Drunk Ex-Pastors (general)
Podcast #88: Are You There, God? It’s us, the Drunk Ex-Pastors

We begin episode #88 of DXP by discovering, through sheer trial and error, that veganism is just cannibalism in seed form. We respectfully and dignifiedly make fun of the pro-gun woman whose toddler shot her, and then address an off-color metaphor (ahem) that one of us used in our last episode (doesn’t matter who). We take a phone call asking about the prudence of voting for the lesser of two evils, which confused us because we were under the impression that that’s what all voting just is. We then turn our attention to the existence of God, tackling such thorny topics as the problem of evil, free will, the Holocaust, and that one kid who died, went to heaven and saw a bunch of amazing stuff, and then came back to tell about it (scoring a killer book deal in the process, as luck would have it). We discuss the nature of evidence and probability when used to argue God’s existence, all of which Christian thinks is just bullshit. Our "Dick Move, God!" segment introduces us to a man whose prospects for love were shattered by a bunch of construction workers, and finally, Jason is biebered by hotel amenities, while Christian’s bieber involves that Geico lizard.

Also, this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors is brought to you by sarsaparilla. “Sarsaparilla: That stuff that only agnostics and cowboys drink.”

Direct download: 2016_03_11_0088.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #87: What Would Bernie Eat?

This episode begins with a solemn reflection on Americans’ porn preferences (really, Wyoming?), after which we begin a discussion on food and diet, to which we return toward the end of the show. Christian shares his experiences at his recent “team building” meeting among his sales and marketing associates, all of which makes Jason sad. We take a call from a listener who chides Christian for his alleged misuse of the term “literally,” but much to Jason’s disgust his co-host explains why the caller was in fact wrong (all of this leads to a diatribe from Jason on poo-poo etiquette, we’ll just leave it at that). We break down Super Tuesday and insult a bunch of people in the process, and then spend some time searching through a Christian movie website’s catalogue of family-friendly films. We follow up on the Kesha controversy, and then address whether Hollywood is hypocritical in its selective outrage as displayed in movies like Spotlight. We finish up trying to understand why black people are just so much more criminal than everyone else.

Also, calling America the “greatest nation on earth” when you’ve never traveled is about the most meaningless compliment ever.

Direct download: 2016_03_02_0087.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:43pm PST

Podcast #86: Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail

This episode of DXP begins with our bitching and moaning about our various tax- and credit card-related hassles, after which Jason insists on addressing the controversy surrounding Kesha and her allegations of sexual assault by her producer (a discussion that Christian wants absolutely no part of), leading us into the broader issues surrounding these kinds of he said / she said situations. We take a voicemail from a couple fellow podcasters about Lent, and then we move into the topic of taxes (precipitated by a Facebook experiment that Christian conducted), wondering aloud why those who object to taxes being used for education rarely seem to have a problem with them being used for endless warfare. We then turn our attention to Donald Trump, spending most of our remaining time wringing our hands and fretting. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment addresses the scary and imminent prospect of Obama personally administering the Mark of the Beast, and we conclude with disclosing the real reason why we’re all about to die.


Also, Obama killed Osama? Psssh! Which president hasn’t?

Direct download: 2016_02_26_0086.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #85: The Murder of Justice Scalia

This edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a depressing reminder that we are aging and on a steep decline in health and wellness followed by an economics lesson on how, if we are all dying anyway, we can live for free off other people’s money until we meet our untimely end. We then hear from a local listener whose Valentine’s Day ended with some sexy lovin’ despite how it began (with public half-naked man-wrestling). We then take a caller’s question about whether CrossFit is a cult or merely a lifestyle-defining group with incredibly devoted members whose zeal to convert others to their way of life utterly consumes them. Another caller asks whether Jason’s insistence that Leftist extremists are more benign than their Right-wing counterparts is actually true or just special pleading, after which we recount the birthday festivities that took place after last week’s show as recorded. We seek to put to bed all present and future charges of racial and political bias by criticizing a bunch of white people, and then continue our “Pagan Repent!” discussion by examining why God, despite having a myriad of options, would choose to reveal himself to first-century Jews (or as Christian calls them, “those people”). Our “Feeding Friendsy” portion of the show seeks to get to the bottom of Justice Scalia’s obvious murder, ascertaining whether the killer had help or if Obama simply acted alone. And finally, Christian is biebered by the fact that he apparently looks like a teenager (albeit one with chronic breathing problems).

Also, if Bernie doesn’t win, look at the bright side — at least he can get back to his real passion: stabbing babies with scissors on their birthday

Direct download: 2016_02_19_0085.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #84: Bi-Partisan Whackjobs and the Fulfillment of Prophecy

We start this episode of DXP with a brief discussion of ale, beer, and the White House’s crappy Wi-Fi, after which we take a voice mail from none other than renowned physicist Stephen Hawking whose mother, we hope, he doesn’t kiss with that mouth. We wrap up our in-depth report on whether it’s OK for white people to dislike Cam Newton, and speaking of wrapping, Christian surprises Jason with some birthday gifts live on the air. We then turn our attention to the plethora of high-budget Christian movies that are premiering soon, even vowing to watch some of them (for a price). We take another call from a listener who argues that yes, there are just as many nutjobs on the Left as there are on the Right (which, we carefully explain, is ridiculous), after which Christian offers a response to Jason’s challenge in last week’s “Pagan Repent!” segment. Finally, in our “Feeding Friendsy” portion of the show we break down the controversy involving black women and their audacity in drawing attention to what it’s like to be women who are black (after which we listen to some good old fashioned non-activist music like Springsteen and Dylan).

