Drunk Ex-Pastors
Podcast #78: Patriotism or Christianity?

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with one final bit of blowback from our interview with Cash Peters—and this one’s priceless—which leads us into a reflection about the Fundamentalist’s pathological need to find a threat or demon lurking behind every tree (can’t an innocent erotic chakra massage be religiously neutral? Geez. Relax, people). We then banter a bit about the new Star Wars film and address a caller’s feedback about Princess Leia’s collagen-filled lips, after which we take another call about the personal and relational price of no longer towing the religious party line. Another listener’s question about Jerry Falwell Jr. and Liberty University’s open-carry gun policy leads to an in-depth discussion about Christianity and pacifism: Should believers be more American by arming themselves on the one hand, or try to, I don’t know, imitate Christ on the other? Our “Feeding Friendzy” segment addresses the problem of our president having such an easy time implementing his communist agenda (will the Right *ever* stand up to him and say “No”?). Christian is biebered by the lawless wilderness that is his daughter’s school parking lot, while Jason’s bieber involves The Force and its rape-implications.

Also, say hi to your mother for me, alright?

Direct download: 2015_12_22_0078.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #77: Star Wars, Hitler, and Princess Leia’s Lips

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with an in-depth breakdown of the New Star Wars film that neither of us had seen yet (turns out it was awesome), after which we debrief a bit about the Cash Peters interview from our last show. Christian then describes how his company does “mission trips,” which is weird since it makes no sense to do nice things for underprivileged people when you hate Jesus. We address a caller’s observation that we are “sarcastic” (wow, you figure that out on your own, genius?), and then address Bernie Sanders’s suggestion that ISIS was caused by styrofoam Big Mac containers and AquaNet. We then turn to the question of how alike Trump and Hitler are on a scale of 6-10, after which we springboard from Princess Leia’s lip implants to Hollywood’s preference for young, thin women. In our “Feeding Friendsy” segment we weigh in on whether Confederate flags and crescent moons are the same, and our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a budding entrepreneur who loses his business and meets financial ruin because he didn’t think to purchase demon insurance. Christian is biebered by elevator etiquette, while Jason’s bieber involves messy nuts.

Also? By choice, man!

Direct download: 2015_12_15_0077.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:06pm PDT

Podcast #76: Guest Cash Peters

In this episode, the DXPs welcome mystic, TV personality, radio host, handwriting analyst, and author Cash Peters into the studio (he’s kind of like the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” guy, just with a British accent and teeth). In our first hour, Cash analyses our handwriting and is deeply surprised by what he learns about Jason (although Christian thinks the analysis was pretty much right on target). After our break Cash describes his experience visiting the healer John of God in Brazil (do true healings happen there? Are they attributable to God?), after which we again return to Jason and what a frustrating experience he makes listening to this show to be (during which Jason falls asleep). Cash shares his bieber with us, which involves times long ago in galaxies far, far away.

Also, you’ve now heard the terms “Mancunian” and “Liverpudlian.” You’re welcome.

Direct download: 2015_12_09_0076.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:09pm PDT

Podcast #75: Killing Abortionists Stops a Beating Heart

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian begin by discussing some of the blowback from last week’s interview with Dan Savage, and then take a series of voicemails on topics ranging from how sexy our voices are to whether we should have free college tuition, and from the refugee crisis to whether we truly mock God on our show. We address the issues of modern evangelical culture and persecution in America, after which Christian gets super pissed at his kids and we all get to hear what that sounds like. Dick Bush calls in for tips on becoming a good “agnostical,” and we introduce a new segment called “Go Home, Google, You’re Drunk” which leads to a discussion about elitism, tastemakers, and how stupid everyone is. We then spend a good deal of time arguing about whether, how, and how cavalierly abortion doctors should be killed. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we meet a man who was fired for sustaining an on-the-job injury, and Jason is biebered by how pointless it is to listen to podcasts.

Direct download: 2015_11_30_0075.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #74: Guest Dan Savage

In this episode, the DXPs sit down with infamous sex advice columnist and gay-rights activist Dan Savage. Highlights include Christian telling a vagina-centric story that shocks Dan and renders him speechless (no easy feat in his line of work), and Dan connecting with Jason over their mutual love of musical theater (to the point where Dan refers to him as “Girl!”). Dan discusses his sexuality, the Catholicism with which he was raised, and the origins of his “It Gets Better” project. And in a shocking display of vulnerability no doubt occasioned by his drinking almost an entire bottle of sparkling rosé, Dan tips his hand and discloses the various insidious elements of the Gay Agenda™. The discussion finally turns to divorce, cheating, and why gays want to be married so badly when straight people are finding less and less use for it.

Also, that thing of when an openly non-monogamous married gay man welcomes you home to Mother Church? Priceless.

Direct download: 2015_11_16_0074.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #73: Compassion vs. Conservatism

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin by finally tackling the age-old question, “If you’re blind, how much does it matter if your spouse is hot or not?” As you may guess, a query of this magnitude has multiple layers of nuance, but we do give our best shot at an answer. We then resist a caller’s temptation to try to steal food from the mouth of a homeless, as well as engage with another caller about the difficulty of wanting to be yourself in public but not being free to. Another listener suggests a “new way” to conceive of God and Christianity, about which our resident agnostic is uncertain and doubtful (shocking, we know). We briefly discuss the thorny issue of “stumbling our weaker brother” before we dive into our main topic: the refugee crisis in Europe and throughout much of the world (and you’ll never guess which segment of society has found a way to be on the wrong side of yet another issue!). Christian shares his thoughts on our obviously Islamophile president, while Jason tells a heart-wrenching story about being robbed of positive male role models. Christian is biebered when people are no longer marginalized but celebrated, while Jason’s bieber will leave you on the edge of your seat clinging to his every word.

