Drunk Ex-Pastors (uncategorized)

In this episode of DXP “we”—Jason and the listening audience—are granted privileged access into a private therapy session between Christian and porn-addict recovery specialist Seth Taylor (tackling such sensitive topics as “How does Christian know he’s actually clinically addicted?”; “How often is so often that it becomes a problem”; and “Masturbation-related injuries: what causes them and how they can be avoided in the future”). Semi-kidding aside, we were thrilled to have Seth on the show: he’s an author, mystic, and overall deep thinker who brings a whole lot of humanity to the table as we discuss spirituality, sexuality, and addiction (Jason imagines that this is precisely what Jesus would have done). Enjoy!

Direct download: 2015_09_02_0061.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 11:16pm PDT

Jason and Christian begin episode 60 of Drunk Ex-Pastors by enjoying some immediate karma for a lady who has it coming. They then lament the downfall of their favorite Survivor contestant and Fox and Friends correspondent, Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Going from bad to worse, the DXPs then discuss Michelle Carter, pretty much the worst girlfriend any guy could ask for. They then move on to Kim Davis, present-day “Rosa Parks” and Christian martyr, sacrificing her own freedom to make sure the sanctity of marriage is kept intact for heterosexual serial brides like herself. (Not only did three men marry her, but one of these apparently very desperate men married her twice!) Jason likes whatever Christian tells him to like and Christian likes his victory over the establishment. Christian is biebered by yet another way his body is attempting to do him in, and Jason is biebered either by being advertised to or by his own hypocrisy. He’s unsure. 

Also, this episode sucked before Chris [...]
Direct download: 2015_09_04_0060.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by relaying a harrowing tale involving a Mexican native of Honduras who was buried alive, after which we take a call from a minister who admires Christian’s Christianity (yep, you read that right). We then venture into the crazy world of glossolalia, end times prophecy, and TV preachers, trying to figure out if anyone actually believes in this stuff (Jason admits that he misses how exciting it used to be to constantly be looking for the antichrist and fighting the mark of the beast that he’s seriously considering rejoining the team). We turn our attention to the infamous Ashley Madison leak and to Josh Duggar in particular, seeking to determine whether he deserves his public lashings more than others do (yes). Christian is biebered by myopia in the voting booth, while Jason’s bieber involves having to exert himself, ever. 

 Also, we totally need a DXP drinking game.
Direct download: 2015_08_25_0059.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:55pm PDT

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with Jason asking Christian to diagnose him after he discovers the depths of his own duplicity and greed, after which we banter a bit about the various presidential hopefuls. Christian then shares an interesting insight that he “read somewhere” (ahem) about our present dystopic existence. We take a listener’s call asking us to reflect a bit about DXP’s one-year anniversary and the highs and lows we’ve experienced doing this podcast (the lows were easier to remember for Jason than the highs were), and then Christian describes his day meeting his son’s new fraternity brothers at the U-Dub. We answer questions about demons, as well as about who Christian turns to in times of difficulty now that he hates Jesus (when Jason [...]

Direct download: 2015_08_18_0058.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:06pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we open the floor up to you, the listener, and let you set the table for the evening’s discussion. We begin by tackling the issue of who would win in a fight between the two of us (Jason didn’t agree with Christian’s answer, but he chose not to press the issue because he hates fighting). We take a listener’s call about vasectomies and miscarriages, and then address Target’s plan to ruin America and force our kids to gay one another. The discussion then takes a turn and we discuss exactly how many self-proclaimed female victims there need to be before we’ll believe that a famous comedian sexually assaulted them despite the fact that he’s really, really funny. Christian thinks he is biebered by randomly-committed airport faux pas, but is actually just being racist. Jason’s bieber puts all of Hollywood on not [...]

Direct download: 2015_08_11_0057.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:58pm PDT

In this our one-year anniversary episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin by letting the South off the hook and setting our sites somewhere else for a change: Florida (which is technically not the South, even though it’s farther south than the South, which just goes to show how stupid they all are). We then spend a few moments talking about drones, robots, and cartoons, after which we spend the remainder of the first half discussing fundamentalist pro-lifers, and how there’s just. No. Pleasing them. We then take a listener’s call about evangelicals and Catholics, which leads us to a debate about whether Catholics suck way worse or whether they both suck the exact same amount. Christian’s bieber involves traffic etiquette, while Jason is biebered by how logistically [...]