Also, we’ve seen a tiny-ass .22 round nose drop a nigga plenty of days, man.

Direct download: 2016_02_09_0084.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #83: The Pending Christian Holocaust

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a complete and cavalier dismissal of most medical and psychological “syndromes” (we don’t trust things we can’t relate to) and then foray briefly into an anti-technology rant for some reason. We then spend some time coddling and placating our audience and their blind devotion to Cam Newton (yes, he is a wonderful man off the field; no, we’re sure you’re right that he doesn’t have a single arrogant or taunting bone in his body; and yeah, we’re well aware he can feed five thousand hungry people with five loaves and two fish. Geez, if you people spent half that energy worshiping Jesus instead of this guy you’d actually have a chance at not being Chinese water tortured for all eternity). We spend some time discussing the nature of God’s involvement in the world, and then watch a video warning us about Obama Bin-Hitler’s sinister plans to kill 75% of Americans because of their Christian faith (and apparently he’ll also be holocausting himself since he’s a believer too). We try out a new segment titled “Pagan Repent!” in which Jason attempts to get past Christian’s hardened and seemingly impenetrable heart by trying to make the faith more palatable. Jason is biebered by all the eggshells that he walks upon.

Also, “Ecclesial Playboys.” It’s a thing.

Direct download: 2016_02_02_0083.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #82: Race, Sports, and Hip-Hop Culture

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with Christian explaining what he’s been doing with his down-time while sick, and then moves on to Jason’s love for Australians and their “busted pluggers” (which is not nearly as sexual as it sounds). We conclude our reporting on the militia standoff in Oregon (they’re all dead or in jail), and then take a listener’s call about whether people who adopt stupid ideas are themselves stupid, or just kind of uncritical and unreflective (i.e., stupid). We take a fan’s suggestion and weigh in on Carolina Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton and attempt to narrow down the exact reason why we hate him, which leads to a lengthy discussion about whether certain cultures are superior while others are just plain crappy. We watch a pro-gun pastor’s paranoid video about cage-fighter Jesus before launching into our “Feeding Friendsy” segment about the dangers of needing famous pawns for the Christian culture war. And finally, in our “Dick Move, God” segment Jason gets all up close and personal.

Also, Wiz Khalifa and Kanye West are both drowning and you only have time to save one. So, what kind of sandwich do you make?

Direct download: 2016_01_29_0082.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #81: Oscar the Racist

This post-cruise episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (featuring a slightly under-the-weather Catholic and an at-death’s-door agnostic) begins with a tale about a near-fatal “three-hour tour” and a free lesson in how to make a drug cocktail that sounds delicious and will for sure kill you. We break down Palin’s eloquent endorsement of Donald Trump and then turn our attention to the ongoing armed and illegal occupation of government lands in Oregon by law-abiding patriots, which leads us into a discussion of the role of civil disobedience in America’s history. We then spend some time talking about the miraculous release of American pastor Saeed Abedini from an Iranian prison by Barack Obama and Jesus. Speaking of swarthy people, the Oscars nominated zero of them. We discuss how racist this apparently is, as well as how racist we are when no one’s watching. Christian’s bieber involves David Bowie “putting on his red shoes and dancing the blues” in hell, while Jason is biebered by not being allowed to call the cops on more people.

Also, this episode may seem short, but Jason did edit out about 45 minutes of coughing.

Direct download: 2016_01_24_0081.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #80: A Conservative Guide to Liberalism

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins (much to Jason’s distaste) with a tale of vomit, poo, and Christian’s supposedly comforting bedside manner. We then take a call from a listener whose holiday cheer rivals that of the Grinch, but which leads to a discussion about which is more indicative of Christianity: Frosty the Snowman or the Easter Bunny. We then turn our attention to a video by the Jewish conservative radio personality, Dennis Prager, on the supposed differences between Right- and Left-wingers. We can barely make it through more than a few seconds at a time without having to hit Pause and politely (or not-so-politely) demur, but at least we learn from it that rape on college campuses is a myth, so I guess there’s that. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment details all the parallels between Obama and Hitler (during which Jason suggests a massive bet with the audience potentially involving thousands of dollars), after which we take another call accusing us of hate-speech and unfair ridicule (Us? Ridicule? Come on!). Jason’s bieber betrays his disgust towards man’s best friend, while Christian is biebered by the British.

Also, what am I going to do with a gun rack?

Direct download: 2016_01_04_0080.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST

Podcast #79: Can’t We All Just Get Along?

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by taking a call that causes us to wrestle with the proper term for cripples (as in, is it wrong to call them cripples? We aren’t sure, but we’re looking into it). We then take another voice mail from the same listener, but we become distracted by trying to outdo one another with our best Midwest accents (ookee dookee, y’betcha). After we have sufficiently amused ourselves we deal with her actual question, which results in our spending a good chunk of time addressing the issue of fostering and maintaining relationships with people with whom we disagree over significant issues. We take a voice mail about Satanism and another about good guys with guns, and then move on to another installment of our segment, “Go Home, Google, You’re Drunk.” In our “Dick Move, God” segment we are introduced to an evangelist who is so unsuccessful that not even the good Lord himself is willing to help the poor guy out, which leads us to the issue of what it would take to lure our resident agnostic back into the Christian fold.

Also, we apologize in advance for anyone we offended in this episode. Political correctness is hard (and we’re not even cripples).

Direct download: 2016_01_02_0079.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PST