Also, marshmallows with a nice chemical topping? Yummmmm….

Direct download: 2015_11_19_0073.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:01pm PDT

Podcast #72: Divine $h!t Happens

In our very first video-recorded episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (courtesy of David and Kevin from the Charred Barrel Society), Jason and Christian explore the merits of a new religion called “Pastafarianism,” after which we address the “War on Christmas” and the supposedly nationwide outcry over Starbucks’ new holiday cups in particular. We then take a listener’s question about how much a potential president’s religion matters before addressing the recent terrorist attacks in Paris. We spend a fair bit of time debating another caller’s question about whether prayer really works, which leads us down various rabbit holes such as why God allows evil, what role free will plays in God’s plan, and whether biblical history really functions the way many believers wish it did. Our attention then turns to the phenomenon of non-religious people sending their children to Christian schools, which causes our resident agnostic to both bemoan his own youth while simultaneously wondering whether his own kids could use a bit more Jesus in their lives. Our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to someone who unfortunately seemed to experience God killing their good parent while praising the crappy one. Christian is biebered by Hollywood money, while Jason’s bieber involves having clueless followers.

Also, “Don’t worry about the vase.”

Direct download: 2015_11_14_0072.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #71: Virtual Friends, Counsellors, and Confessors

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors opens with a brief discussion of whether Time magazine’s fourth most-powerful person in the world deserves the label, after which we take a call from (and are shocked at the libido of) the world’s most brilliant theoretical physicist. We turn our attention to the irony that is Seattle’s Amazon Books superstore, which is intertwined with the topic of technology, leading us to the not-so-futuristic issue of self-driving cars and whether they’ll be as “safe” as the ones that human idiots drive. We then touch upon Bernie Sanders’s views of marijuana and the gays’ plan to make the human race extinct. After our break we discuss Australian (ex)model Essena O’Neill and her renunciation of social media, on social media, which brings up the broader topic of just how healthy it is that online forums have replaced real flesh-and-blood counselors for so many young people in our culture. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we learn how to get out of paying your debts with the help of the Spirit. Jason is biebered by the effects of changing your email address, while Christian’s bieber involves unnecessary wastes of his time.

Also, Lesbian Island? Yes please.

Direct download: 2015_11_05_0071.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #70: Jay Bakker Interview

In this episode the Drunk Ex-Pastors interview pastor-author Jay Bakker, “Christian agnostic” and son of Jim and Tammy Faye. We begin with a disavowal of anything we say since we do absolutely no research before weighing in on a topic, after which (to Christian’s annoyance) Jay and Jason talk about skateboarding for way too long. Jay relays his first and only experience with our former church, Calvary Chapel of Costa Mesa, which reduced him to tears (not the good kind). Jay then describes his experience becoming a gay-affirming Christian leader, which went pretty much how you would expect it to, after which he tells us about his church, Revolution. Our discussion then veers to the topic of the weakness and humanity of Christian leaders, and finally to the subject of the relationship of faith and doubt.

Also, an “Orange County accent”? Psssssh! I am so. Sure.

Direct download: 2015_10_27_0070.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:13pm PDT

Podcast #69: You're Not Gonna Live Forever (or Learn how to Fly)

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a heartwarming tale of “tough love,” that special brand of care that renders the phrase “kill them with kindness” all the more meaningful. We take a call from a listener demanding to know more about Jason’s life (which demand is rebuffed), and another from some guy who hates Mother Teresa and implies she was some sort of monster. We discuss one of the New Atheist’s controversial view of gun control, completely solve the riddle of reincarnation, and then tackle the issue of radical Islam. We are asked to weigh in on Justin Bieber’s wiener (which one of us has seen and the other has also seen but won’t admit it), and then take another call about the difference between Edward Snowden and Kim Davis. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we meet a grieving elementary school teacher whose students learned a valuable lesson about what happens when you damage the ego of the Lord’s anointed. Christian is biebered by people who refuse to “Feel the Bern,” while Jason’s bieber involves being forced to think about useless people.

Also: Bears, God? Really? Wow. Just… wow.

Direct download: 2015_10_17_0069.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #68: Slouching toward Idiocracy

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss whether excessive drinking is really as harmful as all the experts unanimously warn (turns out it’s fine). We then discuss a recent documentary about The Shining, seeking to determine whether Kubrick was really the genius his most devoted fans insist he was, or whether those fans need to move out of their parents’ basements and do something more constructive. We take a couple brief calls about guns, as well as give some marital advice, ironically, to a caller with a conservative wife. We then turn our attention to the issue of technology’s effects on our culture, and whether democratizing the flow of information is worth how stupid it’s making us. Jason is biebered by his looming death, while Christian’s bieber involves uncharitable hermeneutical practices.

Also, cock rings? Discuss. . . .

Direct download: 2015_10_13_0068.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:02pm PDT

Podcast #67: Just Say "No" to Martyrdom

Episode #67 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a brief discussion about all the ways Jason is the worst Catholic ever, but then moves on to the question of why (1) if you love guns you’re most likely an evangelical Christian, and (2) if you’re an evangelical Christian you most likely miss the entire point of everything Jesus taught. We take a call from an ex-Catholic atheist asking what the point of prayer is, which leads to the issue of why smart atheists always choose stupid Christians to engage rather than picking on ones their own size. The Roseburg shooting comes up, giving way to a discussion about whether the gunman was targeting religious people, and if so, whether it’s OK to be a religious person who lies about being religious. We then launch into our two new segments, “Dick Move, God” and “Feeding Friendsy,” the former of which tells the story of young women getting crushed to death for not being hot enough, and the latter supplies some important tips for the post-Rapture crowd who got left behind. Jason is biebered by having to waste his time patiently, while Christian’s bieber has to do with subjecting himself to idiots in the noble service of this podcast.

