Drunk Ex-Pastors (general)

Episode #162 begins with a voicemail from a caller who is embarrassed at having left us a voicemail, after which we explain that there’s a space-time continuum (which is why we blasted John McCain BEFORE he shot down the GOP’s healthcare bill, but that episode was released AFTERWARDS). We hear from another caller who can’t believe the kinds of things Christian used to do with his wife, as well as from someone weighing in on that awesome ‘90s movie starring Sinbad where he played a genie (you remember that one, right? Of course you do). We are challenged on our recent statements about trans people in sports, after which our “Mansplaining Match” segment seeks to save women a ton of money (you’re welcome). “True Bromance” features a letter Jason wrote to Christian in 1994 which proves that the former ended up with the latter’s true calling. We discuss the difference between Trump and Jesus in our “Feeding Friendsy,” after which we move on to biebers: Christian’s has to do with buffets and Jason’s with visiting the bathroom after the buffet.

Also, damn that Shazaam movie was good, right?

Direct download: 2017_08_12_0162.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:06pm PDT

We begin this episode with Christian relaying his experience with Virtual Reality goggles, which quickly turns into a plan to build a VR sex dungeon in his basement (pics to follow, stay tuned). Our "Mansplaining Match" segment tries to help women realize that ducks don't necessarily have the hottest faces, but that human ones are just fine. We take a call about whether trans people ought to be treated according to their preferred gender always or just sometimes, and we weigh in on our Clown-in-Chief's tweets regarding transgender people serving in the military. "True Bromance" continues, this time with Jason reading a 24 year-old letter from his cohost in which the latter displays his Jedi mind trick skills with the ladies. Christian is biebered by just about everything that takes place while he's behind the wheel, while Jason's bieber has to do with size mattering.

Also, the women's tennis tour is about to get much more challenging....

Direct download: 2017_07_29_0161.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Episode #160 of DXP begins with what by all accounts is a pretty sweet celebrity voice impression. We then take a call from a listener who shares his personal experience with No One (he’s an atheist now), which leads to a lengthy discussion of the relationship between divine omnipotence and human responsibility (hey, we were drunk). We take three voicemails (three!) which, we think, have something to do with community or something. After mulling over the idea of actually starting a church, we launch into “Mansplaining Match” and “Messed-Up Math” (the former has to do with parents and the latter with threesomes). Jason takes a call about why he bothers being Catholic, after which our “True Bromance” segment features Christian reading a 1994 letter from Jason. Christian’s bieber has to do with bottoms, while Jason is biebered by an improper balance of quotation marks.

Also, we should TOTALLY start a church.

Direct download: 2017_07_25_0160.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:53pm PDT

Episode #159 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a caller questioning Jason’s fashion sense and continues with a discussion about how many demons you get from doing yoga. We respond to some more pushback over our insistence that the Right is more overtly violent than the Left is, after which another listener expresses shock over Jason’s work ethic. Once we are sufficiently well-lubricated we weigh in on North Korea (you’re welcome), and Christian’s “Mansplaining Match” segment makes it clear that dating sites are not intended to help ladies find new dads for their children. WE take a call about facing adversity, and then get into our latest segment, “True Bromance,” during which Jason reads a letter Christian sent him 24 years ago (hilarity ensues). Christian is biebered by a certain lamely-spelled app, while Jason’s bieber questions what gluten ever did to anyone to deserve to be shunned the way it is lately.

Also, Manpris or Capros? You decide….

Direct download: 2017_07_23_0159.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Episode #158 of DXP is a bit of a clusterf*ck: Not only was it delayed 24 hours due to both of us moving, but the tech issues when setting up to record were such that, well, it just doesn’t sound quite as good as it should. But as our delay demonstrated, you’re all addicted enough to this crackpipe of a show that you’ll give a bit of grace to get your fix. We begin with a voicemail from Omaha of all places, and then discuss our douchebag president’s douche son. Jason is challenged by a caller over whether the Right is more violent than the Left, and then we are both accused of alcoholism by another listener citing the CDC (but in our defense, we are apparently guilty of plenty of other “-isms” as well). Our “Mansplaining Match” segment helps women understand that their love of nature’s beauty plays no role in whether we find them so, and “Messed Up Math” explains to male 40-somethings that they’re basically pathetic and the last ones to get the joke. Finally, our “True Bromance” segment shows just how little Jason has changed over the past 20 years. Christian is biebered by his postal problems, while Jason’s bieber has to do with electricity taking itself too seriously.

Also, Schenectady is totally the new Omaha.

Direct download: 2017_07_17_0158.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 6:34am PDT

We begin this episode by (re)visiting the bathroom, and specifically the issues of Euro-boobs and prickly women, after which one of us insists, without having been asked, that he is not an alcoholic. Christian’s “Mansplaining Match” segment cautions women about whom they include in their online dating profile pics, which springboards into one of Jason’s theories about female friendships in general (hint for the ladies: Don’t let your weight fluctuate too much or you’ll need to find a new group of friends). This week’s “True Bromance” portion of the show features Jason reading a letter sent to him by Christian in 1993, complete with Bible verses and everything. We discuss MMA and violence in general, and receive some pushback from the folks at the 30-Rockers podcast about our recent criticisms of the program. We briefly discuss whether one of us is more boastful about where he’s from than the other and whether it’s warranted (which it totally is), and lastly we consider John McEnroe’s recent controversial claims about men and women actually being different. Christian is biebered by being constantly beeped at, while Jason’s bieber has to do with white people.

Also, those *were* European shampoo commercials we were watching and not porn, right?

Direct download: 2017_07_08_0157.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:19pm PDT

Episode #156 of DXP was REALLY fun to record, although chances are that neither of us remembers much of what was said (so to any nationalities, genders, races, or political persuasions we insulted, we apologize). After some initial discussion involving facial hair and bottle rockets we move into some touching territory wherein Christian reads aloud a letter (yes, letter) that Jason sent to him in 1994. We are pretty sure this will end up being a new segment since, after recording, Jason dug up around 20 old letters from Christian. So be prepared to see how frickin adorable our bromance is. Our “Mansplaining Match” segment helps women understand how not to make us exhausted before we’ve even met, and our “Messed Up Math” portion of the show relays the advantages of weight gain after falling in love rather than before. We read some of Trump’s tweets just for fun, after which Christian relays how biebering click-bait is, while Jason’s bieber has to do with the illusion of actually having a choice when we doesn’t.

Also, we’re both kinda nervous about this episode. Really….

Direct download: 2017_07_01_0156.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:05pm PDT

DXP #155 begins with a call from a southern listener who simultaneously bemoans and reinforces all the reasons we mock the South, after which we discuss just how black you have to be to be licensed to use the N-word (All? Half? 25%?). In our “Mansplaining Match” segment, Christian helps hapless women navigate the issue of dating profile pics, after which things take a somewhat depressing and morbid turn as we discuss heartbreak, capital punishment for sociopaths, suicide, and whether video games make kids violent. Jason is biebered by his state’s traffic laws, while Christian’s bieber has to do with something he has done, on average, like twice a year for his entire sad life.

Also, our sense is that “mulattoes” is no longer a thing, but we can’t pinpoint how we know that.

Direct download: 2017_06_25_0155.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:05pm PDT

DXP #154 begins with some clarification over ‘90s bands and vocab, after which we take a call that demonstrates just how entitled and technologically inept we really are. We then are asked about the censorship of transgender boobs, which leads us into all manner of personal divulgences from nipple tweaking to masturbating on buses. Once again, Christian mansplains Match.com, focusing on profile pics and what they should include and exclude. In our “Messed-Up Math” segment, Jason outlines the unfortunate formula according to which a man’s cautionary tale becomes his goal. We get an interesting question (even though it’s from the 909) about whether being predisposed to seeing miracles helps people see them and vice versa, as well as voicemails about the treatment public figures receive in response to controversial behavior, why people think the English language is in danger, and whether it’s fair to say that conservatives are more violent than liberals (given recent events). Jason’s bieber is leading him to smoking in enclosed public places, while Christian is biebered by Jason.

Also, there’s just a LOT of nipple in this one.

Direct download: 2017_06_18_0154.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:28pm PDT

We begin DXP #153 with some pushback against how we do cultural appropriation, after which we hear thoughts from the former Mexican president about our current one. A caller urges us to start our own church, which we seriously consider for three seconds, after which another listener seeks to put a new song in Christian’s heart. We begin a new segment titled “Mansplaining Match,” during which Christian seeks to help women with their online dating profiles. Another new segment is debuted called “Messed Up Math,” which highlights just how unfair this world is for women. We briefly discuss the phenomenon that is Wonder Woman, which Jason has no patience for, after which we listen in as two famous black guys interview the inventor of the alt-right (plenty of awkward silences ensue). Speaking of awkward racial stuff, we discuss Bill Maher’s apology for dropping the N-bomb, after which the C-word is used toward one of us by an irate caller. Jason is biebered by people who can’t just get over the whole incest thing, while Christian’s bieber has to do with the hassle of eating certain things.

Also, the formula is simple: Pussy plus Time over Income squared.

Direct download: 2017_06_11_0153.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:15pm PDT

DXP #152 begins with a lesson in political correctness (who knew that the proper term for midgets is not “People McNuggets”?). We then take a series of voicemails on topics ranging from whether pastors need to pay taxes, what kinds of tattoos we have, and what parenting advice we offer. We spend a fair bit of time talking about black people: Do white people think all black people are pretty much the same, or do they differ based on where they live like white people do? Are black people more easily offended than whites? And is it OK to use the N-word in a joking manner (the way Bill Maher did this week). Our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a poor bastard who got an invite to what he was told was a party, but turns out it was hell (easy mistake). And both of our biebers have to do with paper in our hands.

Also, they have black people in Iowa?

Direct download: 2017_06_03_0152.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:25pm PDT

Episode #151 of DXP begins with a voicemail from some joker who expects us to believe he just knows how to spell “sesquicentennial” (but the joke’s on him because Google search results). We then take a very confusing call about “the Game” and how we’ve not only lost it, but have caused countless others to lose it as well (including all of you, as you will discover forthwith). We spend a few moments mocking Trump, both for his leakage as well as for his praise of brutal dictators. We hear from a listener who suggests that the only way to see a ghost is to first believe in them, which causes us to wonder whether this works in the other direction as well (as in, does disbelieving in ghosts make them refuse to appear to you?). We end the show by talking about health care and mutually assured destruction (which sounds like a good idea, except Trump). Christian is biebered by outdated technology, while Jason is biebered by technology that keeps yelling at him.

Also, haha. “Leakage.”

Direct download: 2017_05_24_0151.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Our 150th episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail from some girl who’s begging for forgiveness for getting mad at Jason for calling girls “girls” (kidding aside, it was very sweet). We then open a package on the air that basically establishes our feminist street cred, after which we discuss what TV shows we’ve been watching (turns out, The Handmaid’s Tale is only “fiction” if Trump’s presidency ends real soon-like). We take a call about how we mitigate our fear of flying (hashtag, drugs), take another about whether believers are consistent about the whole total depravity thing, and then respond to another listener’s question about why Christian conservatives hate the “life” part of the Constitution’s thing about those inalienable rights our Creator supposedly endowed us all with. After our break we take another voice mail about whether ghosts are real, delving into the question of if there is more to us than our mere physical bodies, and if so, whether we can be visited from the great beyond. Jason is biebered by inconsistent menus, while Christian’s bieber has to do with ironically good acting.

Also, Blessed be the Fruit.

Direct download: 2017_05_21_0150.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:48am PDT

Episode #149 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail from a guy from the nicest nation on Earth, after which we briefly revisit the topic of hell (Jason thinks the idea that it is needed in order to keep people in line is mostly crap). We discuss the push-back over Christian thoughts on Artificial Intelligence, drawing from our vast knowledge of sci-fi films to set the record straight. We take a call about the healthcare debate, and then hear from a real-life Trump supporter who, as a white male (gasp!), thinks people need to stop being so sensitive and offended all the time. We hear from more listeners who bring up whether marriage is worth fighting for, whether sharing our personal beliefs is important, and why only our culture chooses the right animals to eat. Christian is biebered by the housing market, while Jason’s bieber focuses on ice.

Also, 4 year-olds with mustaches? Shudder.

Direct download: 2017_05_13_0149.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:21pm PDT

Episode #148 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with the usual banter, this time involving Christian coming out of the closet, whether we get drunk enough on the show, and a story from Jason about this old Indian with the most random bigotry ever. We take a couple calls that help us lay to rest the “girls” vs. “women” debate, after which we revisit the issue of hell (it’s been a while), and specifically whether our notion of justice demands some sort of system of retribution and rewards when all is said and done. We address the House’s recent “healthcare” bill and what supporting it says about a person (hint: they’re either evil or just dumb). Lastly, our “Dick Move, God” segment highlights the demise of a Father/Son business that initially showed such promise. Christian is biebered by some city that ancient Hebrews decimated, while Jason’s bieber has to do with having to finish the job that his server started.

Also, the frickin Irish, am I right? 

Direct download: 2017_05_06_0148.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:02pm PDT

We begin episode #147 of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a call from a slightly inebriated listener whom Christian inadvertently caused to have a very uncomfortable conversation with his grandmother. We correct the inventor of the gif on how to pronounce gif, and then hear from resident millennial snowflake “Dallas,” who displays sufficient contrition over misdefining butt-rock that we hereby absolve him. We then revisit (hopefully for the last time) the issue of referring to chicks as “girls” — in a nutshell, Jason responds to those who he feels criticized him too harshly, insisting that no, he doesn’t “hate women.” Then in a display of delicious irony, Christian spends the rest of the episode exhibiting the very hate that Jason is accused of. We spend a few moments congratulating ourselves on our grammar, and discuss Ann Coulter’s aborted speech at Berkeley. Christian is biebered by ingredients, while Jason’s bieber has to do with dieting.

Also, “colon-rock” is now a thing. Tell your friends.

Direct download: 2017_04_29_0147.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:31pm PDT

We begin our latest episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by noting a drastic change in Jason’s daughter and the discovery of Christian’s dead dog. We then take a call from an entitled millennial snowflake who presumes to correct us about the nature of butt-rock. We take the opportunity to school this whippersnapper and, by extension, his entire ill-informed Johnny-come-lately generation. This leads us into an unplanned discussion about the issue of nostalgia and whether it is a healthy indulgence or not. We take a call from a girl who challenges us, again, about whether it’s OK to call girls “girls” when in reality they’re full-grown girls. This leads us naturally into a breakdown of the North Korea situation, as well as a conversation about whether people on the Right are more tribal than those on the Left (they are). Finally, Christian is biebered by having gas. I mean, having to get gas.

Also, is that Freedom Rock? Well turn it up, man!

Direct download: 2017_04_22_0146.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:06pm PDT

This episode of DXP is fraught with attacks: against how we pronounce stuff, what we listen to, what we write, etc. But as with most prophets and sages, we understand that we are bound to be under-appreciated by our own unworthy generation, yet we soldier on. We take calls about mixing booze with brain injuries, about the nature of fundamentalism as it relates to our über-chaste vice president, and then we discuss the recent woes of everyone’s favorite airline. We discuss the evangelical insistence that American Christians are being persecuted, after which we hear from a listener who is ready to put down Jason’s book after only reading one chapter. Lastly, we discuss whether believing in hell keeps people from thinking outside the box. Our “Dick Move, God” segment teaches us that theft in the name of the Lord is just fine; Christian is biebered by thanksgiving even though it’s Easter, and Jason’s bieber has to do with thinking more people care about him than actually do.

Also, Buttrock. It’s totally a thing.

Direct download: 2017_04_15_0145.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

We begin episode #144 of Drunk Ex-Pastors by settling a long-brewing tech-related controversy (you’re welcome), after which we demonstrate just how secure we are by recommending our audience check out another podcast besides this one. We talk a bit about our concert experience the night before, which account takes a rather overt Shakespearian turn. We take callers’ questions about lying to our significant other, about height discrepancies in relationships, and about helping those who suffer. After our break we discuss Vice President Pence’s personal policy regarding sexual predators (read: women), and disagree somewhat on how we feel about it. Christian shares his Feeding Friendsy, which has to do with religious bubble-dwellers. Jason’s bieber focuses on ageism, while Christian is biebered by the five-oh.

Also, it’s weird how people who live in non-white countries are surrounded by minorities all the time, but seem totally fine with it.

Direct download: 2017_04_09_0144.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Episode #143 of DXP begins with a discussion of the pros and cons of online dating. We talk about whether the old stigmas still apply, how to handle a bad first impression, and whether it’s harder for men or for women. We discuss our TV watching habits, after which we take a call from a listener who asks whether there is a grand conspiracy on the part of the secular media to cover up the evidence for God’s existence, and if so, does that mean that atheistic scientists are dishonest and suppressing truths they know deep down are real? We delve into some personal territory involving issues like co-habitation, marriage, and to what degree children should affect our decisions on these matters. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment involves people who try to be openminded but can’t, and this week’s “Dick Move, God” introduces us to a guy who can’t help but feel he has been cruelly toyed with his whole life. Christian is biebered by climate change advocates and deniers, while Jason’s bieber involves having too many friends.

Also, never draw attention to a black man by following him around screaming about his race.

Direct download: 2017_04_02_0143.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Episode #142 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a listener’s suggestion about a DXP pub meet-up, to which we respond by reminding everyone that in January we will be on a floating pub in the Caribbean Sea (also known as a “cruise ship”) and everyone’s invited. We then turn to spiritual themes, discussing whether prayer works, whether staying evangelical is worth it, and why God constantly tries to make us all atheists by pretending he doesn’t exist. Our Feeding Friendsy segment will almost make you want to start reading your Bible again; Jason is biebered by silence, while Christian’s bieber has to do with people who don’t suck enough.

Also, you have a 3-minute limit for voice mails. It’s not that hard.

Direct download: 2017_03_26_0142.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:46pm PDT

This episode of DXP begins with a caller ranting about how the earth is supposedly round, after which we announce that the DXP Cruise is actually happening! (Details provided.) We take a voicemail about unity coexisting with diversity, and then revisit our thought experiment about whether, in the face of some apocalyptic worldwide tragedy, the evidence for religion would eventually emerge the way scientific evidence would. We take another call that challenges Jason about whether he is just a deist, after which we get to our biebers: Jason is annoyed by what happens after he sits down, and Christian is biebered by having to be a grower.

Also, being a physics teacher at a Christian school sounds awesome.

Direct download: 2017_03_19_0141.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:50pm PDT

After beginning episode #140 with the realization that we may soon be receiving a human body part in the mail, we revisit (hopefully for the last time) the fact that there are “roundearthers” out there who actually deny that our planet is flat (people will believe just about anything it seems). We then discuss a listener’s challenge about whether or not both theists and atheists stack the deck against their opponents, after which we weigh in on the so-called “power of prayer” (does it help, and if not are we just doing it wrong?). This segues into the issue of comforting those who suffer, and the good and bad ways of doing that. Our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a man whose daughter *wasn’t* killed in a religious war but who wishes she had been, and Christian’s bieber involves wanting more bodily fluids to be emitted on TV, while Jason’s has to do with the antiquated issue of long-distance charges.

Also, they send us a toe we’re supposed to shit ourselves with fear.

Direct download: 2017_03_11_0140.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:25pm PDT

We begin this episode of DXP with the admission that it is possible, albeit unlikely, that the earth is flat. We then delve into the issue of taking the Lord’s Name in vain, which that sentence may have done, after which we heal a listener’s marriage by explaining how to pronounce Feb-you-ary. We take a call about Christian’s agnosticism, which leads into a discussion about whether knowing stuff is overrated or not. After our break we embark on a lighthearted romp through the not-thorny-at-all issue of what actually constitutes pedophilia. We anticipate blowback on this. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” tackles the issue of whether Bernie Sanders wants The Islamic States of America, and he is biebered by having to sign his name so often.

Also, Milo is still a piece of shit.

Direct download: 2017_0305_0139.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:47pm PDT

We’re not gonna lie, our #138th episode of DXP is quite voicemail-heavy (Hey, lay off. We had been fighting. Plus, we love hearing from our peoples). We begin with a brief Trump voicemail and then move on toward ANOTHER nitpicky piece of crap reminder that Jason doesn’t know how to pronounce things. Christian is corrected about his fallacious views about Einstein, while another caller expresses heartfelt and poignant opinions about WTF? Some NBA player named after a Mr. Mister song? We address playing the piano, eating at Subway, and then hear from an honest-to-goodness therapist who weighs in on whether last week’s discussion about vulnerability was correct or not (although she may be hiding behind an attachment disorder due to unresolved daddy issues, we’re not sure). We revisit Milo Yiannopoulos very briefly, after which we launch into our “Feeding Friendsy” and “Dick Move, God” segments (Hitler was not a socialist, and gay rapists and virgin daughters don’t mix). Christian is biebered by small spaces, while Jason is biebered by Hollywood trying to be too Christian.

Also, if you’re a fan of our Lord, don’t name your baby after Him.

Direct download: 2017_02_24_0138.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:03pm PDT

Podcast #137: The One with No Trump and Tons of Therapy

Episode #137 begins with a listener’s challenge to go an entire show without mentioning D*n*ld Tr*mp, and believe it or not, we succeeded! We then reveal a bit about a new project we will soon embark upon (hint: it’s pretty much the best gift idea, like, EVER). We talk a bit about the nature of our discussions IRL and how they differ from those on the air, as well as about the value of constantly second-guessing ourselves. After our break we delve into mutual examination mode, with Christian diagnosing Jason as having jealousy and anger issues, and Jason diagnosing Christian as disproportionately desiring certainty in relationships. We spend a few minutes talking about Milo Yiannopoulos and whether people like him are even worth engaging, after which we share our biebers (Christian’s is about retirement funds, while Jason’s is about overly-excited audiences).

Also, Christian finished a whole book for the first time in years, in a single day! You’ll never guess who the author was….

Direct download: 2017_02_19_0137.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #136: Piano, the Holocaust, and Twitter

Episode #136 begins with a caller’s attempt to put Jason in a moral dilemma, which fails because he doesn’t really pay attention to morals all that much. We then get marriage advice from a well-meaning listener and somehow find ourselves on a rabbit trail pertaining to the relationship between music and language. We weigh in on the current refugee crisis and tackle the conspiracy theory about Obama seeking to sabotage Trump (while kitesurfing in the Caribbean, apparently). We then heed the solemn warnings of the Holocaust Museum which basically call Trump Hitler 2.0. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” segment focuses on our president’s Twitter account, and meanwhile Jason is biebered by crap music producers, while Christian shares a listener’s bieber about traffic signals.

