Sun, 25 December 2016
Our Christmas episode begins, appropriately enough, with an uplifting breakdown of the story of Rudolph, a tale about a bunch of proto-Nazis whose demand for hegemony is outweighed only by their cold heartless pragmatism (who knew?). We then reminisce about how rad the ‘80s were, what with the whole Cold War and whatnot. We then take a few calls about religion: Do our bad deeds really make us hell-worthy? Do you have to confess every last sin we commit? And would we prefer God *not* to exist, and if he didn’t, what would we do? Our “Feeding Friendsy” highlights the irony of feminists for Trump, while our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a man who’s both “after God’s own heart” as well as after the king’s hot daughter, and he’s got a sack of wiener-bits to prove it. Christian is biebered by unwanted residue clouding his eyesight, while Jason’s bieber reveals how envious he is of celebrities. Also, the Island of Misfit Toys is a metaphor for Auschwitz. Seriously. |
Sun, 18 December 2016
Episode #128 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a criticism of our duet of “Baby It’s Cold Outside” that is not homophobic at all. We then share our opinions about HBO’s series Westworld, which recently wrapped up its first season (Jason had some issues with it, but we agreed that it ended with probably the coolest song ever), and Christian changes his tune on Love (the TV show, not the actual thing itself). We take a call on the topic of sleep paralysis and relate it to the biblical phenomenon of demon possession, and then revisit the topic of ranked voting and whether it could have spared us a Trump presidency. We spend a good portion of time pulling our hair out, metaphorically, while listening to a certain infamous televangelist explain how Donald Trump, far from being the antichrist, may in fact be the real Christ instead. Which is weird. Christian’s bieber has to do with people emerging from forests to kill you, while Jason is biebered by constantly being marketed to when he’s not expecting it. Also, last we checked Donald Trump isn’t the Son of David. |
Sun, 11 December 2016
Episode #127 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a description of perhaps the most harrowing dream ever, after which we consider a conservative prophet’s doomsday deadline for Obama to finally accomplish the insidious plans he’s been hatching for the last eight years. We discuss whether David Blaine is a master illusionist, fraud, or minion of the underworld. We take voicemails from a Millennial listener about the financial challenges her generation faces, another about whether heaven will suck because there’ll be no Netflix or weed, and still another about whether marriage just gets in the way of true love. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” asks whether God needs to be dictated to, prayer-wise, and Jason’s “Dick Move, God” segment demonstrates just how far the Lord will go to pull off an object lesson. Christian is biebered by dubious clickbait math, while Jason’s bieber has to do with (you guessed it) fixing what ain’t broke. Also, Slenderman meets the Ring girl who crawled out of that well? Just peed myself…. |
Sun, 4 December 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with voicemails from a drunk biologist and a whiskey enthusiast and continues with a caller’s challenge to Christian about whether he is raising fratboy Trump enthusiasts. We take more calls about the propriety of third-party voting and what it’s like to be a politically conservative DXP fan, after which we discuss our president-elect’s opinion on the punishment for flag-burning (hint: it’s completely ignorant and unconstitutional). We follow up a up bit on our discussion about divorce from out last episode, after which we turn our attention to Dennis Prager’s whining about losing the culture war by not hearing enough about Jesus at Xmas time, even though the people who really love Jesus have traditionally hated Prager’s people for being Christ-killers. Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s failure at escape techniques, while Jason is biebered by how his body defies all the rules of science, and not in a good way. Also, Merry Kwanzaa everyone! |
Sun, 27 November 2016
This is the episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors that probably shouldn’t have been made—It was recorded on our second Thanksgiving (celebrated on Friday), we had both been drinking for like ten hours, and it was unclear whether we were even recording that day at all. But as the saying goes, the show must go on. So we threw caution to the wind and, without an outline, our usual segments, or any pre-selected voicemails, we sat down and produced 90+ minutes of material of questionable quality (Hey, it’s two friends drinking and talking, remember?). We began by subcontracting out the intro-banter duties, and then discussed our favorite reality show, which segued into whether the differences between the various “generations” are real or made up. We then talk about Trump for a little bit (because it’s way too hard not to), but spent the bulk of our time discussing a voicemail from a listener who is recently divorced. We springboarded into issues such as why humans marry in the first place, whether we are hardwired for monogamy, and whether there should be a legal marrying age like there is for drinking. Finally, we take a call from some douchebag who claims we suck at science. And Christian is biebered by the rules regarding creepily stalking people. Also, we’ll try harder next time. Promise. |
Mon, 21 November 2016
This episode of DXP focuses pretty much exclusively on politics (which, we realize, isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But look at the bright side: When civilization as we know it ends in a year or two, none of you will have to worry about podcasts anymore. Or tea. Or cups. Or anything.). We take a voicemail about third party voting and another about the electoral college (about which we have modified our stance somewhat, because math). We then tackle the seeming false equivalency regarding left- and right-wing fearmongering. Our attention then turns to whether Trump is truly “draining the swamp” as he claimed to do, after which we take a chilling stroll through our president-elect’s possible cabinet appointments. We then ponder why evangelical Christians basically put Trump in office despite his being almost as unlike Christ as Satan. Christian is Feeding Friendsied by ignorance concerning what constitutes a scientific theory, while Jason is biebered by having to touch everyone’s food with his filthy hands. Also, Happy Genocide Day everyone! |