Direct download: 2015_08_04_0056.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:43pm PDT

In this episode, the DXPs share their opinions on kids’ sports and Christian’s new Mom Jeans for dads, after which we debate whether Noachian terms should still be used (“Noachian” is an outdated word meaning “outdated”). We then spend some time discussing whether it’s OK to be disgusted both by selling dead baby livers and killing majestic African animals, or if we just have to be saddened by one and indifferent about the other. We take a voicemail about whether Christianity demands participation in war (and if it does, then Jason might be an even worse Christian than Christian, which is quite a feat), and afterwards we insult the South a little bit (because why not?). We then start arguing about who interrupts whom more, which nearly brings the show to an abrupt end. Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s laziness, while Jason’s bieber, once again, involves youths. 

 Also, guns don’t kill people. Bullets do.
Direct download: 2015_07_28_0055.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the DXPs try to determine whether they are a part of a new-fangled cultural demographic that they eventually conclude is mostly bullshit (but at times eerily specific and correct in its description of them). We then spend some time on the long past-due topic of Keanu Reeves (you’re welcome), after which we take listener voicemails about agnosticism and whether Cherokees and Catholics can date. We then turn our attention to the deaths of the four U.S. Marines killed by Islamic extremists (or were they just everyday, garden-variety Muslims?), discussing: (1) whether America should retaliate for this attack; (2) whether this attack was retaliation for some other attack we already did; (3) whether that previous attack, for which this attack was retaliation, was itself retaliation for some earlier attack done to us; or (4) whether we should get the hell out of the Middle East altogether and turn the region over to Satan. Jason is biebered by hooliganery, while Christi [...]

Direct download: 2015_07_20_0054.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 12:23am PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian begin by discussing whether they feel like they are aging too quickly (in one of their cases) or not quickly enough (in the case of the other). We then address why it is that Christian is “really open” about his personal life (at least about the things he didn’t insist Jason delete from the final version of the show), while Jason seems to be less so. We then turn our attention to the issue of pacifism and whether religious people should be less warmonger-y than they tend to be in this country, after which we tackle the issue of why the youth in Asia are all killing themselves in Europe. Jason is biebered by the increasing obsolescence of the human brain, while Christian’s bieber involves slowing down for cops. 

Also, how stoked is that teenaged Albuquerque kid that Heisenberg totally nailed his mom?
Direct download: 2015_07_14_0053.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:39pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss such topics as: how many times a day a person should look in the mirror, the asymmetricality of Christian’s face, what Jason would be willing to do for ten million dollars, and their waiter from the previous night who looks just like Ryan Gosling if Ryan Gosling wasn’t paid to look like he was “Photoshopped.” The DXPs then throw caution to the wind and jump right into women’s sports and why they’re not as popular as men’s sports in general. If they left anyone unoffended by that conversation, they’ll get to you in the next conversation about the Supreme Court’s rulings on Obamacare and Marriage Equality. Jason is biebered by having to purchase more than one thing when he goes to the store and Christian is biebered by round toilets. 

Also, if your significant other has a pimple, what is the proper etiquette? Do you ignore it or do you point at it and laugh?
Direct download: 2015_07_02_0052.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason begins with a riddle for Christian, the answer to which Christian is not sure he agrees with (but then, neither do thousands of PhDs, but what do they know?). We dabble briefly in geopolitics once again, this time weighing the pros and cons of having more female world leaders (because as men, we feel it’s our place to opine on such matters), after which we take a call that causes Christian to ask Jason to hide his erection. We discuss the issue of how “Christian” America was intended to be on a scale of “Pretty Damn” to “Utterly and Completely.” Christian’s bieber has to do with sticky messes, while Jason is biebered by (wait for it) not enough technology. 

Also, trust us: You always switch doors.
Direct download: 2015_06_30_0051.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian revisit WWII and debate whether saving one Jew was worth killing 250,000 Japs (Christian seems to think so), leading us into a discussion about whether someone can be a noble soldier serving an ignoble national agenda (during which Jason accidentally compares the U.S. to Nazi Germany). The subject of racism emerges again, forcing us to rate just how racist Southerners are on a scale of 4 – 10 (there simply aren’t any numbers lower than 4 on this scale), after which we tackle the topic of parents virally video-shaming their kids. Jason’s bieber involves prohibiting white people from naming streets, while Christian is biebered by radio stations in the summer. 