Also, just because Christian won’t gaymarry Jason, if Ryan Gosling were available then all bets may be off…

Direct download: 2017_02_11_0136.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 7:57pm PDT

Podcast #135: Trump and Christianity

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a feel-good voicemail, and then we introduce our new venture, the DXP Mediacast (hint, watch the movie About Time. Then watch Chef). We spend some time breaking down the poignant and thoughtful words of our new president at the National Prayer Breakfast, after which we take a caller’s question about whether being religious necessarily includes being an elitist. A listener’s call causes us to wonder if Trump is himself the greatest prophylactic ever invented, and another caller wants to know how to navigate a relationship in which the two partners can’t agree on spiritual matters. We discuss Trump’s “travel ban,” which segues into a larger discussion of whether anything the president does comports with anything resembling Christianity. Lastly, we discuss whether it’s fair for Christian leaders to whine about being persecuted when the government actually singles them out for special financial favors. Jason is biebered by people’s irrational brand loyalty.

Also, Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” will make you really mad. Just saying.

Direct download: 2017_02_02_0135.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:28pm PDT

Podcast #134: Peter Rollins

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we welcome to the studio philosopher and theologian Peter Rollins, after whose Lucky Charms they always are. We discuss everything from Radical Theology to La La Land, tackling such topics as whether any of us truly knows what we believe, and whether atheism vs. theism is a false dichotomy (and on that note, you’ll be surprised to hear which one of us Pete thinks believes in God the most). Pete’s background in psychoanalysis will surely make everyone who listens feel like they’ve had a therapy session, and his accent will make you wonder if he has in fact met Bono.

Also, Pete is biebered by biebers.

Direct download: 2017_01_22_0134.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #133: Films and Friendship

In an episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors that is filled with rabbit trails and red herrings, we begin by being read the riot act by some nature lover with an obvious canyon fetish, and then we are gently told by another caller that we may need to up our game or risk starvation and poverty. We take another voicemail urging us to do more movie reviews, which prompts us to divulge another one of our future plans that probably won’t come to fruition (Hashtag, DXPCruise). We follow up a bit on the topic of minimalism, and then take a tear-jerker of a call about how unique our friendship apparently is. We discuss a recent study that suggests that Trump voters are in fact as horrible as we suspected they were, after which we launch into our Feeding Friendsy segment which is both about, and elicits, eyerolls. Jason is biebered by standing in line, while Christian’s bieber has to do with proper chair protocol.

Also, I swallowed a bug.

Direct download: 2017_01_18_0133.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #132: Minimalism and Blackmail

This episode begins with a quick debrief of our “Catholic Lesbian” interview and then segues into a discussion of the Netflix documentary Minimalism, which left Christian wondering whether it was naïve and Jason wondering why more followers of that homeless Jewish carpenter aren’t on board with the idea. We discuss the Golden Globes and La La Land in particular, debating just how depressed the film was intended to make us. We then spend some time breaking down Meryl Streep’s acceptance speech, considering what the next four years will look like with a childish bully in the White House. We then spend some time sifting through the latest reports concerning whether Trump is being blackmailed by Russia and what, if anything, this has to do with prostitutes and urine (turns out, very little). But nothing would surprise us at this point!

Also, relevant celevbrity opinions: an oxymoron?

Direct download: 2017_01_10_0132.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #130: New Year’s, Celebrity Deaths, and the Meaning of Life

We begin our New Year’s episode of DXP with a look back at 2016 in all its glory and shame, with Christian taking the blame for how bad this last year treated so many people. We then reflect a bit on the death of Carrie Fisher, springboarding to the issue of celebrity deaths in general and whether mourning the passing of people we don’t really know is pathetic or legit. We take a call about whether difficulty and trial produce better quality satire and music, and if so, whether this may be silver lining around the dark cloud of a future Trump presidency. Another caller schools Jason on the topic of evolution (how hard can it be? Fish  Monkey  Man, right?). We then squeeze in one final caller whose question focuses on the simple matter of the meaning of life. Christian is biebered by people’s self-obliviousness on TV, while Jason’s bieber focuses on people looking better than they should.

Also, suck it, 2016. Your time is over.

Direct download: 2016_12_30_0130.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #129: Happy Birthday, Jesus!

Our Christmas episode begins, appropriately enough, with an uplifting breakdown of the story of Rudolph, a tale about a bunch of proto-Nazis whose demand for hegemony is outweighed only by their cold heartless pragmatism (who knew?). We then reminisce about how rad the ‘80s were, what with the whole Cold War and whatnot. We then take a few calls about religion: Do our bad deeds really make us hell-worthy? Do you have to confess every last sin we commit? And would we prefer God *not* to exist, and if he didn’t, what would we do? Our “Feeding Friendsy” highlights the irony of feminists for Trump, while our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a man who’s both “after God’s own heart” as well as after the king’s hot daughter, and he’s got a sack of wiener-bits to prove it. Christian is biebered by unwanted residue clouding his eyesight, while Jason’s bieber reveals how envious he is of celebrities.

Also, the Island of Misfit Toys is a metaphor for Auschwitz. Seriously.

Direct download: 2016_12_24_0129.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:24pm PDT

Podcast #128: Will the Real Antichrist Please Stand up?

Episode #128 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a criticism of our duet of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” that is not homophobic at all. We then share our opinions about HBO’s series Westworld, which recently wrapped up its first season (Jason had some issues with it, but we agreed that it ended with probably the coolest song ever), and Christian changes his tune on Love (the TV show, not the actual thing itself). We take a call on the topic of sleep paralysis and relate it to the biblical phenomenon of demon possession, and then revisit the topic of ranked voting and whether it could have spared us a Trump presidency. We spend a good portion of time pulling our hair out, metaphorically, while listening to a certain infamous televangelist explain how Donald Trump, far from being the antichrist, may in fact be the real Christ instead. Which is weird. Christian’s bieber has to do with people emerging from forests to kill you, while Jason is biebered by constantly being marketed to when he’s not expecting it.

Also, last we checked Donald Trump isn’t the Son of David.

Direct download: 2016_12_14_0128.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:24pm PDT

Podcast #127: Magic, Millennials, and Movies in Heaven

Episode #127 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a description of perhaps the most harrowing dream ever, after which we consider a conservative prophet’s doomsday deadline for Obama to finally accomplish the insidious plans he’s been hatching for the last eight years. We discuss whether David Blaine is a master illusionist, fraud, or minion of the underworld. We take voicemails from a Millennial listener about the financial challenges her generation faces, another about whether heaven will suck because there’ll be no Netflix or weed, and still another about whether marriage just gets in the way of true love. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” asks whether God needs to be dictated to, prayer-wise, and Jason’s “Dick Move, God” segment demonstrates just how far the Lord will go to pull off an object lesson. Christian is biebered by dubious clickbait math, while Jason’s bieber has to do with (you guessed it) fixing what ain’t broke.

Also, Slenderman meets the Ring girl who crawled out of that well? Just peed myself….

Direct download: 2016_12_10_0127.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #126: Keep Christ in Xmas

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with voicemails from a drunk biologist and a whiskey enthusiast and continues with a caller’s challenge to Christian about whether he is raising fratboy Trump enthusiasts. We take more calls about the propriety of third-party voting and what it’s like to be a politically conservative DXP fan, after which we discuss our president-elect’s opinion on the punishment for flag-burning (hint: it’s completely ignorant and unconstitutional). We follow up a up bit on our discussion about divorce from out last episode, after which we turn our attention to Dennis Prager’s whining about losing the culture war by not hearing enough about Jesus at Xmas time, even though the people who really love Jesus have traditionally hated Prager’s people for being Christ-killers. Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s failure at escape techniques, while Jason is biebered by how his body defies all the rules of science, and not in a good way.

Also, Merry Kwanzaa everyone!

Direct download: 2016_12_01_0126.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:44pm PDT

Podcast #125: Gen X-ers & Millennials, Love & Marriage

This is the episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors that probably shouldn’t have been made—It was recorded on our second Thanksgiving (celebrated on Friday), we had both been drinking for like ten hours, and it was unclear whether we were even recording that day at all. But as the saying goes, the show must go on. So we threw caution to the wind and, without an outline, our usual segments, or any pre-selected voicemails, we sat down and produced 90+ minutes of material of questionable quality (Hey, it’s two friends drinking and talking, remember?). We began by subcontracting out the intro-banter duties, and then discussed our favorite reality show, which segued into whether the differences between the various “generations” are real or made up. We then talk about Trump for a little bit (because it’s way too hard not to), but spent the bulk of our time discussing a voicemail from a listener who is recently divorced. We springboarded into issues such as why humans marry in the first place, whether we are hardwired for monogamy, and whether there should be a legal marrying age like there is for drinking. Finally, we take a call from some douchebag who claims we suck at science. And Christian is biebered by the rules regarding creepily stalking people.

Also, we’ll try harder next time. Promise.

Direct download: 2016_11_25_0125.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:58pm PDT

Podcast #124: Two Words: Paula. Ticks.

This episode of DXP focuses pretty much exclusively on politics (which, we realize, isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But look at the bright side: When civilization as we know it ends in a year or two, none of you will have to worry about podcasts anymore. Or tea. Or cups. Or anything.). We take a voicemail about third party voting and another about the electoral college (about which we have modified our stance somewhat, because math). We then tackle the seeming false equivalency regarding left- and right-wing fearmongering. Our attention then turns to whether Trump is truly “draining the swamp” as he claimed to do, after which we take a chilling stroll through our president-elect’s possible cabinet appointments. We then ponder why evangelical Christians basically put Trump in office despite his being almost as unlike Christ as Satan. Christian is Feeding Friendsied by ignorance concerning what constitutes a scientific theory, while Jason is biebered by having to touch everyone’s food with his filthy hands.

Also, Happy Genocide Day everyone!

Direct download: 2016_11_19_0124.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:00am PDT

Podcast #123: Thank God We Are White, Straight Males

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail from a listener who realizes he probably singlehandedly got Trump elected and then segues into a clarification from one of our Asian listeners about how guys can be bald but still super hot. We take a voicemail from perhaps the gayest dude EVER, and then revisit how deal-breakingly off-the-table male birth control should be since it potentially affects our mood and may cause acne and slight discomfort. Before our break we take an uncharacteristic position on the Electoral College issue. We then hear from Dick Bush, who causes us to address the issue of president Trump and what the next four years could potentially bring. Christian’s Feeding Friendsy brings up how violent and intolerant the Left supposedly is, and Jason is biebered by the water-habits of people on the small and silver screens.

Also, just breathe. It’s gonna be OK. Probably....

Direct download: 2016_11_11_0123.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:27pm PDT

Podcast #122: There’s Nothing to Fear But Trump Itself

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a couple aborted attempts by a listener at leaving us a voicemail, after which we do a shot of something so vile that one of the DXPs almost defiles a wastebasket. We take another call that confirms the fears of virtually all anti-pot people (the dude was “on a mountain” in more ways than one). Jason is challenged on his cavalier attitude toward a possible Trump presidency, and the subject of male birth control is debated: Is the resistance to it among men due to their simply being weaker than women? The conversation takes many turns, any of which will possibly piss off hundreds of people. We take another call about whether the practice of rating women on a scale from 1 – 10 contributes to rape culture, but the call wasn’t even from a hot chick so we pay it as little attention as possible. Our “Dick Move, God” segment makes its triumphant return, focusing on sliced up wieners and the price a man pays for rape (50 shekels, which is pretty darn steep is you ask us). Christian is biebered by what happens after a man pees in a public restroom, while Jason’s bieber concerns (gasp!) the parking of cars.

Also, can a white woman get diarrhea on TV for once, please?

Direct download: 2016_11_03_0122.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #121: Trump/Jay Z 2016: Make America Vile Again!

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail from an Asian that isn’t even that boring. Jason then complains (again) about being a casino valet, while Christian displays a measure of actual happiness. Christian laments the new direction his Xfinity internet provider is taking, and then we take a call from a southern listener about what it’s like to find one’s self in the “in-between” stage between one set of beliefs and another. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment tackles the thorny issue of whether rappers need to rise to the chivalric level of  presidential candidates, and we give like ten seconds’ worth of our attention to Pat Robertson before immediately regretting it. Christian is biebered by the best laid plans of screenwriters and men, while Jason’s bieber has to do with the false effects of daydreaming.

Also, do blonde conservative news anchors get less hot the more they talk?

Direct download: 2016_10_25_0121.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:55pm PDT

Podcast #120: Women’s Suffrage, Asians, The South, Racism, Bigotry, Email Servers, Late-Term Abortion, Hillary vs Trump, Obama vs Putin, Passing Out, Tying Ties, and Anything Else You Can Think Of

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a delightful ditty performed by one of our female listeners, and continues with a discussion of why we ever gave those females a voice in the first place. We then introduce a new and surely ill-conceived segment titled “Zat Racist?” in which we seek to convince ourselves that we’re not horrible bigots (and are remarkably successful in the attempt). Jason shares another one of his oversimplifications about how two seemingly unrelated things are in fact pretty much the same, all based on the slimmest amount of actual evidence. We delve a bit into the whole “email controversy” and whether Hillary’s scandals compare to her husband’s. After our break we discuss abortion, and specifically whether the rhetoric on both sides is fair or intentionally misleading (as in, is the issue really about “choice”? And does Hillary really advocate stabbing a baby with a fork as it slides out the vag?) Christian breaks down the Right’s contrast of Obama and Putin (the latter of whom, apparently, is awesome), and Jason explains how Karmic Jesus punishes his co-valets for not giving him what he wants. Christian’s bieber has to do with people waking up from fainting at inconvenient times, while Jason is biebered by one of women’s apparently universal skills.

Also: No hard feelings, Asia. We good, right?

Direct download: 2016_10_22_0120.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 12:43am PDT

Podcast #119: GOP: The “Grab Our Pussies” Party

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a caller’s accusation that one of us has become too big for his literary britches. We then hear from one of our favorite fans who shares a bit about his family’s struggle and that, somehow or another, our podcast actually helps him cope. We revisit the issue of overprotective fathers, after which we are forced to reckon with the notion that one of us may be smarter than the other (but now that we’ve had some time to consider it, we agree that we are completely equal in every way (wink)). Jason is unwillingly coerced into defending his religion a little bit, and Christian weighs in on a question about whether people should be proud of stuff they didn’t actually work to accomplish (like being American. Or gay). Things turn a little political after the break and we discuss how to be classy and presidential while just grabbing people’s pussies. Christian’s bieber is about everything getting worse, while Jason’s focuses on pizza and ice cream.

Also, has Jason mentioned that he wrote a book lately

Direct download: 2016_10_15_0119.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:52pm PDT

Podcast #118: Churches, Christians, and Valet Parking

Episode #118 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail about a bodily function that one of us may or may not have exhibited and then continues with a caller’s request for an explanation of why there are so many Christian denominations. Jason then shares some stories about the various hijinks and tomfoolery that valets engage in when they think no one is watching (but when there are 700 cameras being used, someone always is). We discuss the connection between Pentecostalism and the prosperity gospel and then tackle the issue of whether God can be judged by what assholes his followers can be. We take voicemails about protesting injustice and the recent comments by Rudy Giuliani, and then conclude with our biebers. Christian’s has to do with his apparently not caring how many babydaddies his daughter ends up having, while Jason’s results from having so much ADD that he can’t even pay attention during a two-minute movie trailer.

Also, those Buddhist monks protesting the Vietnam War were really onto something.

Direct download: 2016_10_04_0118.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:54pm PDT

Podcast #117: Does It Matter if God Exists?

This episode of DXP begins with a caller’s example of situational irony which may or may not make one of us feel like the butt of some cruel cosmic joke. We delve into the issue of whether fictional universes overlap (as in, did Jack Ryan ever watch Star Wars?), and then hear once again from our Tinder-using listener, gaining more insight into the world of online dating. We take another voicemail which springboards us into our main topic, which turns out to be whether the whole theism/atheism issue is all just a big overblown misunderstanding. Like, does dogma trump devotion and does law supersede love? We briefly discuss our former church, Calvary Chapel, and whether the alleged affair of its founding pastor was a scandalous deal-breaker or an opportunity for humanity and grace. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” centers on the Christian Right’s support of Donald Trump, and Jason shares some stories about how valets might potentially retaliate against non-tipping patrons. One of our biebers has to do with the logistics or morning intimacy, while the other focuses on supposed national tragedy.

Also, if Jason Bourne ever saw Good Will Hunting we bet he would have thought it was awesome.

Direct download: 2016_09_30_0117.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #116: Irony, Stabbings, and Trusting God

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with yet another caller berating us about our ignorance about science, only this one comes from the most famous cosmologist alive. Christian then provides us with a well-studied and non-ironic lesson about irony, after which Jason gets some well-deserved props for his mockery of the South. We take several more calls leading us into such topics as whether mass stabbings are music to the NRA’s ears, whether doubt on the part of an evangelical leader will get him fired, and whether trusting in god is really any different from betting your bottom dollar that the sun’ll come out tomorrow. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” tackles the utterly disastrous effects of the Obama presidency. Jason is biebered by unnecessary improvements to things, while Christian’s bieber involves feigned outrage over perfectly reasonable insults of certain kinds of people.

Also, if you’d like to leave a voicemail, give us a call at 21-397D-RUN-K.

Direct download: 2016_09_23_0116.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 8:43pm PDT

Podcast #115: Space Travel, Human Filth, and “Science”

Episode #115 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voice mail involving a Tinder date and a potentially profitable bowel movement, after which Jason is given the chance to clarify whether he hates rich people because they’re horrible, or simply because they’re rich. We again are forced to reiterate our complete mistrust of “science,” and then receive some encouragement about our continual use of movie quotes as well as being scolded for missing an obvious one. A listener challenges Jason’s assertion that his generation invented irony, and another caller causes Christian to explain the Fermi Paradox (we think it’s about those stuffed owl-hamster things from the Nineties). We are then asked by another listener (a guy, or a girl, we don’t remember) about whether we ever bother thinking about who our audience is (we do, as we explained to whoever it was who asked). Lastly, Jason relays what it is like to peer into a person’s soul by means of parking their automobile. Christian is biebered by Facebook trends, while Jason’s bieber involves the HR department.

Also, Donny Don & the Funky Bunch were the BEST.

Direct download: 2016_09_17_0115.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #114: Irony and Openness

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we revisit the issue of whether we ought to be as skeptical about scientific claims as we are, after which we finally put the “better to have loved and lost” issue to bed. Jason shares some thoughts on the issue of irony and how it didn’t exist until his own generation got all cynical and jaded. We then take a call about depression and how ineffective slogans are to help with it (plus, slogans are a dime a dozen anyway). After our break, we discuss the issue of what continually discovering new music has to say about the state of a person’s soul (as in, is one’s media consumption a microcosm that reveals how open- or closed-minded he is?). Christian is biebered by everyday pleasantries, while Jason’s bieber has to do with not caring how disappointed people are with things.

Also, a T-shirt that says “G’Day, Mate”? Seriously?

Direct download: 2016_09_09_0114.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #113: O Colin, Can You See?

This episode of DXP is light on serious content but heavy on verse, so if you’re uncomfortable with two grown men taking turns citing poetry back and forth, best to move along. Before we get to that, however, we reminisce about the hard-hitting episodes of our favorite ‘80s TV shows and take a voice mail about Alfred Lloyd Tennyson. We then commiserate with another caller about the worst (or most awesome) excuse to cut a date short. We take some time to discuss the controversial actions of Colin Kaepernick, a man so unpatriotic he has the audacity to protest authority and the abuse of power (the founding fathers would be so ashamed). Our “Dick Move, God” segment explores the plight of a woman pimped out then cast aside (by another woman, no less), and Christian’s bieber involves a lot of math, while Jason’s demonstrates that he watches too many movies.

Also, only Hank Moody can reference fingerbanging a cat and it be funny.

Direct download: 2016_08_31_0113.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #112: All You Need is Love

This episode of DXP begins with a caller’s suggestion about Jason’s comic book alter ego, after which we address the emotional rollercoaster ride that is our Patreon pledges. We answer some listeners’ questions about Seattle and Satanism, and then segue into the danger of listening to the devil’s music. We then turn to our main topic of love, dating, and heartbreak, addressing such issues as “Is the dating scene really that depressing?”; “Is love worth the oft-ensuing pain it causes?”; and “Does fighting for a relationship equal weakness, and does that matter?” Speaking of love, Christian is biebered by trite platitudes concerning it, while Jason’s bieber is about people getting wet.

Also, if you think this show is scandalous and irreligious, you should listen to it backwards.

Direct download: 2016_08_26_0112.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #111: Johnny Scissorhands

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin by reminding everyone that football season is right around the corner, furnishing Cam Newton with endless possibilities for being a complete tool. We commiserate over our most generous patron turning out to be a sham, and then tackle a caller’s question about how to be right when everyone around us is wrong. We revisit Satanism and discuss the writing of sinister messages in one’s own blood (but enough about Johnny Depp). We address Rudy Giuliani’s creative approach to statistics and Trump’s fatwah against Hillary, and then weigh in on how much, exactly, Gabby Douglas hates America. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” questions just how many Constitutional Amendments will be left after Hillary gets into power, and Jason’s “Dick Move, God” segment pours a swallow of malt liquor onto the ground for all those who lost their lives because their great-great grandfathers hated Yahweh. Christian is biebered by having to show restraint, and Jason’s bieber has to do with Geico’s lies.

Also, Christian actually likes something this week! It’s just a song, but baby steps.

Direct download: 2016_08_15_0111.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #110: Sexism and the Olympics

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail leading to our resolving, for serious this time, to finally schedule a DXP cruise. After a shot of Hornitos we take a voicemail suggesting we start doing movie reviews, another pointing out what an uninvolved father Jason is, and still another from a guy asking for tips for his devotional trip through the Satanic Bible. We discuss WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s recent release of the DNC’s emails, and then weigh recent claims that the network’s coverage of the Olympics has been sexist toward broads. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” focuses on whether Trump’s promises to deport some people and nuke others is really all that worrisome, and Jason’s “Livin’ Lodge” segment introduces us to perhaps the most entitled douche ever. Christian’s bieber focuses on the proper way to stalk pedestrians, while Jason is biebered by promises that he’ll save 15% of more on car insurance.

Also, that Turkoman Warrior person? Damn.

Direct download: 2016_08_13_0110.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #109: Postmodern Polygamy

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin by being reminded of how many babies have “slid out of vaginas” since we’ve been born, and we then compare comic book fans to Trump voters. We take a helpful call with tips for how Jason can write a bestseller, and then spend way more time than expected discussing the relation between postmodernism and man-buns. We explore the issue of how good an actor Bradley Cooper must be to have to convince Republicans that he’s not actually that sniper guy who died, and then weigh in on Utah’s newest Polygamy and Incest Society. Jason’s bieber has to do with inner compasses, while Christian is biebered by Vegas’s ladies of the night.

Also, sorry for not finishing Christian’s Vegas story after the break. #Alcohol

Direct download: 2016_08_07_0109.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:43pm PDT

Podcast #108: A Kinder, Gentler Calvary Chapel?

This episode of DXP begins on a bad note (something involving a caller telling us how hellbound and sinister we are), after which we consider how ironic Trump’s running mate is for decrying name-calling (he’s such a moron). Jason reveals what’s next for his career, after which we discuss whether Bernie ever really felt the Bern. We share our thoughts on the new Tony Robbins documentary, and another caller offers us a devilish deal that’s too good to pass up. We turn our attention to our former church, Calvary Chapel, and discuss whether they’re going liberal (and whether that’s actually a good thing). Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” is hard to narrow down, and his bieber involves TV violence, while Jason is biebered by people who don’t look where he is pointing.

Also, we’re totally open to a Date with Destiny.

Direct download: 2016_07_30_0108.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #107: Caring Capitalists and Selfish Socialists

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail reminding us how annoyed people get when we have feelings. We then tackle the issue of what does and does not constitute a spoiler (and what the statute of limitations on spoiling stories is). After revisiting the Pokémon Go craze we spend some time being annoyed with Dennis Prager’s comparison of capitalism and socialism (you’ll never guess which one makes people selfishly want to capitalize [ahem] on the weakness of others). Jason gives us an update on his book and in so doing discusses the issues of smug certainty vs. agnosticism. In our “Feeding Friendsy” segment Christian explains why Jesus hates black people, and our “Dick Move, God” portion of the show features a young man whose relationship with his father has become a tad strained of late (can’t figure out why). Christian is biebered by elevator etiquette, while Jason’s bieber involves the nocturnal goings-on in the homes of TV families.

Also, we’ve read to the end of Game of Thrones, and the White Walkers totally win.

Direct download: 2016_07_22_0107.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:59pm PDT

Podcast #106: Suffering, Significance, and Pokémon Go

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with  our talking about what we’re not going to talk about, which is all the depressing crap going on in the world (so instead we discuss other, equally depressing, topics happening right here at home). We take a call about the implications of recovering from brain damage to the issue of whether we have a mind and a soul, and then segue into the topic of which TV shows and movies we like to watch with our kids. After a brief story from Christian about several near-deaths at Danny DeVito’s house and a few moments mocking Pokémon Go, Jason launches into his “Livin’ Lodge” and “Dick Move, God” segments (the latter of which demonstrates the lengths to which God will go to defend traditional marriage). Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s laziness, while Jason’s bieber causes him to call into question his own originality.

Also, can we get you some Pine Sol with your lemonade

Direct download: 2016_07_16_0106.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #105: ‘Merica, F**k Yeah!

We begin this Fourth of July episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by revisiting the question of whether the shrill, poorly-dressed, and not-even-that-hot presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is treated unfairly because she’s a woman (while Donald Trump apparently faces no media scrutiny whatsoever). We then address the topic of violent intervention in global conflicts (as in, should America do this because it is the right thing to do, or just keep doing it only when it is profitable?). After our mid-show break we continue with the theme of patriotism by discussing such topics as colonization, the Tea Party, and Brexit/Texit (yes please to the latter): Is some measure of civil authority necessary? What about spiritual authority? Where does it end? And is patriotism healthy or kind of chilling? And finally, our “Feeding Friendsy” segment reminds us how reliant on the Bible George Washington would have thought America to be if he had actually said all the stuff that’s attributed to him by the Internet.

Also, as soon as Texas secedes we should build the most ironic wall ever along its northern border.

Direct download: 2016_07_07_0105.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #104: Daddy Issues and Marriage Proposals

In another episode of DXP that neither of us was in the mood for, we wax a bit personal and answer a caller’s question about the various father-figures in our lives (Jason’s will SHOCK you), and then address another listener’s suggestion that the reason Hillary is garnering such scrutiny is that she has a vagina. We briefly revisit the topic of protecting ourselves against the evil gub-mint, after which we introduce a new segment called “Livin’ Lodge,” during which (tipping his hat to his car lot days) Jason tells stories about the crazy goings-on at the Salish Lodge and Spa. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” reflects on the wisdom of Honest Abe, while our “Dick Move, God” segment explores the depths of wickedness on the part of antediluvian natives of South America. Christian’s bieber focuses on the overly hushed tones of actors, while Jason is biebered by bedtime attire.

Also, our podcast title this time is anything but mere exaggeration.

Direct download: 2016_07_01_0104.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #103: The Holocaust, and Other Minor Missteps

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we explore whether Hillary actually does have a better shot of beating Trump than Bernie did (could a self-proclaimed socialist with *that* hairstyle really ever be a U.S. President?). We then take a listener’s call about whether, if Universalism is true, religion has any point. Christian then defends his position on guns to a caller who thinks it’s just ridiculous, after which we discuss whether there should be a statute of limitations of crimes like, I don’t know, murdering 8 million Jews. Our “Dick Move, God” segment is finally back, in which we meet a man who should have known better than to instinctively try to stop something valuable from being damaged (a mistake he’ll never make again, mainly because he got killed for making it the first time). Christian is biebered by restaurant communism, while Jason’s bieber has to do with how not to catch a serial killer.

Also, who would have thought that Germany would be criticized for not punishing people enough?

Direct download: 2016_06_25_0103.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #102: Sexy Schoolgirls

We kick off this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a voicemail about how fugly we apparently are, and then we officially put an end to the discussion over baby-soul popsicles. A listener takes us to task over our insistence that the Obama administration was scandal-free, which springboards into a discussion about what, exactly, constitutes a scandal (does it have to be sexual? Illegal? Both?). Another caller laments the fact that none of her Christian friends paid any attention to her until she decided to leave Team Jesus, which invites the question of whether they really cared about her in the first place. We take a call about the supposed double standard when it comes to school dress codes, and then bring on our very own private investigator to file an in-depth report on the topic from the front lines of Chief Kanim Middle School. And lastly, we weigh in on the Orlando massacre, although at this point what more is there to say? You can’t make a Second Amendment omelette without brutally slaughtering a few gay eggs.

Also, don’t be flashing that collarbone and expect not to get raped.

Direct download: 2016_06_18_0102.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #101: Ice Ice Baby

In this episode of DXP we spend time considering the age-old question, “If you freeze a baby and then thaw it out, where did its soul go?” Well OK, it may have been a bit more sophisticated than that (as in, in cases of frozen embryos or near-death experiences, does the absence of heart- and brain activity prove that souls don’t exist? And if so, is abortion moral?). Then turn our attention to Hillary’s defeat of Bernie for the Democratic nomination (cough***rigged!***cough) and debate just how democratic this Democratic Republic of ours really is. After our break we weigh in on the Brock Turner rape case, covering such topics as consent, sexual ethics, and involuntary castration.

Also, did we mention he should be castrated? Because he totally should be castrated. For real.

Direct download: 2016_06_09_0101.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

We’re not gonna lie, in our 100th episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we allow ourselves to get more a bit sentimental than we usually do (this may or may not have to do with our being, umm, more “in our cups” than usual as well). But hey, we all love a celebration, and we begin this show by allowing our listeners to celebrate with us and let us know what DXP has meant to them (culminating with our patron saint, Dick Bush, listing off the ways becoming “agnostical” has benefitted him in his personal life). But the mushy stuff eventually ceases and we move on to the cheery topics of killing preemies and primates, so there’s something for everyone. Concerning the former, we piggyback on last episode’s discussion of abortion, discussing whether the term “murder” is really fair to describe the procedure. And concerning the latter, how hard is it to design a gorilla cage that a toddler can’t infiltrate? Seriously.

Also, thanks for a great couple years, everyone. We love you all!

Direct download: 2016_06_03_0100.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #99: Having the Choice to Choose Life

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin with a discussion about how we can have discussions (in other words, how it is that a Catholic and agnostic can be as civil as we are to one another), after which we share some thoughts about the ever-narrowing field of presidential candidates. A caller asks us for our honest opinion about homeschooling, as in, is it just a tool for religious segregation or does it have some positive benefits as well? Another caller suggests that we have never really dealt with the issue of abortion and asks us to weigh in on it, which we do, leading to some disagreements as well as to suggestions on how the topic can be handled less inflammatorily by people on both sides of the aisle. And finally, our Feeding Friendsy segment exposes us to God’s final warning against America which, apparently, he spends significant time thinking about (you know, because the USA is at the center of both the universe as well as God’s redemptive plan for all people everywhere. Geez, ethnocentrism can be a serious pain in the ass).

Also, “Immigrants!”

Direct download: 2016_05_25_0099.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:04pm PDT

Podcast #98: Blurred Lines and Boobies

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we revisit the topic of cultural misappropriation, discussing how dope it is when white people use black lingo, fo shizzle. We springboard from the legitimate connection between mental ill-health and mass shootings to the illegitimate way people of a certain political persuasion use that fact (*cough*Republicans*cough*), and then take a caller’s question about why evangelicals stopped hating Mormons all of a sudden (what a waste, they were such easy targets). We then turn our attention to the sad plight of holocaust survivor Emily Ratajkowski—wait, did we say “holocaust survivor”? We meant incredibly beautiful millionaire model who STILL hasn’t won on Oscar despite being 24 years old and having had supporting roles in two whole movies (don’t laugh, it’s hard for her!). We weigh in on Barry Bonds’s charge of racism toward rich white kids who act black, which is straight-up whack, and then consider what it might be like to have a President whose spouse totally has orgies with sex slaves (true story). Our “Dick Move, God” segment teaches us that it’s OK to stab your kids if it gets you off the hook for lying, and finally, Christian is biebered by the apparent black hole into which his kitchen items get sucked, while Jason’s bieber has to do with how hard it is to operate windshield wipers.

Also, too many silent pauses? That’s.... .... .... .... .... ...ridiculous.

Direct download: 2016_05_20_0098.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #97: Cancer, Science, and Kissing Dating Goodbye

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with the age-old question, “Should the Tesla Motor Company be pronounced like the metal band “Tesla” from the ‘80s, or does CEO Elon Musk have the right to just change the pronunciation on a whim? And what gives him that right?” We then take a voice mail asking what our respective protocols would be if we were diagnosed with cancer (as in, who would we tell, and when?), and our answers sum up our personalities pretty perfectly. We take listeners’ questions concerning gun rights, what the hell “grace perfects nature” means, and whether Christian feels the pull back toward Christianity or will just continue hardening his heart against Jesus. We spend a few moments discussing all the so-called scientific studies that are popping up everywhere proving stuff like “men who think about boobs are less likely to contract Crohn’s Disease,” and then turn our attention to the “courtship” alternative to dating that many Christian’s have adopted and been screwed over by. Lastly, we tackle the issue of “cultural (mis)appropriation,” which says that white guys can’t have dreadlocks. Can white people have dreadlocks? A poignant question indeed, which is why we discuss it.

Also, America is the only civilized western country where the plotline of Breaking Bad makes even the least bit of sense.