Sun, 13 November 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail from a listener who realizes he probably singlehandedly got Trump elected and then segues into a clarification from one of our Asian listeners about how guys can be bald but still super hot. We take a voicemail from perhaps the gayest dude EVER, and then revisit how deal-breakingly off-the-table male birth control should be since it potentially affects our mood and may cause acne and slight discomfort. Before our break we take an uncharacteristic position on the Electoral College issue. We then hear from Dick Bush, who causes us to address the issue of president Trump and what the next four years could potentially bring. Christian’s Feeding Friendsy brings up how violent and intolerant the Left supposedly is, and Jason is biebered by the water-habits of people on the small and silver screens. Also, just breathe. It’s gonna be OK. Probably.... |
Sun, 6 November 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a couple aborted attempts by a listener at leaving us a voicemail, after which we do a shot of something so vile that one of the DXPs almost defiles a wastebasket. We take another call that confirms the fears of virtually all anti-pot people (the dude was “on a mountain” in more ways than one). Jason is challenged on his cavalier attitude toward a possible Trump presidency, and the subject of male birth control is debated: Is the resistance to it among men due to their simply being weaker than women? The conversation takes many turns, any of which will possibly piss off hundreds of people. We take another call about whether the practice of rating women on a scale from 1 – 10 contributes to rape culture, but the call wasn’t even from a hot chick so we pay it as little attention as possible. Our “Dick Move, God” segment makes its triumphant return, focusing on sliced up wieners and the price a man pays for rape (50 shekels, which is pretty darn steep is you ask us). Christian is biebered by what happens after a man pees in a public restroom, while Jason’s bieber concerns (gasp!) the parking of cars. Also, can a white woman get diarrhea on TV for once, please? |
Sun, 30 October 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail from an Asian that isn’t even that boring. Jason then complains (again) about being a casino valet, while Christian displays a measure of actual happiness. Christian laments the new direction his Xfinity internet provider is taking, and then we take a call from a southern listener about what it’s like to find one’s self in the “in-between” stage between one set of beliefs and another. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment tackles the thorny issue of whether rappers need to rise to the chivalric level of presidential candidates, and we give like ten seconds’ worth of our attention to Pat Robertson before immediately regretting it. Christian is biebered by the best laid plans of screenwriters and men, while Jason’s bieber has to do with the false effects of daydreaming. Also, do blonde conservative news anchors get less hot the more they talk? |
Mon, 24 October 2016
Podcast #120: Women’s Suffrage, Asians, The South, Racism, Bigotry, Email Servers, Late-Term Abortion, Hillary vs Trump, Obama vs Putin, Passing Out, Tying Ties, and Anything Else You Can Think Of
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a delightful ditty performed by one of our female listeners, and continues with a discussion of why we ever gave those females a voice in the first place. We then introduce a new and surely ill-conceived segment titled “Zat Racist?” in which we seek to convince ourselves that we’re not horrible bigots (and are remarkably successful in the attempt). Jason shares another one of his oversimplifications about how two seemingly unrelated things are in fact pretty much the same, all based on the slimmest amount of actual evidence. We delve a bit into the whole “email controversy” and whether Hillary’s scandals compare to her husband’s. After our break we discuss abortion, and specifically whether the rhetoric on both sides is fair or intentionally misleading (as in, is the issue really about “choice”? And does Hillary really advocate stabbing a baby with a fork as it slides out the vag?) Christian breaks down the Right’s contrast of Obama and Putin (the latter of whom, apparently, is awesome), and Jason explains how Karmic Jesus punishes his co-valets for not giving him what he wants. Christian’s bieber has to do with people waking up from fainting at inconvenient times, while Jason is biebered by one of women’s apparently universal skills. Also: No hard feelings, Asia. We good, right? |
Sun, 16 October 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a caller’s accusation that one of us has become too big for his literary britches. We then hear from one of our favorite fans who shares a bit about his family’s struggle and that, somehow or another, our podcast actually helps him cope. We revisit the issue of overprotective fathers, after which we are forced to reckon with the notion that one of us may be smarter than the other (but now that we’ve had some time to consider it, we agree that we are completely equal in every way (wink)). Jason is unwillingly coerced into defending his religion a little bit, and Christian weighs in on a question about whether people should be proud of stuff they didn’t actually work to accomplish (like being American. Or gay). Things turn a little political after the break and we discuss how to be classy and presidential while just grabbing people’s pussies. Christian’s bieber is about everything getting worse, while Jason’s focuses on pizza and ice cream. Also, has Jason mentioned that he wrote a book lately |
Sun, 9 October 2016
Episode #118 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail about a bodily function that one of us may or may not have exhibited and then continues with a caller’s request for an explanation of why there are so many Christian denominations. Jason then shares some stories about the various hijinks and tomfoolery that valets engage in when they think no one is watching (but when there are 700 cameras being used, someone always is). We discuss the connection between Pentecostalism and the prosperity gospel and then tackle the issue of whether God can be judged by what assholes his followers can be. We take voicemails about protesting injustice and the recent comments by Rudy Giuliani, and then conclude with our biebers. Christian’s has to do with his apparently not caring how many babydaddies his daughter ends up having, while Jason’s results from having so much ADD that he can’t even pay attention during a two-minute movie trailer. Also, those Buddhist monks protesting the Vietnam War were really onto something. |
Sun, 2 October 2016
This episode of DXP begins with a caller’s example of situational irony which may or may not make one of us feel like the butt of some cruel cosmic joke. We delve into the issue of whether fictional universes overlap (as in, did Jack Ryan ever watch Star Wars?), and then hear once again from our Tinder-using listener, gaining more insight into the world of online dating. We take another voicemail which springboards us into our main topic, which turns out to be whether the whole theism/atheism issue is all just a big overblown misunderstanding. Like, does dogma trump devotion and does law supersede love? We briefly discuss our former church, Calvary Chapel, and whether the alleged affair of its founding pastor was a scandalous deal-breaker or an opportunity for humanity and grace. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” centers on the Christian Right’s support of Donald Trump, and Jason shares some stories about how valets might potentially retaliate against non-tipping patrons. One of our biebers has to do with the logistics or morning intimacy, while the other focuses on supposed national tragedy. Also, if Jason Bourne ever saw Good Will Hunting we bet he would have thought it was awesome. |
Sun, 25 September 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with yet another caller berating us about our ignorance about science, only this one comes from the most famous cosmologist alive. Christian then provides us with a well-studied and non-ironic lesson about irony, after which Jason gets some well-deserved props for his mockery of the South. We take several more calls leading us into such topics as whether mass stabbings are music to the NRA’s ears, whether doubt on the part of an evangelical leader will get him fired, and whether trusting in god is really any different from betting your bottom dollar that the sun’ll come out tomorrow. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” tackles the utterly disastrous effects of the Obama presidency. Jason is biebered by unnecessary improvements to things, while Christian’s bieber involves feigned outrage over perfectly reasonable insults of certain kinds of people. Also, if you’d like to leave a voicemail, give us a call at 21-397D-RUN-K. |
Sun, 18 September 2016
Episode #115 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voice mail involving a Tinder date and a potentially profitable bowel movement, after which Jason is given the chance to clarify whether he hates rich people because they’re horrible, or simply because they’re rich. We again are forced to reiterate our complete mistrust of “science,” and then receive some encouragement about our continual use of movie quotes as well as being scolded for missing an obvious one. A listener challenges Jason’s assertion that his generation invented irony, and another caller causes Christian to explain the Fermi Paradox (we think it’s about those stuffed owl-hamster things from the Nineties). We are then asked by another listener (a guy, or a girl, we don’t remember) about whether we ever bother thinking about who our audience is (we do, as we explained to whoever it was who asked). Lastly, Jason relays what it is like to peer into a person’s soul by means of parking their automobile. Christian is biebered by Facebook trends, while Jason’s bieber involves the HR department. Also, Donny Don & the Funky Bunch were the BEST. |
Sun, 11 September 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we revisit the issue of whether we ought to be as skeptical about scientific claims as we are, after which we finally put the “better to have loved and lost” issue to bed. Jason shares some thoughts on the issue of irony and how it didn’t exist until his own generation got all cynical and jaded. We then take a call about depression and how ineffective slogans are to help with it (plus, slogans are a dime a dozen anyway). After our break, we discuss the issue of what continually discovering new music has to say about the state of a person’s soul (as in, is one’s media consumption a microcosm that reveals how open- or closed-minded he is?). Christian is biebered by everyday pleasantries, while Jason’s bieber has to do with not caring how disappointed people are with things. Also, a T-shirt that says “G’Day, Mate”? Seriously? |
Sun, 4 September 2016
This episode of DXP is light on serious content but heavy on verse, so if you’re uncomfortable with two grown men taking turns citing poetry back and forth, best to move along. Before we get to that, however, we reminisce about the hard-hitting episodes of our favorite ‘80s TV shows and take a voice mail about Alfred Lloyd Tennyson. We then commiserate with another caller about the worst (or most awesome) excuse to cut a date short. We take some time to discuss the controversial actions of Colin Kaepernick, a man so unpatriotic he has the audacity to protest authority and the abuse of power (the founding fathers would be so ashamed). Our “Dick Move, God” segment explores the plight of a woman pimped out then cast aside (by another woman, no less), and Christian’s bieber involves a lot of math, while Jason’s demonstrates that he watches too many movies. Also, only Hank Moody can reference fingerbanging a cat and it be funny. |
Sun, 28 August 2016
This episode of DXP begins with a caller’s suggestion about Jason’s comic book alter ego, after which we address the emotional rollercoaster ride that is our Patreon pledges. We answer some listeners’ questions about Seattle and Satanism, and then segue into the danger of listening to the devil’s music. We then turn to our main topic of love, dating, and heartbreak, addressing such issues as “Is the dating scene really that depressing?”; “Is love worth the oft-ensuing pain it causes?”; and “Does fighting for a relationship equal weakness, and does that matter?” Speaking of love, Christian is biebered by trite platitudes concerning it, while Jason’s bieber is about people getting wet. Also, if you think this show is scandalous and irreligious, you should listen to it backwards. |
Sun, 21 August 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin by reminding everyone that football season is right around the corner, furnishing Cam Newton with endless possibilities for being a complete tool. We commiserate over our most generous patron turning out to be a sham, and then tackle a caller’s question about how to be right when everyone around us is wrong. We revisit Satanism and discuss the writing of sinister messages in one’s own blood (but enough about Johnny Depp). We address Rudy Giuliani’s creative approach to statistics and Trump’s fatwah against Hillary, and then weigh in on how much, exactly, Gabby Douglas hates America. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” questions just how many Constitutional Amendments will be left after Hillary gets into power, and Jason’s “Dick Move, God” segment pours a swallow of malt liquor onto the ground for all those who lost their lives because their great-great grandfathers hated Yahweh. Christian is biebered by having to show restraint, and Jason’s bieber has to do with Geico’s lies. Also, Christian actually likes something this week! It’s just a song, but baby steps. |
Sun, 14 August 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail leading to our resolving, for serious this time, to finally schedule a DXP cruise. After a shot of Hornitos we take a voicemail suggesting we start doing movie reviews, another pointing out what an uninvolved father Jason is, and still another from a guy asking for tips for his devotional trip through the Satanic Bible. We discuss WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange’s recent release of the DNC’s emails, and then weigh recent claims that the network’s coverage of the Olympics has been sexist toward broads. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” focuses on whether Trump’s promises to deport some people and nuke others is really all that worrisome, and Jason’s “Livin’ Lodge” segment introduces us to perhaps the most entitled douche ever. Christian’s bieber focuses on the proper way to stalk pedestrians, while Jason is biebered by promises that he’ll save 15% of more on car insurance. Also, that Turkoman Warrior person? Damn. |
Sun, 7 August 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we begin by being reminded of how many babies have “slid out of vaginas” since we’ve been born, and we then compare comic book fans to Trump voters. We take a helpful call with tips for how Jason can write a bestseller, and then spend way more time than expected discussing the relation between postmodernism and man-buns. We explore the issue of how good an actor Bradley Cooper must be to have to convince Republicans that he’s not actually that sniper guy who died, and then weigh in on Utah’s newest Polygamy and Incest Society. Jason’s bieber has to do with inner compasses, while Christian is biebered by Vegas’s ladies of the night. Also, sorry for not finishing Christian’s Vegas story after the break. #Alcohol |
Sun, 31 July 2016
This episode of DXP begins on a bad note (something involving a caller telling us how hellbound and sinister we are), after which we consider how ironic Trump’s running mate is for decrying name-calling (he’s such a moron). Jason reveals what’s next for his career, after which we discuss whether Bernie ever really felt the Bern. We share our thoughts on the new Tony Robbins documentary, and another caller offers us a devilish deal that’s too good to pass up. We turn our attention to our former church, Calvary Chapel, and discuss whether they’re going liberal (and whether that’s actually a good thing). Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” is hard to narrow down, and his bieber involves TV violence, while Jason is biebered by people who don’t look where he is pointing. Also, we’re totally open to a Date with Destiny. |
Sun, 24 July 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail reminding us how annoyed people get when we have feelings. We then tackle the issue of what does and does not constitute a spoiler (and what the statute of limitations on spoiling stories is). After revisiting the Pokémon Go craze we spend some time being annoyed with Dennis Prager’s comparison of capitalism and socialism (you’ll never guess which one makes people selfishly want to capitalize [ahem] on the weakness of others). Jason gives us an update on his book and in so doing discusses the issues of smug certainty vs. agnosticism. In our “Feeding Friendsy” segment Christian explains why Jesus hates black people, and our “Dick Move, God” portion of the show features a young man whose relationship with his father has become a tad strained of late (can’t figure out why). Christian is biebered by elevator etiquette, while Jason’s bieber involves the nocturnal goings-on in the homes of TV families. Also, we’ve read to the end of Game of Thrones, and the White Walkers totally win. |
Sun, 17 July 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with our talking about what we’re not going to talk about, which is all the depressing crap going on in the world (so instead we discuss other, equally depressing, topics happening right here at home). We take a call about the implications of recovering from brain damage to the issue of whether we have a mind and a soul, and then segue into the topic of which TV shows and movies we like to watch with our kids. After a brief story from Christian about several near-deaths at Danny DeVito’s house and a few moments mocking Pokémon Go, Jason launches into his “Livin’ Lodge” and “Dick Move, God” segments (the latter of which demonstrates the lengths to which God will go to defend traditional marriage). Christian is biebered by Hollywood’s laziness, while Jason’s bieber causes him to call into question his own originality. Also, can we get you some Pine Sol with your lemonade |
Sun, 10 July 2016
We begin this Fourth of July episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by revisiting the question of whether the shrill, poorly-dressed, and not-even-that-hot presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is treated unfairly because she’s a woman (while Donald Trump apparently faces no media scrutiny whatsoever). We then address the topic of violent intervention in global conflicts (as in, should America do this because it is the right thing to do, or just keep doing it only when it is profitable?). After our mid-show break we continue with the theme of patriotism by discussing such topics as colonization, the Tea Party, and Brexit/Texit (yes please to the latter): Is some measure of civil authority necessary? What about spiritual authority? Where does it end? And is patriotism healthy or kind of chilling? And finally, our “Feeding Friendsy” segment reminds us how reliant on the Bible George Washington would have thought America to be if he had actually said all the stuff that’s attributed to him by the Internet. Also, as soon as Texas secedes we should build the most ironic wall ever along its northern border. |
Sun, 3 July 2016
In another episode of DXP that neither of us was in the mood for, we wax a bit personal and answer a caller’s question about the various father-figures in our lives (Jason’s will SHOCK you), and then address another listener’s suggestion that the reason Hillary is garnering such scrutiny is that she has a vagina. We briefly revisit the topic of protecting ourselves against the evil gub-mint, after which we introduce a new segment called “Livin’ Lodge,” during which (tipping his hat to his car lot days) Jason tells stories about the crazy goings-on at the Salish Lodge and Spa. Christian’s “Feeding Friendsy” reflects on the wisdom of Honest Abe, while our “Dick Move, God” segment explores the depths of wickedness on the part of antediluvian natives of South America. Christian’s bieber focuses on the overly hushed tones of actors, while Jason is biebered by bedtime attire. Also, our podcast title this time is anything but mere exaggeration. |
