagnosed with cancer (as in, who would we tell, and when?), and our answers sum up our personalities pretty perfectly. We take listeners’ questions concerning gun rights, what the hell “grace perfects nature” means, and whether Christian feels the pull back toward Christianity or will just continue hardening his heart against Jesus. We spend a few moments discussing all the so-called scientific studies that are popping up everywhere proving stuff like “men who think about boobs are less likely to contract Crohn’s Disease,” and then turn our attention to the “courtship” alternative to dating that many Christian’s have adopted and been screwed over by. Lastly, we tackle the issue of “cultural (mis)appropriation,” which says that white guys can’t have dreadlocks. Can white people have dreadlocks? A poignant question indeed, which is why we discuss it.

Also, America is the only civilized western country where the plotline of Breaking Bad makes even the least bit of sense.

Direct download: 2016_05_11_0097.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #96: Guns of Anarchy

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors: On his road to ruining the U.S.A., has Donald Trump also ruined our hopes of the one thing we were looking forward to this summer: a contested Republican convention? Will autonomous automobiles drive with the same knack for self-preservation that humans do, and if not, can we change that setting? Do airlines intentionally make sure that there is at all times at least one pilot in the cockpit who is going to hell? Is Sons of Anarchy an accurate representation of how guns get into the wrong hands? Is the new documentary Under the Gun just the first step in lulling Americans into a false sense of security so that Obama can finally make good on his secret plans to confiscate 300 million guns in the last 200 days of his presidency? Is Canada counting on the unlikability of whomever is elected President of the United States to help populate an island in Nova Scotia? Is the support technician on the other end of the phone really dealing with a slow computer or do they just need to finish updating their Facebook status? Finally, will no part of America be spared? Jason turns his sights from The South to The Midwest.

Also, if Jason and Christian were to get gay-married, which one of them would be the bride?

Direct download: 2016_05_06_0096.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #95: A Tender Conscience in a Pluralistic World

Episode #95 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail suggesting that we may have engaged in a bit of gender stereotyping in a recent episode, but since the caller was a woman we immediately dismissed her as hysterical and emotionally out of control. Jason’s personality is then diagnosed, with the fairly accurate prognosis that he is utterly unfit for gainful employment. We then delve into the issue of the relationship between one’s own conscience and his responsibility to the public good, and afterwards issue an invitation to colonize with us a new nation should Donald Trump ever become president. We discuss whether robots could ever destroy humanity from a religious point of view, and speaking of religion, Christian introduces us to the term “ignosticism”  and our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a newly-made orphan. Christian is biebered by people who can’t intellectually walk and chew gum at the same time, and Jason’s bieber proves that only he can prevent forest fires.

Also, for the love of all things holy, can a black woman get diarrhea on TV just once?

Direct download: 2016_04_25_0095.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:11am PDT

Podcast #94: Sacred Propaganda, Secular Morality

DXP #94 begins with a brief lament over the death of one of pop culture’s most beloved and talented icons (but enough about Chyna), and then we address the recent barrage of faith-based films and the agenda behind them. We spend a fair bit of time addressing the relationship between religion and morality (as in, how immoral are atheists on a scale of four to ten?), after which we take a call asking us to compare and contrast bakers and The Boss. We discuss our recent “bathroom meme” and the differences, if any, between laws restricting gun ownership and laws restricting rape (turns out, rapists are among society’s most conscientious rule-keepers. Who knew?). Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment deals with the response to the new $20 bill, and “Dick Move, God” introduces us to a man whose wife was raped by Yahweh’s favorite guy ever. Christian is biebered by having to tolerate the intolerant, while Jason’s bieber has to do with people who make math too simple.

Also, is it wrong for the petri dishes that contain human embryos to be made in inhumane conditions?

Direct download: 2016_04_22_0094.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #93: The Incorrectness of Political Correctness

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with some good news about Jason’s forthcoming book and Christian’s excitement over our podcast reaping a bit of that attention from it. We then address a listener’s objection that we are just pinko Rush Limbaughs, as well as deal with the issue of the rampant and bigoted persecution of Christians in this country </eye-roll>. We take a listener’s call about what kind of pastor Christian used to be (since the very notion that he was ever a man of the cloth is simply inconceivable to most people), and then we discuss another listener’s question about what our personality types are (yes, we are distinguishable, but just barely). Jason addresses a question having to do with his “photographic memory” or something (he can’t remember), and then we spend some time discussing the topic of the minimum wage and the larger issue of globalization. The issue of where people are allowed to go potty comes up again, as does the sexualization of boobies and the role of money influencing public policy. We spend considerable time proving that we are not politically correct (but we do it in such a way so’s not to offend midgets or hermaphrodites). And finally, our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a man whose entire life’s work is undone due to a technicality.

Also, we don’t care if you think we’re racists as long as you think we’re thin.

Direct download: 2016_04_15_0093.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT