Drunk Ex-Pastors

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason wants to know if they’re recording, but he finally has a reason to worry. Jason then regales us with stories from the car dealership, including a recent test drive that went bad, especially for a pedestrian who may or may not be completely fine. Let’s pretend he is. Christian and Jason then talk about “tough love” and whether or not Christians should shun people who don’t live according to their morals. They then discuss the “Christian Right,” how it came to be, and more importantly, whether it should be. A caller claims to have more joy and freedom as a former Christian than she did as a Christian, which we all know is completely impossible. Finally, Jason is biebered by how much more difficult it is to have a conference call today than it was twenty years ago.


Direct download: 2014_12_24_0023.mp3
Category:Capitalism -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian and Jason go over some new iTunes reviews of the podcast, one of which is two stars and actually ends up being somewhat accurate. They then discuss the new CEO of Sony, Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un. After a discussion about raising money as missionaries, they take on the concept of over-criminalization and whether or not less laws would cause everyone to start shooting heroine into their eyeballs. They then take a question about how censored their childhoods were and then another question about whether or not atheists are just as bad as fundamentalist Christians. They then reminisce about a fight they had over a lighter and Christian is biebered by joint Facebook accounts.

Also, they get a voice mail from Satan.

Direct download: 2014_12_17_0022.mp3
Category:Kim Jong-un -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian has to deal with an obstinate child named Jason who refuses to wear his headphones and stalls for twenty minutes on a shot he doesn’t want to drink. After compromising, they discuss the manipulative practice of attempting to create Christians known as the “altar call,” and what role this played in them being asked to leave the Calvary Chapel pastorate. They then listen to a wounded warrior describe his experience back in The States which drives home the realities of war in a way that many people don’t ever recognize. Jason and Christian (or Christian and Jason) then address listener feedback including why it’s impossible for Christian ministers to be authentic and whether or not being “born again” requires a complete change of personality. Finally, they are both biebered by torture, but not enough to distract them from pizza.

Also, Jason gives his brother the best bir [...]

Direct download: 2014_12_10_0021.mp3
Category:Catholicism -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, after taking a “holiday” shot suggestion submitted by a listener and getting an update on the woeful life of a car salesman, Christian and Jason springboard off of something Jason said in the last podcast into whether or not Christianity should be any different than any other organization or religion. (Or as Christian likes to wonder, should God make a difference?) They then address a listener’s voicemail about speaking in tongues and whether or not anyone is actually doing it for real, especially 3rd graders being filmed by the news. They then address the homicide of Eric Garner by Staten Island police and attempt to answer the difficult question of whether or not being black and weighing 350 pounds is grounds enough for being strangled to death by law enforcement. (Hint: No. Never.) Jason is biebered by literally everything.

Also, Jason uses the word “psycholologize.” [...]

Direct download: 2014_12_10_0020.mp3
Category:Uncategorized -- posted at: 12:38pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian “drunkenly blather on” about a couple of the podcast’s detractors who have quite clearly never listened to the show. They then discuss one of the more important and volatile topics they’ve discussed lately: the new Star Wars teaser trailer. A caller’s comments then launch them into a discussion about skepticism and miracles, and whether or not Jesus’s miracles can beat up Mohammed’s miracles (and whether or not that would make Christian be a Christian). After a voicemail from someone who is definitely not from England, they take another entertaining voicemail from someone who doesn’t dislike the podcast a lot, which leads to a discussion about re-evaluating beliefs based on personal experience. Christian is biebered by insecure drivers and Jason is biebered by having more than one set of silverware.

Also, Christian throws up immediately following t [...]

Direct download: 2014_12_03_0019.mp3
Category:Star Wars -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors (emphasis on “drunk” for Christian), Jason puts down the whiskey and drinks beer to assuage the wrath of the Lutherans. Christian claims that referees only get in the way of good sportsmanship, in much the same way that the police get in the way of polite looting. After acknowledging that nothing gets accomplished without a good riot, they answer listener voicemails which eventually lead them to whether or not a terminally ill patient should have the right to die on their own terms before God is done tormenting them with a brain tumor. Jason is then biebered by genre-less radio stations and Christian is biebered by the defiling of his favorite holiday.

Also, Jason falls asleep while Christian is talking.

Direct download: 2014_11_26_0018.mp3
Category:Referees -- posted at: 9:03pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian celebrate their success in iTunes with a new bottle of Scotch, which naturally leads to a discussion about Dwarves tasting Orc blood. After a quick update on Jason’s success as a car salesman, an offer for a free Drunk Ex-Pastors shot glass, and an analysis of a one star iTunes review, they address some negative statements made about Christian by a Calvary Chapel pastor who would like to remain anonymous. Of course, Jason and Christian won’t let that happen. They then attempt to catch up on voicemails and discuss a variety of topics, from whether or not Ruby Red Squirt and a hot dog bun can become the blood and body of Jesus Christ, to whether or not the Bible is misogynistic, and if science and faith can co-exist. Jason is biebered by poor toilet etiquette, and Christian is biebered by poor Bible-verse quoting etiquette.

Also, Christian doesn’t look like Pope B [...]

Direct download: 2014_11_19_0017.mp3
Category:Scotch -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian get an effin awesome voicemail. Jason’s soul-sucking existence is exemplified in a deal on a $3800 gold Chrysler and Christian is devastated and losing sleep over a lost star in an iTunes review. The ex-pastors spontaneously take live questions from Facebook which start with why Mike Seaver is trying to save Christmas and eventually lead to Jason serenading Christian with the theme from the TV show Alice. After re-hashing the weed topic (get it!?) they examine whether or not your energy drink is trying to turn you into a Satanist. This leads to a conversation about whether or not Christians have delusions of grandeur and if those delusions are proof that they’re not actually delusions at all. It’s a bit philosophical…for drunks…and ex-pastors. Christian then explains why biebers are biebering him and Jason is biebered by technology…again.

Direct download: 2014_11_12_0016.mp3
Category:Kirk Cameron -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason does something he hasn’t done in 14 years as he transforms from car salesman to car buyer. After discussing Christian’s annual Halloween party, Jason relays more stories from the workplace, which he describes as “like prison, except you can go home at the end of the day.” Meanwhile, Christian thinks quietly to himself, “Welcome to having a job.” They then discuss the recent election that there’s a good chance you didn’t know took place, and springboard from that into a discussion about how marijuana prohibition is racist. They then take listener questions about whether or not Christian is going to hell, and furthermore, if he is (and he is), whether or not that’s the fault of fundamentalism. Christian then claims that the only way to make sense out of the bible is to do a bunch of mental gymnastics, to which Jason responds that that’s not true, but that there’s not time to talk about it becaus [...]

Direct download: 2014_11_05_0015.mp3
Category:Marijuana -- posted at: 9:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian decide their friendship wasn’t tested enough during the previous episode’s debate about indoctrination and go for round two. Jason admits that he is wrong, but this sentence is totally out of context. Christian informs Jason about some negative feedback from a non-drunk current pastor, and they also lament the fact that only 23 people like the podcast. Christian is asked by a listener what led him to become an Agnostic, and in fine Agnostic fashion talks about what didn’t push him into it instead of what did. Jason can’t figure out which of his many biebers to discuss and finally lands on one that gives him an excuse to say the “f-word” over and over again. Christian is biebered by insecure, American sports fans who insist on putting down soccer, which causes Jason and him to become insecure, American soccer fans who put down other sports.

Also, Jason [...]