Direct download: 2016_05_11_0097.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #96: Guns of Anarchy

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors: On his road to ruining the U.S.A., has Donald Trump also ruined our hopes of the one thing we were looking forward to this summer: a contested Republican convention? Will autonomous automobiles drive with the same knack for self-preservation that humans do, and if not, can we change that setting? Do airlines intentionally make sure that there is at all times at least one pilot in the cockpit who is going to hell? Is Sons of Anarchy an accurate representation of how guns get into the wrong hands? Is the new documentary Under the Gun just the first step in lulling Americans into a false sense of security so that Obama can finally make good on his secret plans to confiscate 300 million guns in the last 200 days of his presidency? Is Canada counting on the unlikability of whomever is elected President of the United States to help populate an island in Nova Scotia? Is the support technician on the other end of the phone really dealing with a slow computer or do they just need to finish updating their Facebook status? Finally, will no part of America be spared? Jason turns his sights from The South to The Midwest.

Also, if Jason and Christian were to get gay-married, which one of them would be the bride?

Direct download: 2016_05_06_0096.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #95: A Tender Conscience in a Pluralistic World

Episode #95 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail suggesting that we may have engaged in a bit of gender stereotyping in a recent episode, but since the caller was a woman we immediately dismissed her as hysterical and emotionally out of control. Jason’s personality is then diagnosed, with the fairly accurate prognosis that he is utterly unfit for gainful employment. We then delve into the issue of the relationship between one’s own conscience and his responsibility to the public good, and afterwards issue an invitation to colonize with us a new nation should Donald Trump ever become president. We discuss whether robots could ever destroy humanity from a religious point of view, and speaking of religion, Christian introduces us to the term “ignosticism”  and our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a newly-made orphan. Christian is biebered by people who can’t intellectually walk and chew gum at the same time, and Jason’s bieber proves that only he can prevent forest fires.

Also, for the love of all things holy, can a black woman get diarrhea on TV just once?

Direct download: 2016_04_25_0095.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 5:11am PDT

Podcast #94: Sacred Propaganda, Secular Morality

DXP #94 begins with a brief lament over the death of one of pop culture’s most beloved and talented icons (but enough about Chyna), and then we address the recent barrage of faith-based films and the agenda behind them. We spend a fair bit of time addressing the relationship between religion and morality (as in, how immoral are atheists on a scale of four to ten?), after which we take a call asking us to compare and contrast bakers and The Boss. We discuss our recent “bathroom meme” and the differences, if any, between laws restricting gun ownership and laws restricting rape (turns out, rapists are among society’s most conscientious rule-keepers. Who knew?). Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment deals with the response to the new $20 bill, and “Dick Move, God” introduces us to a man whose wife was raped by Yahweh’s favorite guy ever. Christian is biebered by having to tolerate the intolerant, while Jason’s bieber has to do with people who make math too simple.

Also, is it wrong for the petri dishes that contain human embryos to be made in inhumane conditions?

Direct download: 2016_04_22_0094.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #93: The Incorrectness of Political Correctness

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with some good news about Jason’s forthcoming book and Christian’s excitement over our podcast reaping a bit of that attention from it. We then address a listener’s objection that we are just pinko Rush Limbaughs, as well as deal with the issue of the rampant and bigoted persecution of Christians in this country </eye-roll>. We take a listener’s call about what kind of pastor Christian used to be (since the very notion that he was ever a man of the cloth is simply inconceivable to most people), and then we discuss another listener’s question about what our personality types are (yes, we are distinguishable, but just barely). Jason addresses a question having to do with his “photographic memory” or something (he can’t remember), and then we spend some time discussing the topic of the minimum wage and the larger issue of globalization. The issue of where people are allowed to go potty comes up again, as does the sexualization of boobies and the role of money influencing public policy. We spend considerable time proving that we are not politically correct (but we do it in such a way so’s not to offend midgets or hermaphrodites). And finally, our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a man whose entire life’s work is undone due to a technicality.

Also, we don’t care if you think we’re racists as long as you think we’re thin.

Direct download: 2016_04_15_0093.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #92: Dude Looks Like a Lady

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a verbally abusive voicemail which, it turns out, we not only endure but love (not sure what that says about us). We then discuss whether “living and letting live” is something only atheists can do as well as take our very last call about music theory (we promise). We take calls about the possibility of America’s first Jewish president and the validity of the so-called generation gap between Millennials and X-ers, after which we weigh in on one of our listeners finding her husband’s loaded gun lying around the house (hey, better safe than sorry, right?). We discuss a recent study involving turning sex into some chore you’ve gotta do every single day (shudder), and then talk about the controversial LGBT “bathroom law” that the legislature recently passed in Xenophobiaville, USA (it’s in the South. And don’t worry, they won’t be offended since they don’t know what “xenophobia means). And Jason is biebered by the threat of robots.

Also, we got three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self.

Direct download: 2016_04_08_0092.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #91: Corrections & Elections

This episode begins with a brief update on how our “Late for Lent” experiments are going, after which we launch into a series of corrections of all the misinformation and ignorance we disseminated in our last episode (in our defense, lady-parts are complicated). We then take a couple calls from Presbyterians who betray everything they stand for by listening to our show (which gives one of us no small amount of satisfaction), after which we talk about Trump a little bit, which is always fun. Jason answers a listener’s question about why he is still a Catholic, and Christian describes our experience caucusing for Bernie a couple weeks ago (we had to interact with the public face-to-face [shudder]). Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment launches us into a theological rant about how Jews aren’t so special after all, after which we share our biebers—Jason is biebered by selective evidence from gun cultists, while Christian’s bieber has to do with ignorance and the legal system.

Also, and not to be ethnocentric or anything, but other cultures are just wrong a lot of the time. There, we said it.

Direct download: 2016_04_01_0091.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:13pm PDT

Podcast #90: Bad Friday, Easter Monday

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with an impromptu discussion about whether beauty is objective or merely in the eye of the beholder, and then sit at the feet of Microsoft’s new AI chatbot, Tay, and seek to learn from her wisdom and sensitivity. We delve into the Twitter feud between Trump and Cruz and segue into the complete clown show that is the 2016 Republican Party. The remainder of our time is spent discussing Holy Week (hint: the math is all wrong), touching upon such topics as whether history written by believers can be trusted and whether the story of Jesus is too NC-17 for those little children that Christ said heaven will be filled with. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we are introduced to a man whose honeymoon didn’t go as expected, and Christian is biebered by the clothes he buys at wholesale warehouses while Jason’s bieber has to do with how inconvenienced he is by things that are actually really, really convenient.

Also, at final count we believe it was three distinct episodes of The Twilight Zone that Jason conflated into one.

Direct download: 2016_03_25_0090.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:39pm PDT

Podcast #89: Anarchy and Theism

In this episode the DXPs are joined by their friend Johnny Terranova, who admits that Jason’s case against the truth of the moon landing is the most convincing one ever put forward. We then discuss our rejection of the idea that the Bible must be the believer’s sole authority as well as where that rejection has led us, after which we delve a little more into issues surrounding theism and Christianity. Johnny then shares some of his anarchist ideas about government surveillance (as if the NSA would ever do such a thing!), and we take a voice mail about women breastfeeding their babydaddies. We talk a bit about Trump, because how can we not, and then return to the issue of the role of probability in whether one believes in God or not (and thankfully, Christian’s confusion over which god is the right one to pick is cleared up by a caller who explains why Jason’s is the best God ever). We introduce a new segment called “Late for Lent” in which one of us makes a radical change to our lives and describes its effects (our first round involves Christian’s sleeping patterns). Our biebers focus on Daily Savings Time and “lame ducks,” as well as force us to face the chilling question of whether our biebers will ever annoy us more than their namesake does.

Also, Jason and Johnny are 84% convinced that 99% of Christian’s statistics are just made up.

Direct download: 2016_03_20_0089.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #88: Are You There, God? It’s us, the Drunk Ex-Pastors

We begin episode #88 of DXP by discovering, through sheer trial and error, that veganism is just cannibalism in seed form. We respectfully and dignifiedly make fun of the pro-gun woman whose toddler shot her, and then address an off-color metaphor (ahem) that one of us used in our last episode (doesn’t matter who). We take a phone call asking about the prudence of voting for the lesser of two evils, which confused us because we were under the impression that that’s what all voting just is. We then turn our attention to the existence of God, tackling such thorny topics as the problem of evil, free will, the Holocaust, and that one kid who died, went to heaven and saw a bunch of amazing stuff, and then came back to tell about it (scoring a killer book deal in the process, as luck would have it). We discuss the nature of evidence and probability when used to argue God’s existence, all of which Christian thinks is just bullshit. Our "Dick Move, God!" segment introduces us to a man whose prospects for love were shattered by a bunch of construction workers, and finally, Jason is biebered by hotel amenities, while Christian’s bieber involves that Geico lizard.

Also, this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors is brought to you by sarsaparilla. “Sarsaparilla: That stuff that only agnostics and cowboys drink.”

Direct download: 2016_03_11_0088.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #87: What Would Bernie Eat?

This episode begins with a solemn reflection on Americans’ porn preferences (really, Wyoming?), after which we begin a discussion on food and diet, to which we return toward the end of the show. Christian shares his experiences at his recent “team building” meeting among his sales and marketing associates, all of which makes Jason sad. We take a call from a listener who chides Christian for his alleged misuse of the term “literally,” but much to Jason’s disgust his co-host explains why the caller was in fact wrong (all of this leads to a diatribe from Jason on poo-poo etiquette, we’ll just leave it at that). We break down Super Tuesday and insult a bunch of people in the process, and then spend some time searching through a Christian movie website’s catalogue of family-friendly films. We follow up on the Kesha controversy, and then address whether Hollywood is hypocritical in its selective outrage as displayed in movies like Spotlight. We finish up trying to understand why black people are just so much more criminal than everyone else.

Also, calling America the “greatest nation on earth” when you’ve never traveled is about the most meaningless compliment ever.

Direct download: 2016_03_02_0087.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:43pm PDT

Podcast #86: Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail

This episode of DXP begins with our bitching and moaning about our various tax- and credit card-related hassles, after which Jason insists on addressing the controversy surrounding Kesha and her allegations of sexual assault by her producer (a discussion that Christian wants absolutely no part of), leading us into the broader issues surrounding these kinds of he said / she said situations. We take a voicemail from a couple fellow podcasters about Lent, and then we move into the topic of taxes (precipitated by a Facebook experiment that Christian conducted), wondering aloud why those who object to taxes being used for education rarely seem to have a problem with them being used for endless warfare. We then turn our attention to Donald Trump, spending most of our remaining time wringing our hands and fretting. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment addresses the scary and imminent prospect of Obama personally administering the Mark of the Beast, and we conclude with disclosing the real reason why we’re all about to die.


Also, Obama killed Osama? Psssh! Which president hasn’t?

Direct download: 2016_02_26_0086.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #85: The Murder of Justice Scalia

This edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a depressing reminder that we are aging and on a steep decline in health and wellness followed by an economics lesson on how, if we are all dying anyway, we can live for free off other people’s money until we meet our untimely end. We then hear from a local listener whose Valentine’s Day ended with some sexy lovin’ despite how it began (with public half-naked man-wrestling). We then take a caller’s question about whether CrossFit is a cult or merely a lifestyle-defining group with incredibly devoted members whose zeal to convert others to their way of life utterly consumes them. Another caller asks whether Jason’s insistence that Leftist extremists are more benign than their Right-wing counterparts is actually true or just special pleading, after which we recount the birthday festivities that took place after last week’s show as recorded. We seek to put to bed all present and future charges of racial and political bias by criticizing a bunch of white people, and then continue our “Pagan Repent!” discussion by examining why God, despite having a myriad of options, would choose to reveal himself to first-century Jews (or as Christian calls them, “those people”). Our “Feeding Friendsy” portion of the show seeks to get to the bottom of Justice Scalia’s obvious murder, ascertaining whether the killer had help or if Obama simply acted alone. And finally, Christian is biebered by the fact that he apparently looks like a teenager (albeit one with chronic breathing problems).