Also, you’re a non-practicing Jew? Hey, I’m a non-practicing virgin!

Direct download: 2015_10_05_0067.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:08pm PDT

Podcast #66: Roseburg

In this special episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss the recent mass shooting in Roseburg, OR, as well as exhibit their hatred of America and freedom by daring to wonder aloud whether anything can be done about this sort of thing (and if so, what). As it turns out, plenty of things can be done (but whether we have the national will to do them is another question).

Also, small penises.

Direct download: 2015_10_05_0066.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Jason and Christian begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by discussing a post that Jason wrote about how a smidge of agnosticism is worth avoiding the perils of fundamentalism, after which we offer some philosophy tips to a student of philosophy (which he himself asked for, oddly enough). We then tackle listener questions about the supposedly apocalyptic blood moon and the bizarre culture of conservative Bible colleges. After our mid-show break we resume with a mid-conversation comment about “shit vs. blood,” but neither of us remembers what exactly occasioned it (and we’re not sure we want to). We discuss the recent Volkswagen scandal, and then take a call from an old favorite about the pope which, for some reason, is interrupted by our trying to list our top five favorite one-hit wonders. We then introduce two new segments called “Dick Move, God” and “Feeding Friendzy,” and both our biebers stem from the supposed need for social graces.

Also, Christian ladies? You can stop speaking now, because men are present.

Direct download: 2015_09_30_0065.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin with a capitulation on Christian’s part toward the color-blind, and then move on to what a man’s chin and legs tell us about his sexual orientation. Jason nods his head and furrows his brow as Christian expresses his frustration over DXP’s Catholic listeners, after which we take a call from an active military listener explaining what exactly “lawful orders” are. Another caller seeks clarity on whether acting gay sends you to hell or whether just being that way is sufficient. We then share some preliminary thoughts on a documentary about the so-called “Purity Movement” (which is that thing of when earnest evangelicals have sex before marriage, but only after promising not to). The topic of open relationships arises, as does the thorny issue of Ahmed’s ticking time bomb. Oops, we mean clock. We turn our attention to the refugee crisis (noting the irony of which segment of society is embodying the “Hate Thy Neighbor” ethic), a discussion which dovetails into the issue of whether democracy can really beat theocracy in a fight. Jason is biebered by Eastern European Mexicans, while Christian’s bieber ends up focusing on the real reason his clothes don’t fit right.

Also, it really is a small world, after all. Just ask Matt.

Direct download: 2015_09_22_0064.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #63: Civil and Sexual Abuse of Power

In this episode, the Drunk Ex-Pastors respond to a listener’s misgivings about how we handled the Kim Davis controversy, which leads to a discussion about elected officials, civil disobedience, and what Jesus thinks about it all. Jason tries to tell a story about his dad, which Christian interrupts with something about his own father that is so poignant that it would move most normal people to tears (Jason, irritated at the interruption, politely listens until he can finish his own story). We return to porn (as men so often do), this time tackling the issue of how many boobs a person has to see before he becomes a sociopathic necrophile. Christian is biebered by Catholics who think like Calvinists, and Jason has no bieber since we ran out of time.

Also, that’s right, we forgot: YOUR WIFE’S DEAD!

 

Direct download: 2015_09_14_0063.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #62: Slippery Slopes and Christian Patriotism

In this episode, the DXPs banter a bit about Kim Davis’s eye of the tiger, wanting to rock, and all the people God screwed over just to make a point, after which we take a call about the propriety of Christians’ selling their testimonies for money. We bat around the clearly unthought-through idea of doing a Drunk Ex-Pastors college tour, and then field a question about slippery-slope arguments against gay marriage (do they lead to slippery-slope arguments against a farmer marrying his own sister? What if his sister is a dog, who’s black?). We address Detroit’s being enslaved by the dark lord of the Underworld (as evidenced by a new statue of Satan being erected there), although Jason is puzzled because he assumed that Detroit has belonged to Lucifer since the late ‘90s at least. This leads us into, you guessed it, a slippery-slope discussion concerning whether theocracy really is a good idea anymore, because ISIS. Jason gets all Luddite-y again because he fears the Internet, and Christian explains why, in addition to wanting to murder babies, he hates all cops. Jason is in too good a mood to have a bieber, but Christian picks up his slack.

 

Also, Pig-Taints got your tummy a-hurtin’? Two words: Peppy Bismilk.

Direct download: 2015_09_09_0062.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of DXP “we”—Jason and the listening audience—are granted privileged access into a private therapy session between Christian and porn-addict recovery specialist Seth Taylor (tackling such sensitive topics as “How does Christian know he’s actually clinically addicted?”; “How often is so often that it becomes a problem”; and “Masturbation-related injuries: what causes them and how they can be avoided in the future”). Semi-kidding aside, we were thrilled to have Seth on the show: he’s an author, mystic, and overall deep thinker who brings a whole lot of humanity to the table as we discuss spirituality, sexuality, and addiction (Jason imagines that this is precisely what Jesus would have done). Enjoy!