Direct download: 2014_10_29_0014.mp3
Category:Agnosticism -- posted at: 7:51pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian celebrate the podcast’s 13th episode with a shot of chocolate cake, followed up with a recap of Christian’s trip to Hollywood and Jason’s week getting to know his co-workers: Bow Tie, Old Spice, Senator, et al. After a momentary lapse into what is possibly a quite sexist discussion and a post-mortem analysis of Christian’s inexplicable loss in the “Best Name” category for his chili, Jason and Christian take on a caller question about indoctrination, which leads to a heated discussion over what constitutes indoctrination and whether or not religious people are guiltier of it than non-religious people. After making up, Christian is biebered by redundancy and Christian is biebered by redundancy, while Jason goes full car salesman and is biebered by anyone who thinks their trade-in actually has an objective value.

Direct download: 2014_10_22_0013.mp3
Category:Indoctrination -- posted at: 8:00pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian start off the show with an experimental shot meant to give them wings. Jason then imparts his best “white-trash scheme” as a free service to anyone needing to send a letter but who is short on postage. As Jason transforms before our ears into a better and better car salesman (and a less and less trustworthy person, obviously), Christian begins Jason’s speech therapy, which, unfortunately for Jason, may last the entire episode. They then check in on the status of Jason’s haters and as a free public service announcement give their listeners a simple way to avoid the Ebola virus. Christian is biebered by (not drunk) ex-pastor Bob Coy, the “Tiger Woods” of Calvary Chapel, while Jason is biebered by any car that costs more than $30,000. (Unless, of course, he is selling it to you.) 

Direct download: 2014_10_15_0012.mp3
Category:Alcohol -- posted at: 12:39am PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian analyze why Jason gave up a comfortable job with a high salary to potentially end up sleeping in his car in Christian’s driveway. (Unfortunately, Jason no longer has a car, which is ironic considering his new career attempt.) The ex-pastors then take on Jason’s critics, of which there are many, who seem to delight in his demise and what they consider to be his inevitable downfall. Speaking of downfalls, Jason and Christian also address those particular critics who seem to be lacking the sense of humor necessary to deal with the “Rev. Jason Stellman” being on a podcast called Drunk Ex-Pastors.

Their resident heckler “badclowney” is addressed as well as [...]

Direct download: 2014_10_08_0011.mp3
Category:Catholicism -- posted at: 8:22pm PDT

In this edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian enjoy their first taste of sponsorship, and love it. (Probably because it tastes like Whiskey.) Christian recounts how his family’s recent vacation to Hawaii caused some problems for his daughter at school which opens up a discussion about education in general and how to keep kids from becoming mindless drones. A listener’s message moves the conversation from education in general to sex education, which causes some disagreement between Jason and Christian. Perhaps it’s because Jason doesn’t have all the years of parenting experience that Christian has, or perhaps it’s because Christian’s years of parenting experience have caused him to become jaded. You’ll have to decide. After a short unintentional rant against Capitalism, they end with an homage to Entourage.

Direct download: 2014_10_02_0010.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 9:45pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason presents Christian with a gift that he needs but will never use; the discussion turns to whether or not the police force attracts people who were picked on in school and therefore need to take out their frustrations on the powerless and weak; we discuss the recent controversy surrounding the lawsuit against our former church, Calvary Chapel, by two of its now-deceased founding pastor’s children; we answer a Twitter follower’s question about whether Jesus and Paul thought hell was a real place of eternal torment; and lastly, Jason exhibits his laser-sharp understanding of how to win at football (besides just shooting lots of homeruns, which is obvious).

Direct download: 2014_09_27_0009.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 11:27pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian gives Jason a very special gift (hint: it’s small, sings like a little Canadian boy, and you put it in your mouth); we take feedback from a female listener who is frustrated by her former time in the church when all her “sisters in Christ” thought she wanted to steal their husbands; we delve into the issue of language and labels, focusing on whether and when it’s OK to use “the N-word” as well as whether jokingly labeling stuff “gay” or “retarded” is a retarded, gay thing to do; Jason bitches about his culinary needs never being met, while we hoist a poignant shot which Christian saved for the very end of the show.