Also, if Bernie doesn’t win, look at the bright side — at least he can get back to his real passion: stabbing babies with scissors on their birthday

Direct download: 2016_02_19_0085.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #84: Bi-Partisan Whackjobs and the Fulfillment of Prophecy

We start this episode of DXP with a brief discussion of ale, beer, and the White House’s crappy Wi-Fi, after which we take a voice mail from none other than renowned physicist Stephen Hawking whose mother, we hope, he doesn’t kiss with that mouth. We wrap up our in-depth report on whether it’s OK for white people to dislike Cam Newton, and speaking of wrapping, Christian surprises Jason with some birthday gifts live on the air. We then turn our attention to the plethora of high-budget Christian movies that are premiering soon, even vowing to watch some of them (for a price). We take another call from a listener who argues that yes, there are just as many nutjobs on the Left as there are on the Right (which, we carefully explain, is ridiculous), after which Christian offers a response to Jason’s challenge in last week’s “Pagan Repent!” segment. Finally, in our “Feeding Friendsy” portion of the show we break down the controversy involving black women and their audacity in drawing attention to what it’s like to be women who are black (after which we listen to some good old fashioned non-activist music like Springsteen and Dylan).

Also, we’ve seen a tiny-ass .22 round nose drop a nigga plenty of days, man.

Direct download: 2016_02_09_0084.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #83: The Pending Christian Holocaust

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a complete and cavalier dismissal of most medical and psychological “syndromes” (we don’t trust things we can’t relate to) and then foray briefly into an anti-technology rant for some reason. We then spend some time coddling and placating our audience and their blind devotion to Cam Newton (yes, he is a wonderful man off the field; no, we’re sure you’re right that he doesn’t have a single arrogant or taunting bone in his body; and yeah, we’re well aware he can feed five thousand hungry people with five loaves and two fish. Geez, if you people spent half that energy worshiping Jesus instead of this guy you’d actually have a chance at not being Chinese water tortured for all eternity). We spend some time discussing the nature of God’s involvement in the world, and then watch a video warning us about Obama Bin-Hitler’s sinister plans to kill 75% of Americans because of their Christian faith (and apparently he’ll also be holocausting himself since he’s a believer too). We try out a new segment titled “Pagan Repent!” in which Jason attempts to get past Christian’s hardened and seemingly impenetrable heart by trying to make the faith more palatable. Jason is biebered by all the eggshells that he walks upon.

Also, “Ecclesial Playboys.” It’s a thing.

Direct download: 2016_02_02_0083.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #82: Race, Sports, and Hip-Hop Culture

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with Christian explaining what he’s been doing with his down-time while sick, and then moves on to Jason’s love for Australians and their “busted pluggers” (which is not nearly as sexual as it sounds). We conclude our reporting on the militia standoff in Oregon (they’re all dead or in jail), and then take a listener’s call about whether people who adopt stupid ideas are themselves stupid, or just kind of uncritical and unreflective (i.e., stupid). We take a fan’s suggestion and weigh in on Carolina Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton and attempt to narrow down the exact reason why we hate him, which leads to a lengthy discussion about whether certain cultures are superior while others are just plain crappy. We watch a pro-gun pastor’s paranoid video about cage-fighter Jesus before launching into our “Feeding Friendsy” segment about the dangers of needing famous pawns for the Christian culture war. And finally, in our “Dick Move, God” segment Jason gets all up close and personal.

Also, Wiz Khalifa and Kanye West are both drowning and you only have time to save one. So, what kind of sandwich do you make?

Direct download: 2016_01_29_0082.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #81: Oscar the Racist

This post-cruise episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (featuring a slightly under-the-weather Catholic and an at-death’s-door agnostic) begins with a tale about a near-fatal “three-hour tour” and a free lesson in how to make a drug cocktail that sounds delicious and will for sure kill you. We break down Palin’s eloquent endorsement of Donald Trump and then turn our attention to the ongoing armed and illegal occupation of government lands in Oregon by law-abiding patriots, which leads us into a discussion of the role of civil disobedience in America’s history. We then spend some time talking about the miraculous release of American pastor Saeed Abedini from an Iranian prison by Barack Obama and Jesus. Speaking of swarthy people, the Oscars nominated zero of them. We discuss how racist this apparently is, as well as how racist we are when no one’s watching. Christian’s bieber involves David Bowie “putting on his red shoes and dancing the blues” in hell, while Jason is biebered by not being allowed to call the cops on more people.

Also, this episode may seem short, but Jason did edit out about 45 minutes of coughing.

Direct download: 2016_01_24_0081.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #80: A Conservative Guide to Liberalism

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins (much to Jason’s distaste) with a tale of vomit, poo, and Christian’s supposedly comforting bedside manner. We then take a call from a listener whose holiday cheer rivals that of the Grinch, but which leads to a discussion about which is more indicative of Christianity: Frosty the Snowman or the Easter Bunny. We then turn our attention to a video by the Jewish conservative radio personality, Dennis Prager, on the supposed differences between Right- and Left-wingers. We can barely make it through more than a few seconds at a time without having to hit Pause and politely (or not-so-politely) demur, but at least we learn from it that rape on college campuses is a myth, so I guess there’s that. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment details all the parallels between Obama and Hitler (during which Jason suggests a massive bet with the audience potentially involving thousands of dollars), after which we take another call accusing us of hate-speech and unfair ridicule (Us? Ridicule? Come on!). Jason’s bieber betrays his disgust towards man’s best friend, while Christian is biebered by the British.

Also, what am I going to do with a gun rack?

Direct download: 2016_01_04_0080.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #79: Can’t We All Just Get Along?

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by taking a call that causes us to wrestle with the proper term for cripples (as in, is it wrong to call them cripples? We aren’t sure, but we’re looking into it). We then take another voice mail from the same listener, but we become distracted by trying to outdo one another with our best Midwest accents (ookee dookee, y’betcha). After we have sufficiently amused ourselves we deal with her actual question, which results in our spending a good chunk of time addressing the issue of fostering and maintaining relationships with people with whom we disagree over significant issues. We take a voice mail about Satanism and another about good guys with guns, and then move on to another installment of our segment, “Go Home, Google, You’re Drunk.” In our “Dick Move, God” segment we are introduced to an evangelist who is so unsuccessful that not even the good Lord himself is willing to help the poor guy out, which leads us to the issue of what it would take to lure our resident agnostic back into the Christian fold.

Also, we apologize in advance for anyone we offended in this episode. Political correctness is hard (and we’re not even cripples).

Direct download: 2016_01_02_0079.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #78: Patriotism or Christianity?

We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with one final bit of blowback from our interview with Cash Peters—and this one’s priceless—which leads us into a reflection about the Fundamentalist’s pathological need to find a threat or demon lurking behind every tree (can’t an innocent erotic chakra massage be religiously neutral? Geez. Relax, people). We then banter a bit about the new Star Wars film and address a caller’s feedback about Princess Leia’s collagen-filled lips, after which we take another call about the personal and relational price of no longer towing the religious party line. Another listener’s question about Jerry Falwell Jr. and Liberty University’s open-carry gun policy leads to an in-depth discussion about Christianity and pacifism: Should believers be more American by arming themselves on the one hand, or try to, I don’t know, imitate Christ on the other? Our “Feeding Friendzy” segment addresses the problem of our president having such an easy time implementing his communist agenda (will the Right *ever* stand up to him and say “No”?). Christian is biebered by the lawless wilderness that is his daughter’s school parking lot, while Jason’s bieber involves The Force and its rape-implications.

Also, say hi to your mother for me, alright?

Direct download: 2015_12_22_0078.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #77: Star Wars, Hitler, and Princess Leia’s Lips

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with an in-depth breakdown of the New Star Wars film that neither of us had seen yet (turns out it was awesome), after which we debrief a bit about the Cash Peters interview from our last show. Christian then describes how his company does “mission trips,” which is weird since it makes no sense to do nice things for underprivileged people when you hate Jesus. We address a caller’s observation that we are “sarcastic” (wow, you figure that out on your own, genius?), and then address Bernie Sanders’s suggestion that ISIS was caused by styrofoam Big Mac containers and AquaNet. We then turn to the question of how alike Trump and Hitler are on a scale of 6-10, after which we springboard from Princess Leia’s lip implants to Hollywood’s preference for young, thin women. In our “Feeding Friendsy” segment we weigh in on whether Confederate flags and crescent moons are the same, and our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a budding entrepreneur who loses his business and meets financial ruin because he didn’t think to purchase demon insurance. Christian is biebered by elevator etiquette, while Jason’s bieber involves messy nuts.

Also? By choice, man!

Direct download: 2015_12_15_0077.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:06pm PDT

Podcast #76: Cash Peters

In this episode, the DXPs welcome mystic, TV personality, radio host, handwriting analyst, and author Cash Peters into the studio (he’s kind of like the Dos Equis “Most Interesting Man in the World” guy, just with a British accent and teeth). In our first hour, Cash analyses our handwriting and is deeply surprised by what he learns about Jason (although Christian thinks the analysis was pretty much right on target). After our break Cash describes his experience visiting the healer John of God in Brazil (do true healings happen there? Are they attributable to God?), after which we again return to Jason and what a frustrating experience he makes listening to this show to be (during which Jason falls asleep). Cash shares his bieber with us, which involves times long ago in galaxies far, far away.

Also, you’ve now heard the terms “Mancunian” and “Liverpudlian.” You’re welcome.

Direct download: 2015_12_09_0076.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:09pm PDT

Podcast #75: Killing Abortionists Stops a Beating Heart

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian begin by discussing some of the blowback from last week’s interview with Dan Savage, and then take a series of voicemails on topics ranging from how sexy our voices are to whether we should have free college tuition, and from the refugee crisis to whether we truly mock God on our show. We address the issues of modern evangelical culture and persecution in America, after which Christian gets super pissed at his kids and we all get to hear what that sounds like. Dick Bush calls in for tips on becoming a good “agnostical,” and we introduce a new segment called “Go Home, Google, You’re Drunk” which leads to a discussion about elitism, tastemakers, and how stupid everyone is. We then spend a good deal of time arguing about whether, how, and how cavalierly abortion doctors should be killed. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we meet a man who was fired for sustaining an on-the-job injury, and Jason is biebered by how pointless it is to listen to podcasts.

Direct download: 2015_11_30_0075.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #74: Dan Savage

In this episode, the DXPs sit down with infamous sex advice columnist and gay-rights activist Dan Savage. Highlights include Christian telling a vagina-centric story that shocks Dan and renders him speechless (no easy feat in his line of work), and Dan connecting with Jason over their mutual love of musical theater (to the point where Dan refers to him as “Girl!”). Dan discusses his sexuality, the Catholicism with which he was raised, and the origins of his “It Gets Better” project. And in a shocking display of vulnerability no doubt occasioned by his drinking almost an entire bottle of sparkling rosé, Dan tips his hand and discloses the various insidious elements of the Gay Agenda™. The discussion finally turns to divorce, cheating, and why gays want to be married so badly when straight people are finding less and less use for it.