Sun, 26 June 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, we explore whether Hillary actually does have a better shot of beating Trump than Bernie did (could a self-proclaimed socialist with *that* hairstyle really ever be a U.S. President?). We then take a listener’s call about whether, if Universalism is true, religion has any point. Christian then defends his position on guns to a caller who thinks it’s just ridiculous, after which we discuss whether there should be a statute of limitations of crimes like, I don’t know, murdering 8 million Jews. Our “Dick Move, God” segment is finally back, in which we meet a man who should have known better than to instinctively try to stop something valuable from being damaged (a mistake he’ll never make again, mainly because he got killed for making it the first time). Christian is biebered by restaurant communism, while Jason’s bieber has to do with how not to catch a serial killer. Also, who would have thought that Germany would be criticized for not punishing people enough? |
Sun, 19 June 2016
We kick off this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a voicemail about how fugly we apparently are, and then we officially put an end to the discussion over baby-soul popsicles. A listener takes us to task over our insistence that the Obama administration was scandal-free, which springboards into a discussion about what, exactly, constitutes a scandal (does it have to be sexual? Illegal? Both?). Another caller laments the fact that none of her Christian friends paid any attention to her until she decided to leave Team Jesus, which invites the question of whether they really cared about her in the first place. We take a call about the supposed double standard when it comes to school dress codes, and then bring on our very own private investigator to file an in-depth report on the topic from the front lines of Chief Kanim Middle School. And lastly, we weigh in on the Orlando massacre, although at this point what more is there to say? You can’t make a Second Amendment omelette without brutally slaughtering a few gay eggs. Also, don’t be flashing that collarbone and expect not to get raped. |
Sun, 12 June 2016
In this episode of DXP we spend time considering the age-old question, “If you freeze a baby and then thaw it out, where did its soul go?” Well OK, it may have been a bit more sophisticated than that (as in, in cases of frozen embryos or near-death experiences, does the absence of heart- and brain activity prove that souls don’t exist? And if so, is abortion moral?). Then turn our attention to Hillary’s defeat of Bernie for the Democratic nomination (cough***rigged!***cough) and debate just how democratic this Democratic Republic of ours really is. After our break we weigh in on the Brock Turner rape case, covering such topics as consent, sexual ethics, and involuntary castration. Also, did we mention he should be castrated? Because he totally should be castrated. For real. |
Sun, 5 June 2016
We’re not gonna lie, in our 100th episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we allow ourselves to get more a bit sentimental than we usually do (this may or may not have to do with our being, umm, more “in our cups” than usual as well). But hey, we all love a celebration, and we begin this show by allowing our listeners to celebrate with us and let us know what DXP has meant to them (culminating with our patron saint, Dick Bush, listing off the ways becoming “agnostical” has benefitted him in his personal life). But the mushy stuff eventually ceases and we move on to the cheery topics of killing preemies and primates, so there’s something for everyone. Concerning the former, we piggyback on last episode’s discussion of abortion, discussing whether the term “murder” is really fair to describe the procedure. And concerning the latter, how hard is it to design a gorilla cage that a toddler can’t infiltrate? Seriously. Also, thanks for a great couple years, everyone. We love you all! |
Sun, 29 May 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin with a discussion about how we can have discussions (in other words, how it is that a Catholic and agnostic can be as civil as we are to one another), after which we share some thoughts about the ever-narrowing field of presidential candidates. A caller asks us for our honest opinion about homeschooling, as in, is it just a tool for religious segregation or does it have some positive benefits as well? Another caller suggests that we have never really dealt with the issue of abortion and asks us to weigh in on it, which we do, leading to some disagreements as well as to suggestions on how the topic can be handled less inflammatorily by people on both sides of the aisle. And finally, our Feeding Friendsy segment exposes us to God’s final warning against America which, apparently, he spends significant time thinking about (you know, because the USA is at the center of both the universe as well as God’s redemptive plan for all people everywhere. Geez, ethnocentrism can be a serious pain in the ass). Also, “Immigrants!” |
Sun, 22 May 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we revisit the topic of cultural misappropriation, discussing how dope it is when white people use black lingo, fo shizzle. We springboard from the legitimate connection between mental ill-health and mass shootings to the illegitimate way people of a certain political persuasion use that fact (*cough*Republicans*cough*), and then take a caller’s question about why evangelicals stopped hating Mormons all of a sudden (what a waste, they were such easy targets). We then turn our attention to the sad plight of holocaust survivor Emily Ratajkowski—wait, did we say “holocaust survivor”? We meant incredibly beautiful millionaire model who STILL hasn’t won on Oscar despite being 24 years old and having had supporting roles in two whole movies (don’t laugh, it’s hard for her!). We weigh in on Barry Bonds’s charge of racism toward rich white kids who act black, which is straight-up whack, and then consider what it might be like to have a President whose spouse totally has orgies with sex slaves (true story). Our “Dick Move, God” segment teaches us that it’s OK to stab your kids if it gets you off the hook for lying, and finally, Christian is biebered by the apparent black hole into which his kitchen items get sucked, while Jason’s bieber has to do with how hard it is to operate windshield wipers. Also, too many silent pauses? That’s.... .... .... .... .... ...ridiculous. |