Also, get in line, starving Africans, because our church’s prayer chain is clogging up the pipeline with requests for God to heal little Timmy’s sniffles.
Direct download: 2015_06_25_0050.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian test out their interview skills on one of their oldest and closest friends, Michael Hernandez. After trying to figure out why Michael would choose to be gay with all the girls who were throwing themselves at him in high school, the DXPs do their best to determine if this choice of his means eternal darkness or whether or not God may spare him since at least he’s not Agnostic. (Sorry, Christian.) They reminisce about their good old days as bigoted fundamentalists and aspiring professional bowlers, acknowledging that Michael probably “bumped the twig” quite a bit more often than they did. Christian tries to get to the bottom of why marriage is important to the gays (or to anyone for that matter) while Jason offers his views of how Christians should treat the gay community. Christian refuses to accept Tom Cruise as gay and Jason refuses to accept Neil Patrick Harris as straight, while Michael is un [...]

Direct download: 2015_05_02_0042.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 7:38am PDT

So this is 40, meaning Drunk Ex-Pastors is now officially old (like a 40 year-old man or 27 year-old woman [hey, don’t shoot the cultural messenger]). In this episode, Jason and Christian celebrate their geriatric status by swapping stories about shaving and unwanted body hair. We then bicker about whether Christian’s constant interrupting of Jason is due to the latter’s verbosity or the former’s impatience, both of which we trust are incredibly endearing. We then consider an alternative voting system that makes enough sense to never be implemented in a million years, after which we tackle the issue of money in politics. A listener’s question about the so-called “age of accountability” opens up a massive can of worms, leaving Jason vulnerable to the thorny charge of not being faithfully religious enough to murder his own children. Christian’s bieber involves his obsessive attention to a balanced check book, while Jason is biebered by any problem that can’t be solv [...]

Direct download: 2015_04_23_0040.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode, the Drunk Ex-Pastors do their best to live up to their names (Christian introduces a new cocktail to the arsenal, while Jason does his part by drinking several margaritas before show time). After briefly revisiting the issue of police brutality, we let our inner Californians show by divulging some of our driving habits, including the theory that driving twice the speed limit reduces one’s chances of getting a speeding ticket by half (math is hard). The DXPs then share some tips for avoiding traffic fines and ignoring overly-inquisitive borders patrol guards, as well as give a bit of insight into why we ignore all of your Facebook friend-requests. We take a listener call about whether we are prejudiced against Islam, that most violent and backward of all religions (of course we’re not). Another caller tries to drag us into a debate over abortion, which bait we wisely slash fearfully refuse to take. Christian is biebered by New Jersey governor C [...]

Direct download: 2015_04_16_0039.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 10:08pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors Christian, despite his best efforts, continues to be used by God, an arrow in the quiver of the Almighty if you will (this goes for Jason as well, but unlike his agnostic co-host, he is merely indifferent about this rather than annoyed). The DXPs then discuss the film Fifty Shades of Grey and try to determine whether to dislike it because it’s so rapey, or simply because it sucks. Their attention then turns, as it should, to the power of the Big Paleo lobby whose “scientific research” into the “existence” of “dinosaurs” makes them the single greatest threat to our way of life since The Pentavaret itself. The issue of Christian privilege is then discussed (as well as the Fundamentalist martyr complex mocked), but then, seemingly o [...]

Direct download: 2015_02_26_0032.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after taking a “holiday” shot suggestion submitted by a listener and getting an update on the woeful life of a car salesman, Christian and Jason springboard off of something Jason said in the last podcast into whether or not Christianity should be any different than any other organization or religion. (Or as Christian likes to wonder, should God make a difference?) They then address a listener’s voicemail about speaking in tongues and whether or not anyone is actually doing it for real, especially 3rd graders being filmed by the news. They then address the homicide of Eric Garner by Staten Island police and attempt to answer the difficult question of whether or not being black and weighing 350 pounds is grounds enough for being strangled to death by law enforcement. (Hint: No. Never.) Jason is biebered by literally everything.

Also, Jason uses the word “psycholologize.” [...]

Direct download: 2014_12_10_0020.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 12:38pm PDT

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