Direct download: 2015_09_02_0061.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 11:16pm PDT

Jason and Christian begin episode 60 of Drunk Ex-Pastors by enjoying some immediate karma for a lady who has it coming. They then lament the downfall of their favorite Survivor contestant and Fox and Friends correspondent, Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Going from bad to worse, the DXPs then discuss Michelle Carter, pretty much the worst girlfriend any guy could ask for. They then move on to Kim Davis, present-day “Rosa Parks” and Christian martyr, sacrificing her own freedom to make sure the sanctity of marriage is kept intact for heterosexual serial brides like herself. (Not only did three men marry her, but one of these apparently very desperate men married her twice!) Jason likes whatever Christian tells him to like and Christian likes his victory over the establishment. Christian is biebered by yet another way his body is attempting to do him in, and Jason is biebered either by being advertised to or by his own hypocrisy. He’s unsure. 

Also, this episode sucked before Chris [...]
Direct download: 2015_09_04_0060.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by relaying a harrowing tale involving a Mexican native of Honduras who was buried alive, after which we take a call from a minister who admires Christian’s Christianity (yep, you read that right). We then venture into the crazy world of glossolalia, end times prophecy, and TV preachers, trying to figure out if anyone actually believes in this stuff (Jason admits that he misses how exciting it used to be to constantly be looking for the antichrist and fighting the mark of the beast that he’s seriously considering rejoining the team). We turn our attention to the infamous Ashley Madison leak and to Josh Duggar in particular, seeking to determine whether he deserves his public lashings more than others do (yes). Christian is biebered by myopia in the voting booth, while Jason’s bieber involves having to exert himself, ever. 

 Also, we totally need a DXP drinking game.
Direct download: 2015_08_25_0059.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:55pm PDT

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with Jason asking Christian to diagnose him after he discovers the depths of his own duplicity and greed, after which we banter a bit about the various presidential hopefuls. Christian then shares an interesting insight that he “read somewhere” (ahem) about our present dystopic existence. We take a listener’s call asking us to reflect a bit about DXP’s one-year anniversary and the highs and lows we’ve experienced doing this podcast (the lows were easier to remember for Jason than the highs were), and then Christian describes his day meeting his son’s new fraternity brothers at the U-Dub. We answer questions about demons, as well as about who Christian turns to in times of difficulty now that he hates Jesus (when Jason [...]

Direct download: 2015_08_18_0058.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:06pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we open the floor up to you, the listener, and let you set the table for the evening’s discussion. We begin by tackling the issue of who would win in a fight between the two of us (Jason didn’t agree with Christian’s answer, but he chose not to press the issue because he hates fighting). We take a listener’s call about vasectomies and miscarriages, and then address Target’s plan to ruin America and force our kids to gay one another. The discussion then takes a turn and we discuss exactly how many self-proclaimed female victims there need to be before we’ll believe that a famous comedian sexually assaulted them despite the fact that he’s really, really funny. Christian thinks he is biebered by randomly-committed airport faux pas, but is actually just being racist. Jason’s bieber puts all of Hollywood on not [...]

Direct download: 2015_08_11_0057.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:58pm PDT

In this our one-year anniversary episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin by letting the South off the hook and setting our sites somewhere else for a change: Florida (which is technically not the South, even though it’s farther south than the South, which just goes to show how stupid they all are). We then spend a few moments talking about drones, robots, and cartoons, after which we spend the remainder of the first half discussing fundamentalist pro-lifers, and how there’s just. No. Pleasing them. We then take a listener’s call about evangelicals and Catholics, which leads us to a debate about whether Catholics suck way worse or whether they both suck the exact same amount. Christian’s bieber involves traffic etiquette, while Jason is biebered by how logistically [...]

Direct download: 2015_08_04_0056.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:43pm PDT

In this episode, the DXPs share their opinions on kids’ sports and Christian’s new Mom Jeans for dads, after which we debate whether Noachian terms should still be used (“Noachian” is an outdated word meaning “outdated”). We then spend some time discussing whether it’s OK to be disgusted both by selling dead baby livers and killing majestic African animals, or if we just have to be saddened by one and indifferent about the other. We take a voicemail about whether Christianity demands participation in war (and if it does, then Jason might be an even worse Christian than Christian, which is quite a feat), and afterwards we insult the South a little bit (because why not?). We then start arguing about who interrupts whom more, which nearly brings the show to an abrupt end. Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s laziness, while Jason’s bieber, once again, involves youths. 

 Also, guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.
Direct download: 2015_07_28_0055.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the DXPs try to determine whether they are a part of a new-fangled cultural demographic that they eventually conclude is mostly bullshit (but at times eerily specific and correct in its description of them). We then spend some time on the long past-due topic of Keanu Reeves (you’re welcome), after which we take listener voicemails about agnosticism and whether Cherokees and Catholics can date. We then turn our attention to the deaths of the four U.S. Marines killed by Islamic extremists (or were they just everyday, garden-variety Muslims?), discussing: (1) whether America should retaliate for this attack; (2) whether this attack was retaliation for some other attack we already did; (3) whether that previous attack, for which this attack was retaliation, was itself retaliation for some earlier attack done to us; or (4) whether we should get the hell out of the Middle East altogether and turn the region over to Satan. Jason is biebered by hooliganery, while Christi [...]

Direct download: 2015_07_20_0054.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 12:23am PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian begin by discussing whether they feel like they are aging too quickly (in one of their cases) or not quickly enough (in the case of the other). We then address why it is that Christian is “really open” about his personal life (at least about the things he didn’t insist Jason delete from the final version of the show), while Jason seems to be less so. We then turn our attention to the issue of pacifism and whether religious people should be less warmonger-y than they tend to be in this country, after which we tackle the issue of why the youth in Asia are all killing themselves in Europe. Jason is biebered by the increasing obsolescence of the human brain, while Christian’s bieber involves slowing down for cops. 

