In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we begin with a discussion about how we can have discussions (in other words, how it is that a Catholic and agnostic can be as civil as we are to one another), after which we share some thoughts about the ever-narrowing field of presidential candidates. A caller asks us for our honest opinion about homeschooling, as in, is it just a tool for religious segregation or does it have some positive benefits as well? Another caller suggests that we have never really dealt with the issue of abortion and asks us to weigh in on it, which we do, leading to some disagreements as well as to suggestions on how the topic can be handled less inflammatorily by people on both sides of the aisle. And finally, our Feeding Friendsy segment exposes us to God’s final warning against America which, apparently, he spends significant time thinking about (you know, because the USA is at the center of both the universe as well as God’s redemptive plan for all people everywhere. Geez, ethnocentrism can be a serious pain in the ass).

Also, “Immigrants!”

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors we revisit the topic of cultural misappropriation, discussing how dope it is when white people use black lingo, fo shizzle. We springboard from the legitimate connection between mental ill-health and mass shootings to the illegitimate way people of a certain political persuasion use that fact (*cough*Republicans*cough*), and then take a caller’s question about why evangelicals stopped hating Mormons all of a sudden (what a waste, they were such easy targets). We then turn our attention to the sad plight of holocaust survivor Emily Ratajkowski—wait, did we say “holocaust survivor”? We meant incredibly beautiful millionaire model who STILL hasn’t won on Oscar despite being 24 years old and having had supporting roles in two whole movies (don’t laugh, it’s hard for her!). We weigh in on Barry Bonds’s charge of racism toward rich white kids who act black, which is straight-up whack, and then consider what it might be like to have a President whose spouse totally has orgies with sex slaves (true story). Our “Dick Move, God” segment teaches us that it’s OK to stab your kids if it gets you off the hook for lying, and finally, Christian is biebered by the apparent black hole into which his kitchen items get sucked, while Jason’s bieber has to do with how hard it is to operate windshield wipers.

Also, too many silent pauses? That’s.... .... .... .... .... ...ridiculous.

This episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with the age-old question, “Should the Tesla Motor Company be pronounced like the metal band “Tesla” from the ‘80s, or does CEO Elon Musk have the right to just change the pronunciation on a whim? And what gives him that right?” We then take a voice mail asking what our respective protocols would be if we were diagnosed with cancer (as in, who would we tell, and when?), and our answers sum up our personalities pretty perfectly. We take listeners’ questions concerning gun rights, what the hell “grace perfects nature” means, and whether Christian feels the pull back toward Christianity or will just continue hardening his heart against Jesus. We spend a few moments discussing all the so-called scientific studies that are popping up everywhere proving stuff like “men who think about boobs are less likely to contract Crohn’s Disease,” and then turn our attention to the “courtship” alternative to dating that many Christian’s have adopted and been screwed over by. Lastly, we tackle the issue of “cultural (mis)appropriation,” which says that white guys can’t have dreadlocks. Can white people have dreadlocks? A poignant question indeed, which is why we discuss it.

Also, America is the only civilized western country where the plotline of Breaking Bad makes even the least bit of sense.

In this episode of Drunk Ex-Pastors: On his road to ruining the U.S.A., has Donald Trump also ruined our hopes of the one thing we were looking forward to this summer: a contested Republican convention? Will autonomous automobiles drive with the same knack for self-preservation that humans do, and if not, can we change that setting? Do airlines intentionally make sure that there is at all times at least one pilot in the cockpit who is going to hell? Is Sons of Anarchy an accurate representation of how guns get into the wrong hands? Is the new documentary Under the Gun just the first step in lulling Americans into a false sense of security so that Obama can finally make good on his secret plans to confiscate 300 million guns in the last 200 days of his presidency? Is Canada counting on the unlikability of whomever is elected President of the United States to help populate an island in Nova Scotia? Is the support technician on the other end of the phone really dealing with a slow computer or do they just need to finish updating their Facebook status? Finally, will no part of America be spared? Jason turns his sights from The South to The Midwest.

Also, if Jason and Christian were to get gay-married, which one of them would be the bride?

Episode #95 of Drunk Ex-Pastors begins with a voicemail suggesting that we may have engaged in a bit of gender stereotyping in a recent episode, but since the caller was a woman we immediately dismissed her as hysterical and emotionally out of control. Jason’s personality is then diagnosed, with the fairly accurate prognosis that he is utterly unfit for gainful employment. We then delve into the issue of the relationship between one’s own conscience and his responsibility to the public good, and afterwards issue an invitation to colonize with us a new nation should Donald Trump ever become president. We discuss whether robots could ever destroy humanity from a religious point of view, and speaking of religion, Christian introduces us to the term “ignosticism”  and our “Dick Move, God” segment introduces us to a newly-made orphan. Christian is biebered by people who can’t intellectually walk and chew gum at the same time, and Jason’s bieber proves that only he can prevent forest fires.

Also, for the love of all things holy, can a black woman get diarrhea on TV just once?