Sun, 15 May 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with the age-old question, “Should the Tesla Motor Company be pronounced like the metal band “Tesla” from the ‘80s, or does CEO Elon Musk have the right to just change the pronunciation on a whim? And what gives him that right?” We then take a voice mail asking what our respective protocols would be if we were diagnosed with cancer (as in, who would we tell, and when?), and our answers sum up our personalities pretty perfectly. We take listeners’ questions concerning gun rights, what the hell “grace perfects nature” means, and whether Christian feels the pull back toward Christianity or will just continue hardening his heart against Jesus. We spend a few moments discussing all the so-called scientific studies that are popping up everywhere proving stuff like “men who think about boobs are less likely to contract Crohn’s Disease,” and then turn our attention to the “courtship” alternative to dating that many Christian’s have adopted and been screwed over by. Lastly, we tackle the issue of “cultural (mis)appropriation,” which says that white guys can’t have dreadlocks. Can white people have dreadlocks? A poignant question indeed, which is why we discuss it. Also, America is the only civilized western country where the plotline of Breaking Bad makes even the least bit of sense. |
Sun, 8 May 2016
In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors: On his road to ruining the U.S.A., has Donald Trump also ruined our hopes of the one thing we were looking forward to this summer: a contested Republican convention? Will autonomous automobiles drive with the same knack for self-preservation that humans do, and if not, can we change that setting? Do airlines intentionally make sure that there is at all times at least one pilot in the cockpit who is going to hell? Is Sons of Anarchy an accurate representation of how guns get into the wrong hands? Is the new documentary Under the Gun just the first step in lulling Americans into a false sense of security so that Obama can finally make good on his secret plans to confiscate 300 million guns in the last 200 days of his presidency? Is Canada counting on the unlikability of whomever is elected President of the United States to help populate an island in Nova Scotia? Is the support technician on the other end of the phone really dealing with a slow computer or do they just need to finish updating their Facebook status? Finally, will no part of America be spared? Jason turns his sights from The South to The Midwest. Also, if Jason and Christian were to get gay-married, which one of them would be the bride? |
Mon, 2 May 2016
Episode #95 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail suggesting that we may have engaged in a bit of gender stereotyping in a recent episode, but since the caller was a woman we immediately dismissed her as hysterical and emotionally out of control. Jason’s personality is then diagnosed, with the fairly accurate prognosis that he is utterly unfit for gainful employment. We then delve into the issue of the relationship between one’s own conscience and his responsibility to the public good, and afterwards issue an invitation to colonize with us a new nation should Donald Trump ever become president. We discuss whether robots could ever destroy humanity from a religious point of view, and speaking of religion, Christian introduces us to the term “ignosticism” and our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a newly-made orphan. Christian is biebered by people who can’t intellectually walk and chew gum at the same time, and Jason’s bieber proves that only he can prevent forest fires. Also, for the love of all things holy, can a black woman get diarrhea on TV just once? |
Sun, 24 April 2016
DXP #94 begins with a brief lament over the death of one of pop culture’s most beloved and talented icons (but enough about Chyna), and then we address the recent barrage of faith-based films and the agenda behind them. We spend a fair bit of time addressing the relationship between religion and morality (as in, how immoral are atheists on a scale of four to ten?), after which we take a call asking us to compare and contrast bakers and The Boss. We discuss our recent “bathroom meme” and the differences, if any, between laws restricting gun ownership and laws restricting rape (turns out, rapists are among society’s most conscientious rule-keepers. Who knew?). Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment deals with the response to the new $20 bill, and “Dick Move, God” introduces us to a man whose wife was raped by Yahweh’s favorite guy ever. Christian is biebered by having to tolerate the intolerant, while Jason’s bieber has to do with people who make math too simple. Also, is it wrong for the petri dishes that contain human embryos to be made in inhumane conditions? |
Sun, 17 April 2016
We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with some good news about Jason’s forthcoming book and Christian’s excitement over our podcast reaping a bit of that attention from it. We then address a listener’s objection that we are just pinko Rush Limbaughs, as well as deal with the issue of the rampant and bigoted persecution of Christians in this country </eye-roll>. We take a listener’s call about what kind of pastor Christian used to be (since the very notion that he was ever a man of the cloth is simply inconceivable to most people), and then we discuss another listener’s question about what our personality types are (yes, we are distinguishable, but just barely). Jason addresses a question having to do with his “photographic memory” or something (he can’t remember), and then we spend some time discussing the topic of the minimum wage and the larger issue of globalization. The issue of where people are allowed to go potty comes up again, as does the sexualization of boobies and the role of money influencing public policy. We spend considerable time proving that we are not politically correct (but we do it in such a way so’s not to offend midgets or hermaphrodites). And finally, our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a man whose entire life’s work is undone due to a technicality. Also, we don’t care if you think we’re racists as long as you think we’re thin. |
Sun, 10 April 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a verbally abusive voicemail which, it turns out, we not only endure but love (not sure what that says about us). We then discuss whether “living and letting live” is something only atheists can do as well as take our very last call about music theory (we promise). We take calls about the possibility of America’s first Jewish president and the validity of the so-called generation gap between Millennials and X-ers, after which we weigh in on one of our listeners finding her husband’s loaded gun lying around the house (hey, better safe than sorry, right?). We discuss a recent study involving turning sex into some chore you’ve gotta do every single day (shudder), and then talk about the controversial LGBT “bathroom law” that the legislature recently passed in Xenophobiaville, USA (it’s in the South. And don’t worry, they won’t be offended since they don’t know what “xenophobia means). And Jason is biebered by the threat of robots. Also, we got three words for you: Treat. Yo. Self. |
Sun, 3 April 2016