Also, how stoked is that teenaged Albuquerque kid that Heisenberg totally nailed his mom?
Direct download: 2015_07_14_0053.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:39pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss such topics as: how many times a day a person should look in the mirror, the asymmetricality of Christian’s face, what Jason would be willing to do for ten million dollars, and their waiter from the previous night who looks just like Ryan Gosling if Ryan Gosling wasn’t paid to look like he was “Photoshopped.” The DXPs then throw caution to the wind and jump right into women’s sports and why they’re not as popular as men’s sports in general. If they left anyone unoffended by that conversation, they’ll get to you in the next conversation about the Supreme Court’s rulings on Obamacare and Marriage Equality. Jason is biebered by having to purchase more than one thing when he goes to the store and Christian is biebered by round toilets. 

Also, if your significant other has a pimple, what is the proper etiquette? Do you ignore it or do you point at it and laugh?
Direct download: 2015_07_02_0052.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason begins with a riddle for Christian, the answer to which Christian is not sure he agrees with (but then, neither do thousands of PhDs, but what do they know?). We dabble briefly in geopolitics once again, this time weighing the pros and cons of having more female world leaders (because as men, we feel it’s our place to opine on such matters), after which we take a call that causes Christian to ask Jason to hide his erection. We discuss the issue of how “Christian” America was intended to be on a scale of “Pretty Damn” to “Utterly and Completely.” Christian’s bieber has to do with sticky messes, while Jason is biebered by (wait for it) not enough technology. 

Also, trust us: You always switch doors.
Direct download: 2015_06_30_0051.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian revisit WWII and debate whether saving one Jew was worth killing 250,000 Japs (Christian seems to think so), leading us into a discussion about whether someone can be a noble soldier serving an ignoble national agenda (during which Jason accidentally compares the U.S. to Nazi Germany). The subject of racism emerges again, forcing us to rate just how racist Southerners are on a scale of 4 – 10 (there simply aren’t any numbers lower than 4 on this scale), after which we tackle the topic of parents virally video-shaming their kids. Jason’s bieber involves prohibiting white people from naming streets, while Christian is biebered by radio stations in the summer. 

Also, get in line, starving Africans, because our church’s prayer chain is clogging up the pipeline with requests for God to heal little Timmy’s sniffles.
Direct download: 2015_06_25_0050.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian receive some much-deserved props for some past wisdom given, and then dispense even more by settling a dispute involving a caller, his girlfriend, and a lottery ticket. We weigh in on the Charleston shooting and revisit the McKinney pool party, after which we tackle the issue of Rachel Dolezal, the black, oops white crusader for black rights. Is there a difference between her and Caitlyn Jenner, between being a white girl identifying as black and a man identifying as a woman? Is it racist to make a movie called White Men Can’t Jump? Can a guy be in the KKK if he’s black, but blind and doesn’t know it? Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s laziness, while Jason’s bieber involves feeling like he is living in Nazi Germ [...]

Direct download: 2015_06_18_0049.mp3
Category:lottery -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the DXPs sound less like former pastors and more like philosophers, waxing profound as we address such topics as the nature of certitude and the role of evidence in achieving it, what the ramifications of artificial intelligence may be, whether aliens exist, and how we know we weren’t just created five minutes ago and pre-programmed with a bunch of false memories we mistakenly believe to be true. And orgies. We also mention those. We then tackle the issue of marriage and divorce, wondering whether ideals can just be good or whether they also have to be true. Christian’s bieber has to do with the clap, while Jason is biebered by being told what to do. 

Also, is it better to succeed at something easy or suck at something awesome?
Direct download: 2015_06_11_0048.mp3
Category:Philosophy -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the drunk ex-pastors begin by reveling in the power we recently wielded to divest the former president of FIFA of his position, after which we debate whether one of last week’s callers was a dot- or feather-Indian, as well as whether saying that is totally racist. We then reminisce about our favorite ‘80s TV shows for some reason, which the cool ones of our audience will love and the ones who are the wrong age will find incredibly boring. Christian gets some much-needed support from a caller, and another listener defends the idea of snobbishness (which Jason, of course, also has no problem with). We answer a challenge to what we said last week about whether death gives life meaning—this time with Jesus brought into the mix—and then we get to the main event: Caitlyn Jenner. Does gender inform sexual preference? Does genitalia determine gender? We tackle these and other questions as we stammer and stumble our way through this important issue. Christian’s bi [...]

Direct download: 2015_06_03_0047.mp3
Category:80s TV -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we consider our audience’s insistence that Christian is the reason people hate pretty much everything, and then delve into the nature of physical attraction and reflect on whether beauty is objective or in the eye of the beholder. A caller introduces the topic of Calvary Chapel, to which we respond by pointing out that our former megachurch has now become the “establishment” that it once stood up to (hashtag, IronyRules). The possibility of religious certainty is mulled over, and the corruption of FIFA is discussed (“FIFA,” for you Americans, is like the NBA. Just replace “National” with “Worldwide” and “Basketball” with “Football.” Then replace “Football” with “Soccer.”). We then spend a considerable time breaking down the scandal involving the Children of the Corn. I mean, the Duggars. Christian is biebered by technology, again, while Jason’s bieber stems from his resentment at being marketed to. 