Direct download: 2014_09_16_0008.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 11:33am PDT

In our seventh episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason explains why he doesn’t like movies containing red-headed twin children or the Holocaust; Christian reveals some sobering facts about ISIS and their plot to take over America (or just kill us all, we’re not sure at this point); we take some listener feedback asking about Mark Driscoll’s penis and who it really belongs to; and lastly, Christian complains about the insensitivity of certain drivers’ parking habits, while Jason laments all progress in general.

Direct download: 2014_09_09_0007.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 10:54am PDT

In this edition of the podcast, Jason and Christian discuss Jason’s lack of proper decorum at the poker table, and then spend the remainder fielding a listener question about the infamous celebrity selfie leak.

This topic leads pretty naturally into a discussion of rape culture, during which Christian accuses Jason of contributing to it, thereby displaying his lack of philosophical nuance and sophistication. 

Direct download: 2014_09_05_0006.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 11:37am PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian keep their promise to do a shot in honor of all those who shared their podcast on social media this past week, and go on to extol the many benefits of alcohol, and how the moderate enjoyment of various libations can help (in the immortal words of Pink) “get this party started.” They also take some listener feedback and discuss issues like gun control, ISIS, and why Jason hates animals. God, he really is just a horrible, horrible person…

Direct download: 2014_09_04_0005.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 11:25pm PDT

In this edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors (which is perhaps the most  entertaining and least  substantive one yet), Christian and Jason kick things off with a shot of 100 proof Southern Comfort, and then ramble semi-coherently about everything from the volume of Christian’s vomiting to whether one of them could kill the other without getting caught, and from the silliness of “paying it forward” to whether girls who look like their fathers are hotter than those who resemble their moms. And for the first time they take listener feedback and address one of their detractors. Also, they drink way more than usual.

Direct download: 2014_08_28_0004_final.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 10:12pm PDT

In this edition of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Christian explains the “Ice Bucket Challenge” to Jason (call him dense, but it’s not apparent to him how pouring ice water over his head will help cure a disease); they soften their stance on the Michael Brown shooting a tad; they argue about whether more than one church-goer in 100,000 actually believes the things he claims to; Christian continues his complaint about air travel, this time focusing on overly-talkative slash voyeuristic travelers sitting next to him, and Jason accidentally (but kind of on purpose) endorses Huxley’s description of dystopic culture, except it’s not stupid people at the bottom of the food-chain, it’s unkempt ones. And they consign the other to hell several times.

Direct download: 2014_08_21_0003.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 9:44pm PDT

In this episode, Jason and Christian discuss the shooting of Michael Brown, the unarmed black teen who was shot in the back and head by a white police in Ferguson, MO, last week; they explore the issue of whether people on the right are more ideologically driven than those on the left, who tend to be more pragmatic; they roll up their religious sleeves and dig into the nuts and bolts of the Rapture and its accompanying apocalyptic doomsday prophecies (during which hilarity cannot but ensue); and Jason complains about Hollywood’s over-sensationalizing of bathroom murders, while Christian moans about pushy salespeople and how they not only make him feel heartless but also cause him to publicly lament his years and years of poor decision-making.

Direct download: 197432.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 2:45pm PDT

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors, Jason and Christian discuss the American attitude toward work and compare it to that of other cultures (as in, why do we live to work while people in other cultures work to live?); they talk about the horrific actions of the Islamic group ISIS and attempt to distinguish fact from fiction regarding the worldwide persecution of Christians — is it fair to call the denial of special treatment for American believers “persecution” while in the Middle East Christians are having their heads chopped off?; Christian vents about how pissed off he gets at the way air travelers conduct themselves at the luggage carousel; Jason bemoans how beholden humans are to machines as well as explains why most traffic laws don’t apply to him. And they accuse one another of racism like eleven times.

Direct download: 196526.mp3
Category:Culture -- posted at: 2:06pm PDT

Who are the Drunk Ex-Pastors? Why are they casting pod? What exactly is a “bieber?” Find out here!

Direct download: Introduction.mp3
Category:Introduction -- posted at: 10:00am PDT