Also, that thing of when an openly non-monogamous married gay man welcomes you home to Mother Church? Priceless.

Direct download: 2015_11_16_0074.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #73: Compassion vs. Conservatism

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin by finally tackling the age-old question, “If you’re blind, how much does it matter if your spouse is hot or not?” As you may guess, a query of this magnitude has multiple layers of nuance, but we do give our best shot at an answer. We then resist a caller’s temptation to try to steal food from the mouth of a homeless, as well as engage with another caller about the difficulty of wanting to be yourself in public but not being free to. Another listener suggests a “new way” to conceive of God and Christianity, about which our resident agnostic is uncertain and doubtful (shocking, we know). We briefly discuss the thorny issue of “stumbling our weaker brother” before we dive into our main topic: the refugee crisis in Europe and throughout much of the world (and you’ll never guess which segment of society has found a way to be on the wrong side of yet another issue!). Christian shares his thoughts on our obviously Islamophile president, while Jason tells a heart-wrenching story about being robbed of positive male role models. Christian is biebered when people are no longer marginalized but celebrated, while Jason’s bieber will leave you on the edge of your seat clinging to his every word.

Also, marshmallows with a nice chemical topping? Yummmmm….

Direct download: 2015_11_19_0073.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:01pm PDT

Podcast #72: Divine $h!t Happens

In our very first video-recorded episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (courtesy of David and Kevin from the Charred Barrel Society), Jason and Christian explore the merits of a new religion called “Pastafarianism,” after which we address the “War on Christmas” and the supposedly nationwide outcry over Starbucks’ new holiday cups in particular. We then take a listener’s question about how much a potential president’s religion matters before addressing the recent terrorist attacks in Paris. We spend a fair bit of time debating another caller’s question about whether prayer really works, which leads us down various rabbit holes such as why God allows evil, what role free will plays in God’s plan, and whether biblical history really functions the way many believers wish it did. Our attention then turns to the phenomenon of non-religious people sending their children to Christian schools, which causes our resident agnostic to both bemoan his own youth while simultaneously wondering whether his own kids could use a bit more Jesus in their lives. Our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to someone who unfortunately seemed to experience God killing their good parent while praising the crappy one. Christian is biebered by Hollywood money, while Jason’s bieber involves having clueless followers.

Also, “Don’t worry about the vase.”

Direct download: 2015_11_14_0072.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #71: Virtual Friends, Counsellors, and Confessors

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors opens with a brief discussion of whether Time magazine’s fourth most-powerful person in the world deserves the label, after which we take a call from (and are shocked at the libido of) the world’s most brilliant theoretical physicist. We turn our attention to the irony that is Seattle’s Amazon Books superstore, which is intertwined with the topic of technology, leading us to the not-so-futuristic issue of self-driving cars and whether they’ll be as “safe” as the ones that human idiots drive. We then touch upon Bernie Sanders’s views of marijuana and the gays’ plan to make the human race extinct. After our break we discuss Australian (ex)model Essena O’Neill and her renunciation of social media, on social media, which brings up the broader topic of just how healthy it is that online forums have replaced real flesh-and-blood counselors for so many young people in our culture. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we learn how to get out of paying your debts with the help of the Spirit. Jason is biebered by the effects of changing your email address, while Christian’s bieber involves unnecessary wastes of his time.

Also, Lesbian Island? Yes please.

Direct download: 2015_11_05_0071.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #70: Jay Bakker Interview

In this episode the Drunk Ex-Pastors interview pastor-author Jay Bakker, “Christian agnostic” and son of Jim and Tammy Faye. We begin with a disavowal of anything we say since we do absolutely no research before weighing in on a topic, after which (to Christian’s annoyance) Jay and Jason talk about skateboarding for way too long. Jay relays his first and only experience with our former church, Calvary Chapel of Costa Mesa, which reduced him to tears (not the good kind). Jay then describes his experience becoming a gay-affirming Christian leader, which went pretty much how you would expect it to, after which he tells us about his church, Revolution. Our discussion then veers to the topic of the weakness and humanity of Christian leaders, and finally to the subject of the relationship of faith and doubt.

Also, an “Orange County accent”? Psssssh! I am so. Sure.

Direct download: 2015_10_27_0070.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:13pm PDT

Podcast #69: You're Not Gonna Live Forever (or Learn how to Fly)

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a heartwarming tale of “tough love,” that special brand of care that renders the phrase “kill them with kindness” all the more meaningful. We take a call from a listener demanding to know more about Jason’s life (which demand is rebuffed), and another from some guy who hates Mother Teresa and implies she was some sort of monster. We discuss one of the New Atheist’s controversial view of gun control, completely solve the riddle of reincarnation, and then tackle the issue of radical Islam. We are asked to weigh in on Justin Bieber’s wiener (which one of us has seen and the other has also seen but won’t admit it), and then take another call about the difference between Edward Snowden and Kim Davis. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we meet a grieving elementary school teacher whose students learned a valuable lesson about what happens when you damage the ego of the Lord’s anointed. Christian is biebered by people who refuse to “Feel the Bern,” while Jason’s bieber involves being forced to think about useless people.

Also: Bears, God? Really? Wow. Just… wow.

Direct download: 2015_10_17_0069.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #68: Slouching toward Idiocracy

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss whether excessive drinking is really as harmful as all the experts unanimously warn (turns out it’s fine). We then discuss a recent documentary about The Shining, seeking to determine whether Kubrick was really the genius his most devoted fans insist he was, or whether those fans need to move out of their parents’ basements and do something more constructive. We take a couple brief calls about guns, as well as give some marital advice, ironically, to a caller with a conservative wife. We then turn our attention to the issue of technology’s effects on our culture, and whether democratizing the flow of information is worth how stupid it’s making us. Jason is biebered by his looming death, while Christian’s bieber involves uncharitable hermeneutical practices.

Also, cock rings? Discuss. . . .

Direct download: 2015_10_13_0068.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 11:02pm PDT

Podcast #67: Just Say "No" to Martyrdom

Episode #67 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a brief discussion about all the ways Jason is the worst Catholic ever, but then moves on to the question of why (1) if you love guns you’re most likely an evangelical Christian, and (2) if you’re an evangelical Christian you most likely miss the entire point of everything Jesus taught. We take a call from an ex-Catholic atheist asking what the point of prayer is, which leads to the issue of why smart atheists always choose stupid Christians to engage rather than picking on ones their own size. The Roseburg shooting comes up, giving way to a discussion about whether the gunman was targeting religious people, and if so, whether it’s OK to be a religious person who lies about being religious. We then launch into our two new segments, “Dick Move, God” and “Feeding Friendsy,” the former of which tells the story of young women getting crushed to death for not being hot enough, and the latter supplies some important tips for the post-Rapture crowd who got left behind. Jason is biebered by having to waste his time patiently, while Christian’s bieber has to do with subjecting himself to idiots in the noble service of this podcast.

Also, you’re a non-practicing Jew? Hey, I’m a non-practicing virgin!

Direct download: 2015_10_05_0067.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:08pm PDT

Podcast #66: Roseburg

In this special episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss the recent mass shooting in Roseburg, OR, as well as exhibit their hatred of America and freedom by daring to wonder aloud whether anything can be done about this sort of thing (and if so, what). As it turns out, plenty of things can be done (but whether we have the national will to do them is another question).

Also, small penises.

Direct download: 2015_10_05_0066.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Jason and Christian begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by discussing a post that Jason wrote about how a smidge of agnosticism is worth avoiding the perils of fundamentalism, after which we offer some philosophy tips to a student of philosophy (which he himself asked for, oddly enough). We then tackle listener questions about the supposedly apocalyptic blood moon and the bizarre culture of conservative Bible colleges. After our mid-show break we resume with a mid-conversation comment about “shit vs. blood,” but neither of us remembers what exactly occasioned it (and we’re not sure we want to). We discuss the recent Volkswagen scandal, and then take a call from an old favorite about the pope which, for some reason, is interrupted by our trying to list our top five favorite one-hit wonders. We then introduce two new segments called “Dick Move, God” and “Feeding Friendzy,” and both our biebers stem from the supposed need for social graces.

Also, Christian ladies? You can stop speaking now, because men are present.

Direct download: 2015_09_30_0065.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

In this episode of drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin with a capitulation on Christian’s part toward the color-blind, and then move on to what a man’s chin and legs tell us about his sexual orientation. Jason nods his head and furrows his brow as Christian expresses his frustration over DXP’s Catholic listeners, after which we take a call from an active military listener explaining what exactly “lawful orders” are. Another caller seeks clarity on whether acting gay sends you to hell or whether just being that way is sufficient. We then share some preliminary thoughts on a documentary about the so-called “Purity Movement” (which is that thing of when earnest evangelicals have sex before marriage, but only after promising not to). The topic of open relationships arises, as does the thorny issue of Ahmed’s ticking time bomb. Oops, we mean clock. We turn our attention to the refugee crisis (noting the irony of which segment of society is embodying the “Hate Thy Neighbor” ethic), a discussion which dovetails into the issue of whether democracy can really beat theocracy in a fight. Jason is biebered by Eastern European Mexicans, while Christian’s bieber ends up focusing on the real reason his clothes don’t fit right.

Also, it really is a small world, after all. Just ask Matt.

Direct download: 2015_09_22_0064.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #63: Civil and Sexual Abuse of Power

In this episode, the Drunk Ex-Pastors respond to a listener’s misgivings about how we handled the Kim Davis controversy, which leads to a discussion about elected officials, civil disobedience, and what Jesus thinks about it all. Jason tries to tell a story about his dad, which Christian interrupts with something about his own father that is so poignant that it would move most normal people to tears (Jason, irritated at the interruption, politely listens until he can finish his own story). We return to porn (as men so often do), this time tackling the issue of how many boobs a person has to see before he becomes a sociopathic necrophile. Christian is biebered by Catholics who think like Calvinists, and Jason has no bieber since we ran out of time.

Also, that’s right, we forgot: YOUR WIFE’S DEAD!

 

Direct download: 2015_09_14_0063.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT

Podcast #62: Slippery Slopes and Christian Patriotism

In this episode, the DXPs banter a bit about Kim Davis’s eye of the tiger, wanting to rock, and all the people God screwed over just to make a point, after which we take a call about the propriety of Christians’ selling their testimonies for money. We bat around the clearly unthought-through idea of doing a Drunk Ex-Pastors college tour, and then field a question about slippery-slope arguments against gay marriage (do they lead to slippery-slope arguments against a farmer marrying his own sister? What if his sister is a dog, who’s black?). We address Detroit’s being enslaved by the dark lord of the Underworld (as evidenced by a new statue of Satan being erected there), although Jason is puzzled because he assumed that Detroit has belonged to Lucifer since the late ‘90s at least. This leads us into, you guessed it, a slippery-slope discussion concerning whether theocracy really is a good idea anymore, because ISIS. Jason gets all Luddite-y again because he fears the Internet, and Christian explains why, in addition to wanting to murder babies, he hates all cops. Jason is in too good a mood to have a bieber, but Christian picks up his slack.

 

Also, Pig-Taints got your tummy a-hurtin’? Two words: Peppy Bismilk.

Direct download: 2015_09_09_0062.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 10:00pm PDT