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Direct download: 2015_05_28_0046.mp3
Category:Church -- posted at: 10:09pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after Christian brings our attention to a recent sex scandal involving a middle school teacher’s storage closet and Jason weighs in on how little Israel matters to the issue of biblical prophecy, the DXPs put the matter of the “dad bod” to rest for good (not because it’s not an interesting topic, but because it apparently can’t be addressed without anger, hurt feelings, nearly destroyed iPads, and the majority of the discussion left on the cutting room floor). After the mid-show break (and after Jason issues his hat-in-hand mea culpa) we take a few listeners’ questions, addressing such fundamental questions as “What does God look like?” and “If Jason is so smart, why the hell can’t he find a job?” Christian is biebered by something technological (now there’s a role reversal), while Jason’s bieber involves the food-ordering practices of adventurous eaters. 

 Also, we’ll take The Rapist for $200, Alex [...]
Direct download: 2015_05_20_0045.mp3
Category:sex scandal -- posted at: 1:40pm PDT

In this episode, Jason takes one for the DXP team by saying all kinds of controversial crap about Israel, Texas, and women (he’s not all detestable, really. He’s just tired of his BFF getting picked on over the whole “Christians should kill their children” dust-up and wanted to divert attention). Christian tells a story involving a near brawl at his son’s soccer match. Between the parents. Speaking of skirmishes, a caller asks about the conflict in the Middle East to which we offer nothing remotely resembling constructive advice (beyond Christian’s prohibiting the Bible from having any say in the matter). Jason defends his track record of insulting Texas to a caller from Texas, and is thankfully made to understand that the Lone Star State isn’t nearly as trashy as Arkansas. We then plunge headfirst into the “Dad Bod” craze, much to Christian’s discomfort. Jason is convinced his dismissal of the controversy over the so-called double standard is justified, and tha [...]

Direct download: 2015_05_13_0044.mp3
Category:Dad Bod -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the DXPs reluctantly revisit the topic of murdering our children: Christian makes it clear that he does not encourage this, while Jason entertains the idea on grounds of annoyance rather than religion. We then seek to get to the bottom of the sinister satisfaction that many fundamentalists seem to display at the idea of hell involving eternal torment (they give the phrase “Lot pitched his tent toward Sodom” a whole new meaning). Christian then observes that Catholics and Muslims seem to be having a culture war “baby-off,” which worries him significantly regardless of who wins (Jason is rooting for the saintly Westerners against the filthy war-mongers). Christian is biebered by bottles and buttons, while Jason’s bieber involves bothersome boxing bouts (our biebers this week are brought t [...]

Direct download: 2015_05_05_0043.mp3
Category:Politics -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian test out their interview skills on one of their oldest and closest friends, Michael Hernandez. After trying to figure out why Michael would choose to be gay with all the girls who were throwing themselves at him in high school, the DXPs do their best to determine if this choice of his means eternal darkness or whether or not God may spare him since at least he’s not Agnostic. (Sorry, Christian.) They reminisce about their good old days as bigoted fundamentalists and aspiring professional bowlers, acknowledging that Michael probably “bumped the twig” quite a bit more often than they did. Christian tries to get to the bottom of why marriage is important to the gays (or to anyone for that matter) while Jason offers his views of how Christians should treat the gay community. Christian refuses to accept Tom Cruise as gay and Jason refuses to accept Neil Patrick Harris as straight, while Michael is un [...]

Direct download: 2015_05_02_0042.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 7:38am PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian opens up and shares with us good saintly folks what it’s like to be a vilified, persecuted agnostic (and if he thinks God’s going to help him out with this problem, he can frickin think again). He then amuses Jason with his slurred speech, which must be contagious since by episode’s end Jason sounds like he is speaking in slow motion. The issue of the Baltimore riots gives way to a discussion of such systemic issues as wage slavery, sweatshop labor, and the crime of Driving-While-Black (geez, some people always find a reason to complain, right?). A listener’s call opens up the matter of marriage equality, causing the DXPs to discuss whether the church or the state should have any say in marriage in the first place. Jason is biebered by mathematically incorrect attempts at voicing one’s agreement, while Christian’s bieber stems from his being way too gentlemanly a spectator at sporting events. 

Also, if [...]
Direct download: 2015_04_28_0041.mp3
Category:Slavery -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

So this is 40, meaning Drunk Ex-Pastors is now officially old (like a 40 year-old man or 27 year-old woman [hey, don’t shoot the cultural messenger]). In this episode, Jason and Christian celebrate their geriatric status by swapping stories about shaving and unwanted body hair. We then bicker about whether Christian’s constant interrupting of Jason is due to the latter’s verbosity or the former’s impatience, both of which we trust are incredibly endearing. We then consider an alternative voting system that makes enough sense to never be implemented in a million years, after which we tackle the issue of money in politics. A listener’s question about the so-called “age of accountability” opens up a massive can of worms, leaving Jason vulnerable to the thorny charge of not being faithfully religious enough to murder his own children. Christian’s bieber involves his obsessive attention to a balanced check book, while Jason is biebered by any problem that can’t be solv [...]

Direct download: 2015_04_23_0040.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the Drunk Ex-Pastors do their best to live up to their names (Christian introduces a new cocktail to the arsenal, while Jason does his part by drinking several margaritas before show time). After briefly revisiting the issue of police brutality, we let our inner Californians show by divulging some of our driving habits, including the theory that driving twice the speed limit reduces one’s chances of getting a speeding ticket by half (math is hard). The DXPs then share some tips for avoiding traffic fines and ignoring overly-inquisitive borders patrol guards, as well as give a bit of insight into why we ignore all of your Facebook friend-requests. We take a listener call about whether we are prejudiced against Islam, that most violent and backward of all religions (of course we’re not). Another caller tries to drag us into a debate over abortion, which bait we wisely slash fearfully refuse to take. Christian is biebered by New Jersey governor C [...]