This episode begins with a brief update on how our “Late for Lent” experiments are going, after which we launch into a series of corrections of all the misinformation and ignorance we disseminated in our last episode (in our defense, lady-parts are complicated). We then take a couple calls from Presbyterians who betray everything they stand for by listening to our show (which gives one of us no small amount of satisfaction), after which we talk about Trump a little bit, which is always fun. Jason answers a listener’s question about why he is still a Catholic, and Christian describes our experience caucusing for Bernie a couple weeks ago (we had to interact with the public face-to-face [shudder]). Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment launches us into a theological rant about how Jews aren’t so special after all, after which we share our biebers—Jason is biebered by selective evidence from gun cultists, while Christian’s bieber has to do with ignorance and the legal system. Also, and not to be ethnocentric or anything, but other cultures are just wrong a lot of the time. There, we said it. |
Sun, 27 March 2016
We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with an impromptu discussion about whether beauty is objective or merely in the eye of the beholder, and then sit at the feet of Microsoft’s new AI chatbot, Tay, and seek to learn from her wisdom and sensitivity. We delve into the Twitter feud between Trump and Cruz and segue into the complete clown show that is the 2016 Republican Party. The remainder of our time is spent discussing Holy Week (hint: the math is all wrong), touching upon such topics as whether history written by believers can be trusted and whether the story of Jesus is too NC-17 for those little children that Christ said heaven will be filled with. In our “Dick Move, God” segment we are introduced to a man whose honeymoon didn’t go as expected, and Christian is biebered by the clothes he buys at wholesale warehouses while Jason’s bieber has to do with how inconvenienced he is by things that are actually really, really convenient. Also, at final count we believe it was three distinct episodes of The Twilight Zone that Jason conflated into one. |
Sun, 20 March 2016
In this episode the DXPs are joined by their friend Johnny Terranova, who admits that Jason’s case against the truth of the moon landing is the most convincing one ever put forward. We then discuss our rejection of the idea that the Bible must be the believer’s sole authority as well as where that rejection has led us, after which we delve a little more into issues surrounding theism and Christianity. Johnny then shares some of his anarchist ideas about government surveillance (as if the NSA would ever do such a thing!), and we take a voice mail about women breastfeeding their babydaddies. We talk a bit about Trump, because how can we not, and then return to the issue of the role of probability in whether one believes in God or not (and thankfully, Christian’s confusion over which god is the right one to pick is cleared up by a caller who explains why Jason’s is the best God ever). We introduce a new segment called “Late for Lent” in which one of us makes a radical change to our lives and describes its effects (our first round involves Christian’s sleeping patterns). Our biebers focus on Daily Savings Time and “lame ducks,” as well as force us to face the chilling question of whether our biebers will ever annoy us more than their namesake does. Also, Jason and Johnny are 84% convinced that 99% of Christian’s statistics are just made up. |
Sun, 13 March 2016
We begin episode #88 of DXP by discovering, through sheer trial and error, that veganism is just cannibalism in seed form. We respectfully and dignifiedly make fun of the pro-gun woman whose toddler shot her, and then address an off-color metaphor (ahem) that one of us used in our last episode (doesn’t matter who). We take a phone call asking about the prudence of voting for the lesser of two evils, which confused us because we were under the impression that that’s what all voting just is. We then turn our attention to the existence of God, tackling such thorny topics as the problem of evil, free will, the Holocaust, and that one kid who died, went to heaven and saw a bunch of amazing stuff, and then came back to tell about it (scoring a killer book deal in the process, as luck would have it). We discuss the nature of evidence and probability when used to argue God’s existence, all of which Christian thinks is just bullshit. Our "Dick Move, God!" segment introduces us to a man whose prospects for love were shattered by a bunch of construction workers, and finally, Jason is biebered by hotel amenities, while Christian’s bieber involves that Geico lizard. Also, this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors is brought to you by sarsaparilla. “Sarsaparilla: That stuff that only agnostics and cowboys drink.” |
Sun, 6 March 2016
This episode begins with a solemn reflection on Americans’ porn preferences (really, Wyoming?), after which we begin a discussion on food and diet, to which we return toward the end of the show. Christian shares his experiences at his recent “team building” meeting among his sales and marketing associates, all of which makes Jason sad. We take a call from a listener who chides Christian for his alleged misuse of the term “literally,” but much to Jason’s disgust his co-host explains why the caller was in fact wrong (all of this leads to a diatribe from Jason on poo-poo etiquette, we’ll just leave it at that). We break down Super Tuesday and insult a bunch of people in the process, and then spend some time searching through a Christian movie website’s catalogue of family-friendly films. We follow up on the Kesha controversy, and then address whether Hollywood is hypocritical in its selective outrage as displayed in movies like Spotlight. We finish up trying to understand why black people are just so much more criminal than everyone else. Also, calling America the “greatest nation on earth” when you’ve never traveled is about the most meaningless compliment ever. |
Sun, 28 February 2016
This episode of DXP begins with our bitching and moaning about our various tax- and credit card-related hassles, after which Jason insists on addressing the controversy surrounding Kesha and her allegations of sexual assault by her producer (a discussion that Christian wants absolutely no part of), leading us into the broader issues surrounding these kinds of he said / she said situations. We take a voicemail from a couple fellow podcasters about Lent, and then we move into the topic of taxes (precipitated by a Facebook experiment that Christian conducted), wondering aloud why those who object to taxes being used for education rarely seem to have a problem with them being used for endless warfare. We then turn our attention to Donald Trump, spending most of our remaining time wringing our hands and fretting. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment addresses the scary and imminent prospect of Obama personally administering the Mark of the Beast, and we conclude with disclosing the real reason why we’re all about to die.