Direct download: 2015_04_16_0039.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:08pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss the various forms of police brutality that have been making headlines of late (yeah, yeah, we know: Not all cops are bad cops. But the way things are going, the po-po’s gotta earn the benefit of the doubt rather than being given it). We then discuss C.S. Lewis’s argument that Christ is either “a liar, a lunatic, or Lord,” and even listen to Bono’s version of the trilemma, and yet Christian still manages to harden his heart and resist the holy and inspired Word of Bono. And God. We take a listener call about the relation of faith to science and, much to Christian’s annoyance, Jason takes a completely reasonable and intellectually respectable position that refuses to see any rift between the two. Another voicemail [...]

Direct download: 2015_04_09_0038.mp3
Category:Shooting -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we witness a stunning turning-of-the-tables as Jason (the happy one) seeks to cheer up his pal Christian (the sad one). Once “Let Go, Let God” has done its job, the DXPs offer their condolences to a heartbroken caller, reflecting on the fact that, deep down, we’re all still lovesick teenagers. Christian then begins a drunken retraction of last week’s intolerance, only to change his mind and dig his heels, insisting that it’s human nature to blur the line between respecting a person and respecting his ideas (Jason reluctantly kind of agrees, but is mostly just amused at his BFF’s drunken demeanor). Christian reads a selection from Jason’s forthcoming book in which he argues that God’s archetypal fatherhood demands that divine mercy always gets the last word over divine punishment (and even Christian, our resident atheist [ahem], is impressed). We then take so [...]
Direct download: 2015_04_02_0037.mp3
Category:Germanwings -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

So this is the episode where we talk about sex (and true to form, the DXPs leave no stone unturned. Perhaps we should call ourselves the DXXXPs?). We tackle extramarital relations, masturbation, contraception, Onanism, homosexuality, and whether sex-for-pleasure is actually more human than animalistic (with Christian giving a rousing defense of his views and Jason giving a half-hearted one of his). This leads into a debate about whether a family should adjust the amount of children they have to their desired lifestyle, or the other way around. We take a caller’s question about fraternities, which springboards into a discussion about the racism and misogyny not only of SAE but of the Greek system as a whole. Christian’s bieber shows him desiring to go postal on the postal service, whi [...]

Direct download: 2015_03_26_0036.mp3
Category:Sex -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In episode #35 of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian address one of the former’s most well-known detractors (a man who is far more concerned about Jason’s Catholicism than he is about Christian’s “agnosticism, or atheism, or whatever”). We then tackle some listener questions about which religions tend to be most progressive, as well as about how to question your faith without rocking the boat (something Jason knows absolutely nothing about). Another voice mail leads to a discussion about whether business owners whose religious convictions preclude them from serving gays are douches, or morally principled douches. Since we wouldn’t be DXPs without veering into theological topics, we then discuss which command is harder for God to get his primitive people t [...]

Direct download: 2015_03_19_0035.mp3
Category:James White -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, our correction of a misstatement about the occult leads to a discussion about whether religious rationalism spelled the triumph of Muggles over Magic. We then revisit our favorite Monster Energy Drink conspiracy theorist and watch in horror as she blows her shot at web redemption (and perhaps divine redemption as well), and then wind up agreeing with an online Christian pundit who bemoans the rabid persecution of American believers (don’t worry, there is irony involved). We turn our attention to the issue of capital punishment, agreeing on our conclusion while differing on how we each arrived at it (Jason’s position is bound up in the dignity of the human person, while Christian’s just comes down to math). We tackle a few voicemails, one of which involves determining the best rock ba [...]

Direct download: 2015_03_12_0034.mp3
Category:Capital Punishment -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors one of your hosts, due to an impromptu get-together that was completely outside his control, may have prefunked just a tad more than usual (but he holds it together quite well, really, despite imbibing something like five drinks beforehand). We consider ten characteristics of a cult and seek to determine whether our old megachurch, Calvary Chapel, fits the bill, and then launch into a discussion of whether Christianity is shrinking and why. Jason answers one listener’s question about crazy preaching stories with a tale involving the New York Yankees and the Albanian mob, and Christian agrees with another caller’s comparison of theism to belief in the Tooth Fairy who, apparently, isn’t real either. This prompts a debate about whether God can be re [...]

Direct download: 2015_03_05_0033.mp3
Category:Cults. Preaching -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors Christian, despite his best efforts, continues to be used by God, an arrow in the quiver of the Almighty if you will (this goes for Jason as well, but unlike his agnostic co-host, he is merely indifferent about this rather than annoyed). The DXPs then discuss the film Fifty Shades of Grey and try to determine whether to dislike it because it’s so rapey, or simply because it sucks. Their attention then turns, as it should, to the power of the Big Paleo lobby whose “scientific research” into the “existence” of “dinosaurs” makes them the single greatest threat to our way of life since The Pentavaret itself. The issue of Christian privilege is then discussed (as well as the Fundamentalist martyr complex mocked), but then, seemingly o [...]