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Sun, 21 February 2016
This edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a depressing reminder that we are aging and on a steep decline in health and wellness followed by an economics lesson on how, if we are all dying anyway, we can live for free off other people’s money until we meet our untimely end. We then hear from a local listener whose Valentine’s Day ended with some sexy lovin’ despite how it began (with public half-naked man-wrestling). We then take a caller’s question about whether CrossFit is a cult or merely a lifestyle-defining group with incredibly devoted members whose zeal to convert others to their way of life utterly consumes them. Another caller asks whether Jason’s insistence that Leftist extremists are more benign than their Right-wing counterparts is actually true or just special pleading, after which we recount the birthday festivities that took place after last week’s show as recorded. We seek to put to bed all present and future charges of racial and political bias by criticizing a bunch of white people, and then continue our “Pagan Repent!” discussion by examining why God, despite having a myriad of options, would choose to reveal himself to first-century Jews (or as Christian calls them, “those people”). Our “Feeding Friendsy” portion of the show seeks to get to the bottom of Justice Scalia’s obvious murder, ascertaining whether the killer had help or if Obama simply acted alone. And finally, Christian is biebered by the fact that he apparently looks like a teenager (albeit one with chronic breathing problems). |
Sun, 14 February 2016
We start this episode of DXP with a brief discussion of ale, beer, and the White House’s crappy Wi-Fi, after which we take a voice mail from none other than renowned physicist Stephen Hawking whose mother, we hope, he doesn’t kiss with that mouth. We wrap up our in-depth report on whether it’s OK for white people to dislike Cam Newton, and speaking of wrapping, Christian surprises Jason with some birthday gifts live on the air. We then turn our attention to the plethora of high-budget Christian movies that are premiering soon, even vowing to watch some of them (for a price). We take another call from a listener who argues that yes, there are just as many nutjobs on the Left as there are on the Right (which, we carefully explain, is ridiculous), after which Christian offers a response to Jason’s challenge in last week’s “Pagan Repent!” segment. Finally, in our “Feeding Friendsy” portion of the show we break down the controversy involving black women and their audacity in drawing attention to what it’s like to be women who are black (after which we listen to some good old fashioned non-activist music like Springsteen and Dylan). Also, we’ve seen a tiny-ass .22 round nose drop a nigga plenty of days, man. |
Sun, 7 February 2016
We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors with a complete and cavalier dismissal of most medical and psychological “syndromes” (we don’t trust things we can’t relate to) and then foray briefly into an anti-technology rant for some reason. We then spend some time coddling and placating our audience and their blind devotion to Cam Newton (yes, he is a wonderful man off the field; no, we’re sure you’re right that he doesn’t have a single arrogant or taunting bone in his body; and yeah, we’re well aware he can feed five thousand hungry people with five loaves and two fish. Geez, if you people spent half that energy worshiping Jesus instead of this guy you’d actually have a chance at not being Chinese water tortured for all eternity). We spend some time discussing the nature of God’s involvement in the world, and then watch a video warning us about Obama Bin-Hitler’s sinister plans to kill 75% of Americans because of their Christian faith (and apparently he’ll also be holocausting himself since he’s a believer too). We try out a new segment titled “Pagan Repent!” in which Jason attempts to get past Christian’s hardened and seemingly impenetrable heart by trying to make the faith more palatable. Jason is biebered by all the eggshells that he walks upon. Also, “Ecclesial Playboys.” It’s a thing. |
Sun, 31 January 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with Christian explaining what he’s been doing with his down-time while sick, and then moves on to Jason’s love for Australians and their “busted pluggers” (which is not nearly as sexual as it sounds). We conclude our reporting on the militia standoff in Oregon (they’re all dead or in jail), and then take a listener’s call about whether people who adopt stupid ideas are themselves stupid, or just kind of uncritical and unreflective (i.e., stupid). We take a fan’s suggestion and weigh in on Carolina Panthers’ quarterback Cam Newton and attempt to narrow down the exact reason why we hate him, which leads to a lengthy discussion about whether certain cultures are superior while others are just plain crappy. We watch a pro-gun pastor’s paranoid video about cage-fighter Jesus before launching into our “Feeding Friendsy” segment about the dangers of needing famous pawns for the Christian culture war. And finally, in our “Dick Move, God” segment Jason gets all up close and personal. Also, Wiz Khalifa and Kanye West are both drowning and you only have time to save one. So, what kind of sandwich do you make? |
Sun, 24 January 2016
This post-cruise episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (featuring a slightly under-the-weather Catholic and an at-death’s-door agnostic) begins with a tale about a near-fatal “three-hour tour” and a free lesson in how to make a drug cocktail that sounds delicious and will for sure kill you. We break down Palin’s eloquent endorsement of Donald Trump and then turn our attention to the ongoing armed and illegal occupation of government lands in Oregon by law-abiding patriots, which leads us into a discussion of the role of civil disobedience in America’s history. We then spend some time talking about the miraculous release of American pastor Saeed Abedini from an Iranian prison by Barack Obama and Jesus. Speaking of swarthy people, the Oscars nominated zero of them. We discuss how racist this apparently is, as well as how racist we are when no one’s watching. Christian’s bieber involves David Bowie “putting on his red shoes and dancing the blues” in hell, while Jason is biebered by not being allowed to call the cops on more people. Also, this episode may seem short, but Jason did edit out about 45 minutes of coughing. |
Sun, 17 January 2016
This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins (much to Jason’s distaste) with a tale of vomit, poo, and Christian’s supposedly comforting bedside manner. We then take a call from a listener whose holiday cheer rivals that of the Grinch, but which leads to a discussion about which is more indicative of Christianity: Frosty the Snowman or the Easter Bunny. We then turn our attention to a video by the Jewish conservative radio personality, Dennis Prager, on the supposed differences between Right- and Left-wingers. We can barely make it through more than a few seconds at a time without having to hit Pause and politely (or not-so-politely) demur, but at least we learn from it that rape on college campuses is a myth, so I guess there’s that. Our “Feeding Friendsy” segment details all the parallels between Obama and Hitler (during which Jason suggests a massive bet with the audience potentially involving thousands of dollars), after which we take another call accusing us of hate-speech and unfair ridicule (Us? Ridicule? Come on!). Jason’s bieber betrays his disgust towards man’s best friend, while Christian is biebered by the British. Also, what am I going to do with a gun rack? |
Sun, 3 January 2016
We begin this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors by taking a call that causes us to wrestle with the proper term for cripples (as in, is it wrong to call them cripples? We aren’t sure, but we’re looking into it). We then take another voice mail from the same listener, but we become distracted by trying to outdo one another with our best Midwest accents (ookee dookee, y’betcha). After we have sufficiently amused ourselves we deal with her actual question, which results in our spending a good chunk of time addressing the issue of fostering and maintaining relationships with people with whom we disagree over significant issues. We take a voice mail about Satanism and another about good guys with guns, and then move on to another installment of our segment, “Go Home, Google, You’re Drunk.” In our “Dick Move, God” segment we are introduced to an evangelist who is so unsuccessful that not even the good Lord himself is willing to help the poor guy out, which leads us to the issue of what it would take to lure our resident agnostic back into the Christian fold. Also, we apologize in advance for anyone we offended in this episode. Political correctness is hard (and we’re not even cripples). |