Direct download: 2015_02_26_0032.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason renounces Christianity and decides to try nihilism on for size (God, he has learned, is only worth worshiping if he makes our lives easy and comfortable and gives us everything we want). But don’t worry, we’re sure he’ll return to the fold. Christian then recounts a harrowing tale from Vegas involving a Scandinavian snowman on the attack, and the DXPs delve into the thorny issue of whether believers should be “against” dinosaurs, or just ignore them altogether. The discussion turns to gambling and whether it’s really as sinful as religion has portrayed it over the years. Speaking of religion, we learn in this episode what’s really behind Christian’s utter disdain for Jesus (hint: it involves wearing hats in church), which segues into a discussion of just [...]

Direct download: 2015_02_18_0031.mp3
Category:Nihilism -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason, in various forms and sundry ways, suffers abuse and scorn from Christian, his irritable co-host (causing Jason to wonder, for perhaps the first time in his life, whether he is this much of a dick when he’s in a bad mood, which is quite often). Useless self-reflection aside, the discussion begins with the moral ramifications, if any, of actions committed in a virtual-reality world, and then turns to the abject hatred that President Obama displayed toward Christianity during his speech at the National Prayer Breakfast for the 1% of the time he wasn’t praising Christianity. The DXPs then tackle a couple listeners’ questions about whether true love necessitates free will, causing Christian to moan and complain, not about [...]

Direct download: 2015_02_11_0030.mp3
Category:Virtual Reality -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason faces the difficult challenge of choosing between a sport he doesn’t care about and a job he hates. After answering a question about online dating, Jason and Christian discuss the recent statements of atheist Stephen Fry, pronouncing god, if he exists, as stupid thanks to bone cancer in children. After a quick discussion about GMOs, they begin working through listener voicemails. A question that has nothing to do with the new Microsoft HoloLens leads to a discussion about the new Microsoft HoloLens. They discuss whether or not Christians would give up being “right” in order for more people to get into heaven. They then get asked about demonic possession which leads Jason to talk in a way that Christian can’t help slow-blinking at, and after solving the topic of free will, Jason is biebered by [...]

Direct download: 2015_02_04_0029b.mp3
Category:Humor -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian talk about yoga pants. Naturally, this brings up many more topics such as when candy had its zenith, exactly what it means to covet your neighbor’s ass, and what it would be like if women catcalled men. They then talk about gay men marrying women and whether or not that will make god happy finally. A caller asks why a father shouldn’t marry his daughter, which leads to Jason being confused about how reproduction works. Jason is biebered by overly conservative people, and Christian is biebered by having to keep quiet until he has everything figured out.

Also, Jason advocates for straight men getting gay-married…again. Hmmm.

Direct download: 2015_01_28_0028.mp3
Category:Religion -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian jump on the Seahawks bandwagon. They lament their failed childhood radio careers. They tell stories of gluttony, obstructive sleep apnea, and mushrooms from the cruise. They talk about how car salesman get revenge for bad reviews. They mock (and refuse) the apology of the punching pastor. They come up with more stereotypes for white people. They discuss whether or not places can be holy or sacred and what that means for Catholics who want to get married on the beach. Jason is biebered by people who are biebered by Michael Moore being biebered by snipers. Christian is biebered by people who don’t recognize that movies are the highest form of art.

Also, is love in the air for Jason and Christian on the high seas? Their cabin boy thinks so.

Direct download: 2015_01_21_0027.mp3
Category:Catholicism -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian and Jason start off with a voicemail from a listener who describes an unsuccessful attempt at introducing a friend to the podcast which ends with that friend thinking they’re racist. A question about Christian’s agnosticism leads to a discussion about whether or not the Bible is reliable and if Jesus could be who the Bible claims he is. Another caller, not realizing that Jason and Christian have been labeled as racist, brings up the issue of racial stereotypes. Alcohol encourages them to go ahead and take on the topic. A couple of other callers ask questions about how Christian’s and Jason’s personal lives were affected by their change in beliefs, which Christian is happy to answer. Jason remains dodgy. Finally, Jason is biebered by the fact that money makes it so that he can’t be more lazy.

Also, Jason admits to feeling emotions once after some champagne.

Direct download: 2014_12_17_0026.mp3
Category:Alcohol -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after some childhood memories of thrown Brussels sprouts and spilled honey, a shot in honor of their fine listeners, one of Jason’s stories from the car dealership, and Christian trying to talk himself out of buying a new car, Jason and Christian analyze some of the criticism of the podcast, delving into the nature of the podcast itself. After a third attempt at explaining that they don’t hate Capitalism, they examine the death of Christians compared to the death of non-Christians and whether or not dying well proves anything, and eventually whether or not anything proves anything. After a break to refill drinks and order pizza, Christian and Jason discuss why God keeps playing tricks on humans, such as creating the earth to look so old. They then enjoy some spontaneous feedback from listeners via Facebook and are interrupted by the pizza arriving early. Jason is biebered by having to travel more than five miles ever [...]

Direct download: 2015_01_06_0025.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after a quick discussion about the ways they would abuse lucid dreaming and why living like Jesus would completely screw up one’s life, Christian and Jason analyze the recently finished yearlong experiment of Ryan Bell, a former pastor who decided last January to live like an atheist and report his findings. They then address feedback from listeners on the topics of scientific theory (it’s just theory!), torture (it’s totally OK!), and Capitalism (they hate it, obviously). They then address the recent suicide of Leelah (Joshua) Alcorn, a transgender teen who was told by their parents that “God doesn’t make mistakes.” Jason is biebered by rhyming with poor timing, and Christian is biebered by people who are biebered by New Year’s resolutions.

Also, Christian explains why you should be happy that your partner would like to have sex with other people. 

Direct download: 2015_01_01_0024.mp3
Category:Religion -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

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